To Anthony, and Laura: our hearts and our stories are entwined. I love you both so much.
Jamy Ian Swiss came into my life shortly before I was invited to TED and offhandedly offered to give me a hand with my talk. When I called him up and shared my initial ideas and first drafts, he dug in, and hasn’t left my side since. His role as my Unofficial Talk Doula—sometimes staying on the phone for three hours while we hammered out the perfect way to put things—expanded into his role as my Official Book Doula. Together we sat at tables, flew back and forth across America several times, talked on phones, shared drafts, cut ideas, added ideas, and cut them again. He went over every single sentence in this book with a fine-tooth comb and has been an absolutely indispensable and essential part of this process. Kandace, his partner, was incredibly understanding as we worked weeks, then months, later than originally scheduled. Thank you, Kandace. And Jamy: I cannot thank you enough for your work on this book. It means everything to me.
And lastly.
My husband, Neil Gaiman, not only allowed me to put the intimate details of our marriage into the blender of this book on a low setting, he encouraged me, advised me, held me, and propped me up—and let me go away, when I needed it—through every single phase of the writing process. He took my first manuscript, pen in hand, and suggested massive cuts. I trusted him and, for the most part, took every suggestion. He put his own writing-life on hold for the last, mad week of the book edit, helping me to birth the very last draft when every hour counted. This book would not be the same without him, at any level.
Neil, you are the love of my life.
Thank you .
Thank you .
Thank you .
Sid Vicious played a four-string Fender bass guitar and couldn’t sing
And everybody hated him except the ones who loved him
A ukulele has four strings; but Sid did not play ukulele
He did smack (and probably killed his girlfriend Nancy Spungen)…
If only Sid had had a ukulele, maybe he would have been happy
Maybe he would not have suffered such a sad end
He maybe would have not done all that heroin instead
He maybe would’ve sat around just singing nice songs to his girlfriend
So play your favorite cover song, especially if the words are wrong!
‘Cause even if your grades are bad, it doesn’t mean you’re failing!
Do your homework with a fork!
And eat your Froot Loops in the dark!
And bring your Etch-A-Sketch to work!
And play your ukulele!
Ukulele small and fierceful!
Ukulele brave and peaceful!
You can play the ukulele too, it is painfully simple!
Play your ukulele badly, play your ukulele loudly!
Ukulele banish evil!
Ukulele save the people!
Ukulele gleaming golden from the top of every steeple!
Lizzie Borden took an axe, and gave her mother forty hacks
Then gave her father forty-one, and left a tragic puzzle
If only they had given her an instrument, those Puritans
Had lost the plot completely
See what happens when you muzzle
A person’s creativity, and do not let them sing and scream
(and nowadays it’s worse ‘cause kids have automatic handguns)
It takes about an hour to teach someone to play the ukulele
About the same to teach someone to build a standard pipe bomb
YOU DO THE MATH!
So play your favorite cover song, especially if the words are wrong!
‘Cause even if your grades are bad, it doesn’t mean you’re failing!
Do your homework with a fork!
And eat your Froot Loops in the dark!
And bring your flask of Jack to work!
And play your ukulele!
Ukulele, thing of wonder!
Ukulele, wand of thunder!
You can play the ukulele too!
In London and down under!
Play ‘N Sync and play Jacques Brel!
And Eminem and Neutral Milk Ho… tel the children!
Crush the hatred!
Play your ukulele naked!
If anybody tries to steal your ukulele, LET THEM TAKE IT!!!!!
Imagine there’s no music, imagine there are no songs
Imagine that John Lennon wasn’t shot in front of his apartment
Now imagine if John Lennon had composed “Imagine” for the ukulele
Maybe people would have truly got the message
You may think my approach is simpleminded and naïve
Like if you want to change the world, then why not quit and feed the hungry
But people for millennia have needed music to survive
And that is why I promised John that I will not feel guilty
So play your favorite Beatles song!
And make the subway fall in love!
They’re only $19.95, that isn’t lots of money!
Play until the sun comes up!
And play until your fingers suffer!
Play LCD Soundsystem songs on your ukulele!!
Quit the bitching on your blog!
And stop pretending art is hard!
Just limit yourself to three chords!
And do not practice daily!
You’ll minimize some stranger’s sadness
With a piece of wood and plastic!
HOLY FUCK!!! It’s so fantastic!!! Playing ukulele!!!
Eat your homework with a fork!
And do your Fruit Loops in the dark!
Bring your Etch-A-Sketch to work!
Your flask of Jack!
Your vibrator!
Your fear of heights!
Your Nikon lens!
Your mom and dad!
Your disco stick!
Your soundtrack to Karate Kid !
Your ginsu knives!
Your rosary!
Your new Rebecca Black CD!
Your favorite room!
Your bowie knife!
Your stuffed giraffe!
Your new glass eye!
Your sousaphone!
Your breakfast tea!
Your Nick Drake tapes!
Your giving tree!
Your ice cream truck!
Your missing wife!
Your will to live!
Your urge to cry!
Remember we’re all gonna die!!!!
SO PLAY YOUR UKULELE!!!!!!!!!
—from
Theatre Is Evil , 2012
Amanda Palmer is a world-renowned singer, songwriter, activist, director, and blogger who first came to prominence as one half of the internationally acclaimed punk cabaret duo The Dresden Dolls.
She is a fellow at the Berkman Center for Internet & Society at Harvard University and has shown her underwear on Australian television. She currently avoids living in places including Boston, New York, and Melbourne with her husband, author Neil Gaiman, who is easily embarrassed.
Palmer’s TED Talk, “The Art of Asking,” which she presented at a 2013 TED conference, has been viewed at least 8 million times around the world. You can visit her website and blog at AmandaPalmer.net.
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For more about this book and author, visit Bookish.com.
Certain names and identifying characteristics have been changed.
Copyright © 2014 by Amanda Palmer
Cover design by Elizabeth Connor
Cover photographs © Allan Amato
Body painting by Jason Shawn Alexander
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