John Holmes - Porn King

My life is nearly over and I must face this. I have little motivation or energy to do anything except lie in bed. I drift in and out of sleep and everyday is just a little harder to face. I am growing more confused.

Days keep rolling by,and yet, time has no meaning for me. Lying in bed, day after day, I worry about money and mounting doctor bills and the rising cost of medicine. I worry about Misty. She comes home every single night with a migraine headache. She tries to tell me about the day but it’s getting harder to grasp what she has to say. I feel as if I am losing my mind.

Bill continues to play games with Misty’s head. She claims that he is trying to get her into bed, chasing her around the desk at work. Hearing this upsets me so, but I want her to confide in me, painful as it is.

“Bill has been talking to the Feds,” she says with eyes wide open. She is very frightened as to what he might be revealing to them. Our employees are even questioning Misty as to why Bill would be talking to the Feds in his office. Bill has always had somewhat of a big mouth and this was nothing new. Before, I was usually there to make sure he didn’t say things that he shouldn’t. Several porn warehouses around the San Fernando Valley have been raided recently but we weren’t one of the companies. Bill has hired his 16-year old daughter, Denise, to be our front office secretary. If we were to be raided and she were found it would bring us serious trouble. We have a 16 year old working the front office of a porn warehouse and distribution building. The Feds are questioning Bill in his office and yet for some odd reason, we don’t get raided? I can only fear the worst. If Bill were to implicate certain people, this could bring retaliation that could easily put Misty in harm’s way. Sad to say, I don’t think I’m just being paranoid.

Worry seems to occupy the time when I am awake. I worry, watch television, and sleep. When I awake, I repeat the cycle once again. Even while I stare at the television, usually watching some movie in a state of

141 some pharmaceutically-induced stupor, I can’t help myself from thinking only the deepest, darkest thoughts.

A John Holmes relief fund has been started to help pay for some of my medical bills and medications. We have received some donations from business associates and long-time friends.

Blooms, Caballero Control, Annie Sprinkle, Gloria Leonard, just to name a few, I can’t begin to express my gratitude. One of my medications costs over $80 per week and this is with my health insurance. This particular medication helps clear the phlegm from my throat and lungs so that I can breathe. My doctor has also prescribed Halcion pills for my pain. The amount I am paying for my prescriptions is nothing compared to how much I used to spend on illegal drugs. However, with me not working it is a real concern.

We have had to move out of our apartment in Encino. Without any notice the rent was raised to an amount more than the apartment was worth. Impossible! We moved to an apartment in Van Nuys but now our new landlord is giving us grief about our animals and we may have to move again.

Bill has cut off my salary at Penguin and has told Misty that I am out; he claims the company is all his now. We began that company as a partnership and there were a lot of people who gave us terms based on me. They are calling me at home now, wondering why they have not been paid. What is Bill doing with all the income?

The Halcion keeps me out of it most of the time. Sleep; the great escape! I continually up my dosage as I feel I need to. So much pain! My temper seems to flare often while I am awake so I tend to pop a handful before Misty returns home from work. Her son is in school during the day so I don’t have to babysit. Before, I used to love the time he and I would spend together, but now, I just don’t have it in me and I know he doesn’t really understand.

I have told Misty that she should find someone else; it will be easier for her that way when I am gone. Misty continues to be loyal in spite of the hell I am putting her through. I often take my pain and anger out on her. I don’t know why; I didn’t used to be this way. Living with me is definitely no picnic right now. She deserves much better and I truly want her to be happy.

I look at Misty and see so much confusion in her eyes. She is young, after all. I used to help her figure things out. I can’t figure things out now, how could I possibly help her? Bill is stressing her out with his head games. I am trying to persuade her to leave this place when I am gone.

I have told her to get as far away from Bill Amerson as she can. I have warned her that he wouldn’t make this easy for her.

It’s taking all the energy I can spare to record my final thoughts. I hope that one day everyone will come to understand the man I came to be and the long road of my final destination.

Things at Penguin have become increasingly worse. I believe it is time for Misty to sever all ties with Bill. I have told her to quit her job and contacted my attorney to serve Bill papers. He incorporated the company during my absence; in fact, he incorporated me right out of our partnership. I always knew Bill was greedy, I never thought he would be this way to me; after all, I am the God-Father to his children. Knowing that I am dying, the bastard has cancelled my health insurance. He has also been advising people that I don’t really need their donations and not to send money to my relief fund. He is telling people that I have been buying illegal drugs with their donations? Nothing could be farther from the truth than that.

I have no idea how I am going to pay for my medications now. Misty has found another job but she is barely making enough to cover our living expenses. I am questioning myself about filing a lawsuit against Bill; I won’t be around long enough to see it through, which would only mean that Misty would be left handling it. Even though she deserves the money from the company that we both worked so hard to create, it would prolong her time here in California. I am hoping that she takes her son, leaves this place, and never returns.

I have thought of suicide but as tempting as that sounds that would hurt my mother beyond belief. It would also dishonor the life insurance policy that I have left for Misty. More than anything I want her to have some money to create a life for herself and Ian when I am gone. One hundred thousand Dollars should be able to get them far away from here. Taking the cowardly way out now just doesn’t seem to be an option.

On the stretch to my final count-down, Misty is urging me to contact Mother. She believes that I should get in contact with everyone in my family, including my little brother, David. Before Misty quit Penguin I had already sent each member of my family a small token of myself to remember me by. Little things that Misty and I had collected through the years were sent via UPS out of Penguin. I had instructed Misty to black out the names in the UPS book after sending the gifts so that nobody would have my family’s addresses, a lesson I learned after Nash had once possessed my little black book.

The pain is increasing and I have decided to check myself into the Veterans Administrative Hospital in Sepulveda. Thank God I had once served my country and that I have this option, otherwise I don’t know how I could endure these times with no insurance.

Misty and Ian have moved to another apartment. They miss me, but I know this is for the best. The hospital has offered me AIDS medications but I don’t want them. I just want whatever morphine they can give me so that I may die in peace.

Mother is with me now; having her around is wonderful. She and Misty are getting along together fine. I have been a little worried as to how Mother would take to Misty before but then again, how could she not love her? I hear them talking when they think that I am asleep. Misty has asked all kinds of questions about my childhood and Mother is only too happy to reminisce. Some of the stories I don’t remember, very little makes sense to me now anyway. Sometimes it would seem as if she is talking about someone else. Mother continues on, telling Misty how I was such a special child. She says that I had the gift of bringing laughter even in the most depressing and dark times. Her voice sounds so soft, warm and loving. Having her around brings much comfort.