Mike Bartlett - Wild

Wild was first performed at Hampstead Theatre, London, on 11 June 2016, with the following cast:

WOMAN Caoilfhionn Dunne

ANDREW Jack Farthing

MAN John Mackay

Director James Macdonald

Designer Miriam Buether

Lighting Peter Mumford

Sound Christopher Shutt

ANDREW

WOMAN

MAN

( / ) means the next speech begins at that point .

( – ) means the next line interrupts .

( … ) at the end of a speech means it trails off. On its own it indicates a pressure, expectation or desire to speak .

A line with no full stop at the end indicates that the next speech follows on immediately .

A speech with no written dialogue indicates a character deliberately remaining silent .

This ebook was created before the end of rehearsals and so may differ slightly from the play as performed .

A nondescript hotel room .

ANDREW is in the room .

A WOMAN has entered the room thirty seconds ago .

ANDREW Miss Prism?

WOMAN That’s right.

ANDREW Is that a joke?

WOMAN What?

ANDREW Your name?

WOMAN No.

ANDREW Like a reference.

WOMAN No.

ANDREW A reference to –

WOMAN It’s not a reference.

It’s a coincidental pun.

Which I thought you’d appreciate actually. And let me tell you, now you’re in the club, that it’s important to keep a sense of humour, because things are going to get, now and for the rest of your life, extremely difficult.

ANDREW Well that’s made me feel just rosy.

WOMAN You want to know where it came from, the name?

ANDREW Isn’t it obvious?

WOMAN No.

ANDREW I’m fine.

Beat .

WOMAN You don’t want to play. Okay. Do you want a drink?

ANDREW No thank you.

WOMAN I’ve got a sense, a feeling, I just know you want a gin and tonic? Something like that.

ANDREW You’re wrong.

Beat .

WOMAN I’d like one.

ANDREW Okay.

Beat .

WOMAN I’m uneasy if it’s just me. Not a party on my own, is it? If I have one will you have one?

ANDREW I need to keep a clear head.

WOMAN Why? Nothing’s going to happen.

ANDREW Well.

WOMAN Nothing important’s going to happen overnight, we’re just going to talk and then tomorrow’s another day.

ANDREW Okay so we’re going to talk, right, so I need to keep a clear head. Is he calling on the phone?

WOMAN Who? Oh. You think he’s going to call you on the phone?

ANDREW They said he’d get in contact and he’s hardly likely to turn up in person.

WOMAN Why not?

ANDREW He’s trapped in an embassy in the middle of London.

WOMAN Officially. Trapped is perhaps overstating it, the thing is we’ve got to make sure no one knows exactly where he is, so if he was coming to see you I wouldn’t be able to tell you in advance, if you take my meaning.

ANDREW So you’re saying… what… he might come here? Tonight?

WOMAN Look, you’ll appreciate this when it’s you – we couldn’t have got you here without this kind of thing – the point is that if he’s here, he’s here, or if he’s not here he’s somewhere else. There are a lot of people who – let’s not put too fine a point on it – want him dead, who are really out to kill him, and that’s the club that you are part of now. You are Trotsky in Mexico, you are John Lennon in New York, Kennedy in fucking Texas.

ANDREW Dallas.

WOMAN I beg your pardon?

ANDREW Kennedy got shot in Dallas.

WOMAN Yeah, and Dallas is in Texas.

ANDREW Yeah, I know, but…

WOMAN Jesus this is your country.

ANDREW I know – it doesn’t matter.

WOMAN We are very careful about saying where he is, and so long as you work with us, rest assured we’re going to be equally careful about disclosing your location. I promise.

ANDREW Good.

Pause .

WOMAN How are you doing?

ANDREW Okay.

WOMAN This is weird for you.

ANDREW Yeah.

WOMAN All this.

ANDREW Weird yeah.

WOMAN Like it happened just… overnight.

ANDREW Well it did. Pretty much.

Beat .

WOMAN You must have predicted it though, you must have known.

ANDREW Yeah for a long time.

But it’s different, sat there at your desk, trying to work through all the consequences, just in your small life, trying to work out that the moment you click that button, you are going to have to walk out and your entire existence will change for ever, you know that’s a difficult thing to imagine, I don’t have that kind of imagination, I don’t think anyone does. Last week, okay last week , last Thursday I wasn’t in Russia, I wasn’t being chased, I wasn’t at risk of being assassinated, I was having chicken with my girlfriend in KFC, you understand what I’m talking about? –

WOMAN Yeah.

ANDREW – I was that guy, with his girl, we had plans, we were just doing our thing, our apartment, our post, our freaking parents and now… you know what I’m saying?

WOMAN That’s shocking.

ANDREW Right.

WOMAN You took your girlfriend to KFC?

ANDREW You’re really funny.

WOMAN And she’s still with you?

ANDREW Well no she isn’t. She’s back home.

WOMAN I mean she didn’t break up with you? That’s not what prompted all of this?

ANDREW No.

WOMAN So what the fuck were you doing in KFC?

ANDREW That’s not the point I was making.

WOMAN I know . It’s humour. See? I defused you. That’s what I did, you were blowing up, I took a metaphorical pin, and I burst you. Like ppfff. And you just went ffffffffff.

ANDREW You’re a strange person.

WOMAN Yes.

ANDREW What’s your – I don’t even know who you are.

WOMAN No.

ANDREW What’s your name?

WOMAN I told you. Miss Prism.

ANDREW Your real name not your James Bond name.

WOMAN That is my real name.

ANDREW No it isn’t.

WOMAN My full, real, name.

ANDREW Your full name so your first name is Miss?

WOMAN My first name is George.

ANDREW

WOMAN George was the name of the first actor to play the part of Miss Prism in The Importance of Being Earnest .

ANDREW I think you’re gone completely crazy now.

WOMAN A Trivial Comedy for Serious People. George was also a woman’s name then, the part was played by a woman. I said actor because actress is politically incorrect. Anyway, I liked the name George Prism, so you can call me George, or Miss Prism, depending on your mood.

ANDREW You liked the name George Prism.

WOMAN Yes.

ANDREW You chose it.

WOMAN Had a certain charm.

ANDREW So it’s not your real name like you said it was.

Beat .

WOMAN I’m not very good at this.

ANDREW You know I betrayed my entire country in an act that means I could be electrocuted and killed by my own politicians, I then flew to Hong Kong where I recorded an interview which was broadcast around the world, spent two days hiding in a pod-style hotel in Moscow Airport, before being smuggled onto a plane as luggage then back off the plane, and eventually across the Russian border, but despite all that circus or strangeness, I’d say this, you, this moment now, is head and shoulders the weirdest part of it. You are a fucking nutfuck.

Pause .

Isn’t there anyone else to talk to?

WOMAN You speak Russian?