Lauren Bacall - By Myself and Then Some

Charlie Feldman picked me up at 7:30 and took me to a restaurant in Beverly Hills. The evening must have gone well, for in a letter to my mother dated April 7 I wrote:

Dearest Mommy –

Here I am, honey, at the start of my second day in California and I’m off to have lunch with Howard Hawks and Charlie F at two o’clock. Some fun! It will be my first meeting with Hawks.

And mother – Charlie is a darling, a perfect angel. He wanted to give me more money yesterday, but I told him I didn’t need it, if and when I do I’ll tell him. After all I’ve made a bargain and I’d like to stick to it as much as possible.

My test will take place sometime next week because Charlie thinks I should have my teeth fixed first. But we’ll wait to see what Hawks says first. And don’t tell this to anyone but Charlie adores me. He thinks I’m wonderful, vital, alive, refreshing, full of fire, intelligent and a few other things. And those, sweetie, are direct quotes. He says that he thinks I’ll be great and that he’ll do everything possible for me. So baby, maybe you’ll come here after all. Here’s hoping! I’ll let you know as soon as anything definite happens one way or the other…

The letter went on, oozing love and joy and excitement. It showed her how very young I was. How Charlie Feldman could have said or felt or meant all of those things, having known me for one day; I could not explain. He was a flirt and he meant some of them – and he obviously moved fast.

On April 7 I was driven to Charlie’s office. We were to meet Howard Hawks at the Brown Derby on Wilshire Boulevard, a block from the office. I was very nervous and Charlie knew it. At the Brown Derby we were led to our booth. After a few minutes a very tall man with close-cropped gray hair and broad shoulders came in. Charlie said, ‘There’s Howard.’ He came over and we were introduced. I was shaking. He was very imposing. Spoke very deliberately, asked me a few questions. Said he’d liked the pictures in Bazaar – wanted to know if I’d had any acting experience at all. I told him very little, told him what it was. Charlie mentioned my teeth – having them fixed, straightened a bit or capped, I guess he meant. But Hawks did not feel that was necessary.

He told me what he wanted to do – a simple test. He’d pick the scenes. He couldn’t have been nicer. And he frightened me – I was terrified I’d say the wrong thing. We finished lunch and headed back to Charlie’s office. I shall never forget walking behind Charlie and Howard, who were talking and talking and taking forever to walk one block. I thought then, ‘God, why don’t they move? Do they always walk so slow?’ I was trained in the speed school of the East, where there was never time to do all you wanted to do, so you always walked quickly – just short of a run, as though you had a real destination. I could have walked ten blocks in the time they took to walk one. Well, I’d better get used to it. My future was in the hands of these two men.

Back in Charlie’s office Hawks asked me if there were any particular parts I would feel comfortable playing for the test. I couldn’t think of any, I told him – I had been asked to understudy Claudia on tour, but hadn’t accepted. I would prefer to leave it up to him. I was taken back to Westwood with nothing to do for the rest of the day. I walked around more of the village, then wrote about ten letters home.

I thought about Hawks and what an odd person he seemed to be. He was not a demonstrative, relaxed sort of man. He was inscrutable, speaking quietly in a fairly monotonous voice. He seemed very sure of himself. Charlie called me at day’s end to tell me that Howard liked me and that we would make the test the following Friday.

The sun shone every day. The most perfect weather I had ever known. Balmy air, incredible clear blue skies. Everyone seemed to have a car. As I was beginning to find out, life in California was impossible without one.

I waited around the office for Charlie, talked to some of the other agents; in a couple of days I became a regular fixture in that office. When Charlie came in I would ask for news of the test. When would I know what the scene would be? When would I see Hawks? He said. ‘Take it easy’ and laughed at my impatience. I always wanted to know everything right away, no horsing around. Charlie said I’d see Howard on Monday – the weekend was coming up and no one did anything on a weekend. He took me out for an early dinner one night and asked if I’d like to come up to his house on Sunday for lunch and the afternoon. Absolutely, I said, how would I get there? ‘I’ll come and get you, of course.’ It was beginning to get to me, always having to depend on someone else for transportation. In Westwood, having no car was impossible – I was stranded.

Back in my room I’d carry on conversations with Charlie before the proverbial mirror. I had a terrible crush on him. He had a wife, but I thought their life together must be odd if he could have dinner without her. My idea of marriage was that a husband and wife did everything together from the end of a workday on. I had a lot to learn.

Mother called me on Saturday morning, anxious to hear everything. She felt so far away, she was so far away, but I couldn’t tell her anything definite. It’s always difficult to explain delays, what takes time. Especially when you’re not sure yourself.

On Sunday Charlie took me to his house. It was on Coldwater Canyon, which is still Beverly Hills but not the flats. The house couldn’t be seen from the street. He brought me out to the poolside, where his wife, Jean, was sitting. She was beautiful – blond hair, dressed in gold gabardine slacks, a white silk shirt, and three strands of pearls. She was very friendly and open. How could Charlie not have dinner with her every night? The house was marvelous. Spanish, all on one floor, beautifully and comfortably furnished. Outside up some steps was the pool and poolhouse. Did people really live like this?

We had lunch outside. What total luxury! To have your meals out of doors in the sunshine. It was God’s country.

Jean had been a Ziegfeld girl when she was very young and, I was later to learn, had had many men at her feet. Understandable. Of course I told her all my hopes and dreams – that I prayed the test would take place soon because patience was not my strong point. She was reassuring, knew how hard it was to be in California and not know anyone – I was to feel always welcome there, call on her anytime.

The next ten days were endless. On the phone at least once a day to Charlie, so frustrated – postponement after postponement. One letter to my mother dated April 15:

Now you won’t hear from me until Saturday or Sunday of next week for the simple reason that the test has been postponed to Wednesday. But don’t worry, sweetie, I’ll call you just as soon as I know the results.

And on April 21:

Mommy darling, I know how hard it must be for you to wait for word from me. But they do things so slowly here. Always taking their time. And if you’re nervous, just imagine how I feel. I have no insides left. But if it flops I won’t be the first actress who couldn’t crash Hollywood on her first try…. The only assurance I can give you, baby, is that I’ll do my best. All I ask of you is patience and if nothing happens to bear with me.

I had seen Howard a couple of times more. I read scenes for him. He took me to lunch and told me about his directing experiences with various actresses. It was always what he said to them, or to Howard Hughes, to Jack Warner – he always came out on top, he always won. He was mesmerizing and I believed every story he told me. Once he made some remark about a Jew and I turned cold. I’m sure I paled visibly, but he didn’t seem to notice. ‘Oh, no, don’t let him be anti-Semitic. God, don’t let me come all this way and have it blow up in my face. It just couldn’t happen now.’