Tera Patrick - Sinner Takes All

I quickly turned down the volume on the music I was listening to, because I wanted to hear his voice better. I got butterflies in my stomach, and said in a sexy voice, “I’m so glad you called.” He sounded cautious on the phone. Not me. I was the forward one, which I would soon find out was quite the opposite of how things usually were. He was the one calling chicks and putting his cards on the table. And at this time in my life, I was the shy one. Being an adult film star, I wasn’t the type who would put it out there, because guys expect me to be swinging from the chandeliers. So I usually had to hold it back, but I didn’t with Evan. I wanted to swing from the chandeliers with him right away.

On that first call we talked for hours. We talked about everything. He told me about his son, about the music business, and about his life. He told me that he had seen my picture and that he thought I was beautiful, but he didn’t come off as creepy as so many men do when they say, “I’ve seen your photos and I think you’re hot.” I loved the sound of his voice. He sounded like a tough, strong, and confident man. I hung on every word he said about growing up on the wrong side of Brooklyn in a Jewish family and living around real New York mobsters.

I immediately felt close to him. We connected on a deep level because we had similar upbringings and life stories. We both left our families at an early age and started our lives and careers in our teen years. He grew up on the streets of Brooklyn and I on the streets of fashion in Tokyo. We had both been to the school of hard knocks and learned about life the hard way. And neither of us was close to our families at the time.

We were both lonely. A lot of people loved us and adored us, but it was from afar. He had music fans and groupies and I had perverted guys who fantasized about me. But neither of us had anyone who loved or adored us for who we were outside of our careers. We met at a time when we both longed for something deeper, more meaningful. For once in my life, I didn’t see him as a guy who could just satisfy me sexually, but as a man who could fill my heart and satisfy my emotional needs as well.

I went into work that night full of excitement about Evan. I told all of my friends on set, “He called me! He fucking called!” I had been driving everyone crazy for weeks leading up to that call, especially Crystal, and she wanted to hear all about it. Jamie, our producer, was just like, “OK, Stick. Get onstage now.” It was a big deal. Everyone was rooting for me. No one had liked me being with Erik, so they were excited that I was excited about someone.

I came home from work that night and immediately called Evan back and we talked for about two hours. I could tell that he would be what I wanted. And what I wanted was for a man to take control. I’m more submissive, and I like it that way. I knew he would be the yin to my yang. And every night that week we talked on the phone. It was an amazing, romantic courtship, made even more tantalizing and exciting by the fact that we’d never even been in the same room.

Our relationship took off from there. Starting with that first phone call in May 2002, we talked on the phone every night. We talked about everything: music, art, history, you name it. We had long, deep, soulful conversations about life, and it really took me to a whole other level of intimacy. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I would look at his picture and fantasize about him and wonder what it was like to actually be with him.

We decided not to meet in person until both of our shows wrapped. He was shooting Oz during the week and had his son, Sammy, on weekends and was working on a new Biohazard album. And I was shooting Night Calls on Wednesdays and doing photo shoots, signings, or content for my webcast, The Tera Patrick Show, on weekends. So for three months, all we did was talk (and have our fair share of phone sex!). But it was the long talks that made me fall in love with him. For the first time, I took the time to get to know a man emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually before bonding with him physically. The three months apart forced me to get to know him and fall in love with who he was instead of letting my hormones take over and bonding over sex. I never took the time to connect with a man like I did with Evan. That’s why it was so different.

There was so much that I loved about Evan, especially how he was such a good father to Sammy. He was so devoted to his son. He would talk about him for hours. I felt relieved that he already had a kid because I didn’t want to have children. I was afraid I would abuse my child because my mother had abused me. I didn’t want to repeat the pattern. I knew we were getting serious, and it was a relief that he already had the chance to be a father and wouldn’t want or expect that from me if we took it to the next level.

Since I was going through a hard time when I first started talking to Evan, I initially didn’t want him to know about my problems. So I told him that I was taking a break from porn because I just needed a rest. But I didn’t tell him right away how unhappy I really was with my manager and Digital Playground or how much I was drinking. It was soon hard to hide my woes. Evan could tell right away that something was wrong. He’s a recovering drug addict and has been sober for twenty years, so he saw the signs of my alcohol abuse right away. There would be nights when he’d call me at our scheduled ten p.m. time and I wouldn’t answer. Mind you, it was ten p.m. my time in L.A., which was one a.m. his time in Brooklyn. It was sweet of him to stay up and call me at a time that was convenient for me. When I didn’t pick up at ten, he’d call back at eleven and then at midnight and when I finally answered he’d say, “You’ve been drinking, haven’t you?” Of course the answer was yes. I didn’t pick up the phone because I was either passed out or throwing up or just didn’t want him to hear me wasted.

Evan was the first man to be real with me and call me on my shit. He made me take a good, long, hard look at myself for the first time in my life and face my demons head-on instead of burying them or running away from them. He wouldn’t let me get away with saying, “I’m fine. Nothing is wrong. Life is great.” At that time, life wasn’t great and I wasn’t fine. And Evan knew it and wanted to help me through it.

If it weren’t for Evan calling me out on my problems, I don’t think I would’ve had the courage to admit them to myself. I finally admitted that I did need to shape up, and I started confiding in him about my troubles. For the first time, I had a real sounding board in my life who could give me strong, solid advice or at least help me get to a place where I could figure things out for myself.

Evan would ask me, “Why are you unhappy?”

At first, I’d put on a fake, happy front and say, “What? Me? I’m totally happy. Everything is great.”

“No, everything is not great and you are not happy. You’re drinking too much and you’re obviously in a lot of emotional stress. And you wouldn’t quit a career you loved if something wasn’t really wrong there,” Evan would say.

I finally let him in and let him help me. We talked at length about my situation with my money, my deal with Digital Playground, my family issues, and my drinking. And no matter how low I was, he was always there to talk me through any problem. He helped me feel good about myself. Underneath all the tattoos was just a nice Jewish boy from Brooklyn.

Tera and I started our three-month courtship over the phone in May 2002. I had seen some pictures of her in Playboy and other magazines and I looked her up online. But I hadn’t watched any of her movies. I wasn’t that into porn at that point. I mean, I had always watched porn but I wasn’t a fanatic who knew all the girls’ names and everything about them. And even though I was falling in love with this girl on the phone, I couldn’t help but think about what my boys back in Brooklyn thought about girls like that.