Джоэль Харрис - Uncle Remus and Brer Rabbit

“Ter dem what has ter wait, it seem like de sun stops an’ all de clocks wid ’im. Brer B’ar done some growlin’; Brer Wolf some howlin’ an’ Brer Possum some laughin’; but atter while a cloud come up fum some’rs. ’Twant sech a big cloud, but Brer Rabbit know’d dat Cousin Rain wuz in dar ’long wid Uncle Win’. De cloud crope up, it did, twel it got right over de big road, an’ den it kinder drapped down a leetle closer ter de groun’. It look like it kinder stop, like a buggy, fer Cousin Rain ter git out, so der’d be a fa’r start. Well, he got out, kaze de creeturs kin see ’im, an’ den Uncle Win’, he got out.

“An’ den, gentermens! de race begun fer ter commence. Uncle Win’ hep’d um bofe; he had his bellows wid ’im, an’ he blow’d it! Brer Dust got up fum whar he wuz a-layin’ at, an’ come down de road des a-whirlin’. He stricken ol’ Brer B’ar fust, den Brer Wolf, an’ den Brer Fox, an’ atter dat, all de yuther creeturs, an’ it come mighty nigh smifflicatin’ um! Not never in all yo’ born days is you y’ever heern sech coughin’ an’ sneezin’, sech snortin’ an’ wheezin’! An’ dey all look like dey wuz painted red. Brer B’ar sneeze so hard dat he hatter lay down in de road, an’ Brer Dust come mighty nigh buryin’ ’im, an’ ’twuz de same wid de yuther creeturs—dey got der y’ears, der noses, an’ der eyeses full.

“An’ den Cousin Rain come ’long, a-pursuin’ Brer Dust, an’ he come mighty nigh drownin’ um. He left um kivver’d wid mud, an’ dey wuz wuss off dan befo’. It wuz de longest ’fo’ dey kin git de mud out ’n der eyes an’ y’ears, an’ when dey git so dey kin see a leetle bit, dey tuck notice dat Brer Rabbit, stidder bein’ full er mud, wuz ez dry ez a chip, ef not dryer.

“It make um so mad, dat dey all put out atter ’im, an’ try der level best fer ter ketch, but ef dey wuz anything in de roun’ worl’ dat Brer Rabbit’s got, it’s soople foots, an’ ’twant no time ’fo’ de yuther creeturs can’t see ha’r ner hide un ’im! All de same Brer Rabbit aint bargain fer ter have two races de same day.”

“But, Uncle Remus,” said the little boy, “which beat, Brother Dust or Cousin Rain?” The old man stirred uneasily in his chair, and rubbed his chin with his hand. “Dey tells me,” he responded cautiously, “dat when Cousin Rain can’t see nothin’ er Brother Dust, he thunk he am beat, but he holla out, ‘Brer Dust, wharbouts is you?’ an’ Brer Dust he holla back, ‘You’ll hatter scuzen me; I fell down in de mud an’ can’t run no mo’!’”

Dar once wuz a time when most er de creeturs Got mighty tired er Brer Rabbit’s capers, An’ dey ’semble’, dey did, grass an’ meat eaters. Browsers an’ grazers, an’ likewiss de bone-scrapers, Fer ter see what dey kin do.

Brer B’ar wuz dar, wid his bid fur suit on, An’ ol’ Brer Wolf fetched his big howl along, An’ when eve’ything wuz ready, wid a long, loud hoot on, Here come ol’ Simon Swamp Owl along, A-tootin’ of his too-whoo.

Dar wuz ol’ Brer Fox, suh, wid his black socks, suh, An’ a heap er creeturs dat I don’t hatter mention; Some bow-legged an’ some knock-kneed in de hocks, suh. An’ dey all agree fer ter hol’ a convention Fer ter stop Brer Rabbit’s pranks.

Brer Fox, he ’low he’ll gi’ a pot er gol’, suh, Ter de man what kin tol Brer Rabbit off, suh; Brer Buzzard say, “I’m a-gittin’ ol’, suh, But I’ll try my han,” an’ den he cough, suh. An’ de rest un um bowed dere thanks.

Now, ol’ Brer B’ar wuz a-settin’ in de cheer, suh, So he stand up an’ move a motion; He up an’ ’low, “Le’s erso’v right here, suh, Fer ter thank Brer Buzzard whiles we’re in de notion, An’ not put it off ter some yuther day.”

An’ den dey had it up an’ down, suh, ’Sputin’ ’bout what dey oughter do, Some wanter gi’ ’im a flower crown, suh, Ef he rid Brer Rabbit up dar in de blue, An’ drap ’im when he got half-way.

Dey sont a runner atter ol’ Brer Rabbit Ter ax ’im ter call an’ ’ten’ de convention; But ol’ frien’ Wobble-nose had a quare habit Er knowin’ a thing befo’ it wuz mention’, An he come ’fo’ he got de word.

He wiggle his nose, an’ wunk his eye— “Here sho is de man I wants ter see, suh! Brer Buzzard I’m tryin’ ter l’arn how ter fly!” An’ c’ose Brer Buzzard gi’ his agree, suh, An’ all un um say he’s a ’commydatin’ bird!

An’ den Brer Buzzard half spread his wing, suh He try ter look young, but he wuz ol’ suh— He try ter strut an’ walk wid a swing, suh; He wuz dreamin’ ’bout dat pot er gol’, suh, An’ what he wuz gwine fer ter buy.

Brer Buzzard ain’t skacely got thoo wid his pride, suh, ’Fo’ Brer Rabbit lit right ’tween his floppers, Wid, “Now, hump yo’se’f, an’ gi’ me a ride, suh, Ef you don’t I’ll hit—I’ll hit you some whoppers When I git you up dar in de sky!”

Well, de creeturs grinned when Brer Buzzard riz, suh. An’ made a big fuss accordin’ ter der natur’; Ez fer ol’ Brer Rabbit, de pleasure wuz all his, suh De ridin’ wuz easy ez eatin’ tater When it’s b’iled an’ made inter pie!

Kaze under bofe wings he had a paw, suh, An’, when Brer Buzzard try fer ter drap ’im. He’d scratch an’ tickle ’im wid his claw, suh; An’ when Brer Buzzard try fer ter flap ’im, He’d scratch an’ wink his eye!

An’ wid his claws he tuck an’ steered ’im Fum post ter pillar in de deep blue, suh; He’d holla an’ laugh—all de creeturs heer’d ’im— You know how you’d feel ef it hab been you, suh, A-waitin’ fer some un ter fall!

When ol’ Brer Rabbit got tired er ridin’, He steered Brer Buzzard right straight ter de groun’, suh, An’ den an’ dar went right inter hidin’. When de creeturs come up he couldn’t be foun’, suh, An’ I speck an’ I reckon dat’s all!