Mark Leyner - Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini

Gberg:I don’t know.

Leyner:That’s a fucking simple medical question, and your answer is “I don’t know”!!!!!!!!!!

Gberg:It brings back the original point of this book. They never teach you the obscure stuff that people actually ask.

4:30P.M.

Leyner:My grandfather used to go to Hot Springs, Arkansas, for “baths.” Or so he told my grandmother.

Gberg:I can describe in detail the technique for draining a pilonidal cyst or talk about marsupialization, when you sew down the sides.

Gberg:Nobody wants to know that.

Gberg:And then I get mocked by some pumped-up little writer who couldn’t marsupialize his way out of a peper bag.

Gberg:Not a pepper bag but a paper bag.

Leyner:Do people ask you strange questions in the ER? Or are they too freaked out by having meat cleavers embedded in their heads to make small talk with you?

Leyner:You gotta explain that, dude!!

Gberg:Explain what?

Leyner:What’s marsupialization?

Gberg:You cut open the cyst and sew down both sides so it doesn’t come back. You create a little pouch.

Leyner:Maybe I’ll get that! I’ll have the ass of a kangaroo!

Phlegm, snot, spit, boogers, sputum — all different varieties of the same thing. These terms are used to describe different forms of mucus, a slimy material that lines various membranes in the body (called, of course, mucus membranes). Mucus is composed chiefly of mucins (lubricating proteins) and inorganic salts suspended in water. Mucus aids in the protection of the lungs by trapping foreign particles that enter the nose during normal breathing. Mucus also makes swallowing easier and prevents stomach acid from harming your stomach wall.

As for the different varieties, phlegm is one type of mucus. By definition phlegm is limited to the mucus produced by the respiratory system, excluding that from the nasal passages (that is what we refer to as snot), and that which is expelled by coughing (sputum). In medieval medicine, phlegm was counted as one of the four bodily humors, possessing cold and wet properties. Phlegm was thought responsible for apathetic and sluggish behavior, which is how we get the word phlegmatic . Boogers are less historical, a slang word for dried nasal mucus or snot.

The presence of mucus in the nose and throat is normal. When you are sick the mucus can become thicker and change colors. Color is not a clear indication of a bacterial infection, but persistent rust-colored or green mucus tends to indicate a more serious condition.

For those do-it-yourself types, there are many ways to make home mucus to prepare yourself for a career in medicine:

RECIPES

Ingredients

1/2–1 pound fresh okra

1–2 cups water (the less water you add, the thicker your mucus will be)

Instructions

1. Chop the okra into large pieces and place them in a saucepan with a tight-fitting lid.

2. Add water to cover and boil the okra, about 10 to 15 minutes, until it is a dark grayish green and very soft.

3. Turn off the stove and remove the lid. Let your slimy substance cool.

4. Strain the slimy mess into a bowl and discard the okra.

Or

1. Stir 1/8 cup borax into 500 ml (2 cups) warm water. It’s okay if some borax remains undissolved. Allow solution to cool to room temperature.

2. In a separate container, stir 2 spoonfuls of glue (Elmer’s) into 3 spoonfuls of water.

3. Stir a couple drops of food coloring into the glue mixture.

4. Add a spoonful of the borax solution to the glue mixture. Stir (if in a bowl) or squish (if in a Baggie).

To answer this question we called one of my smartest friends, an Ivy League — educated ophthalmologist who is a retina surgeon at a prestigious university hospital. He’s the kind of guy who sends me Proust as a birthday gift. Doesn’t watch TV. Listens to NPR. So, we go to him for the answer….

Nothing. He tells me he will look it up. This just goes to show you that medical school sometimes misses the really simple stuff.

So, who has the answer? Honorary physician and expert on medical oddities Mark Leyner wrote about this malady in Maximum Golf magazine. Here, one pseudoschizophrenic golfer hears two golf announcers having the following discussion in his head:

Announcer B:Michael’s a bit off center — I’d say less than a foot from the left edge of the mattress and maybe a good foot and a half from the right rim. He’s got his left arm tucked under the pillow—

Announcer A:Which looks to me like a 245-thread-count cotton-twill shell filled with a 95-percent-Canadian-feather-and-5-percent-down blend.

Announcer B:What’s that in the corner of his left eye? A small emerald green particle. Can you make that out?

Announcer A:That’s the mucopolysaccharide secretion from the lachrymal gland that’s accumulated and crystalized overnight, Bobby.

Announcer B:Eye gunk. My mama used to call that a “sleeper.”

Announcer A:Well, we’ve got a lovely aerial view of Michael’s sleeper from the MetLife blimp, Snoopy Two, cruising at thirty-five miles per hour at an altitude of twelve hundred feet. Our thanks to Captain William Schmickling and his crew for that shot. Absolutely splendid.

Announcer B:Chris, he’s gotta get that outta there. What would you do in this situation?

Announcer A:There’s the very slightest breeze coming through the open window, but not sufficiently gusty to warrant any sort of major tactical adjustment. I’d use an index finger here, position it on the corner of the eye, precisely there at the lachrymal duct, and just ever so gently, ever so deftly, roll the particle out.

Announcer B:You can’t try to do too much here.

Announcer A:Just get it out, actually — that’s a job well done.

Announcer B:Reminds me of when Ernie Els got an eyeful of sandpiper guano at the ATT Pebble Beach National Pro-Am in ’95. Played the back nine basically half-blind. One of the most courageous exhibitions I’ve ever witnessed.

This eye gunk is nothing serious. While you sleep, a mixture of oil, sweat, and tears collects near the corners of your eyes. As the tears dry up you get left with a nice little bit of crust.

The pale half-moon shape at the base of each nail is called the lunule. It shows where the hardening process is not yet complete.

The American Academy of Dermatology provided these nail facts:

Nails grow about 0.1 mm (or about.004 inch) per day.

Fingernails tend to grow a little faster than toenails.

Toenails are approximately twice as thick as fingernails.

In general, nails tend to grow faster in summer than they do in winter.

Men’s nails usually grow faster than women’s nails.

Nails on your dominant hand tend to grow faster.

Theparty continues and has taken on a much more serene and romantic tone. Leyner is on the couch with his Cinderella and is eating cocktail egg rolls off her webbed toes as they share his bottle of tequila. I am finally free from the body questions and at last can enjoy a drink myself. It seems as though the drama of the evening is over until I hear Leyner shout, “Can anyone get me some duck sauce?” Leyner is too impatient and his libido is obviously inflamed, so he is unable to wait for the hired help to procure the requested Chinese condiment.