Roger Ellis: AK-239

“Thank you Charlene. I’m here with Lieutenant Colonel Andrew Gibbs spokesperson for the U.S. Army.”

Wayne looks at the colonel and asks, “Large flashes of light have been seen by many locals and speculation has been that there might have been some sort of nuclear explosion here?”

“I’ve heard that story too, Wayne.”

The colonel chuckles,

“No, there was no nuclear explosion. That’s just crazy talk. Experts have told me that the aurora borealis intensifies in the wintertime and can produce some spectacular colors but a bomb? Hardly. What a fertile imagination.”

“Thank you, colonel. Back to you Charlene.”

“Thank you Wayne,” says Stacy, buying this fishy story, hook, line and sinker.

“Up next our very own meteorologist, Chuck Nature, will tell us about that ominous thunderstorm cloud that appeared this morning just south of Ketchikan in the shape of a nuclear mushroom.”

A nervous Chuck Nature, comic, and part time meteorologist stands nearby, looking to be the only idiot on the set who suspects something.

In other news, a large number of fisher persons in the Ketchikan area are retiring from fishing after the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Services said they will give each and every person a generous $250,000.00 stipend to stop fishing the area. Rumor is: They will have to sign a very detailed non-disclosure agreement (NDA). U.S. Fish & Wildlife says it’s all part of their environmental effort not to allow Southeast Alaska to become overfished.”

“Finally, Ketchikan Police Chief Robert Stone retires after thirty years on the force. He says he’s moving his family to a place that’s more, and I quote, F’ing quiet, unquote.”

National Security Agency (NSA)

Fort Meade, MD

Fred and Jerry’s office is still filled with Christmas decorations but the trees look wilted. All of the Christmas lights are turned off.

Fred and Jerry are still, eating, staring at the screen of a half dismantled “Typhoon” sub.

“I’m sure that’s not a real sub.”

“I dunno, DNI didn’t answer us. There’s nothing more we can do. It has to be what’s left of TK-20.”

“I’m contacting POTUS!” says Fred.

Ya! ‘Right!’ You’re calling the President of the United States?”

“That’s right.”

“You’re crazy! Like Elsa in Frozen [16] you should just: Let it go, man!”

Meanwhile, behind them, on a huge flat screen everyone else is gathered around watching CNN.

On the TV is TK-20 footage tooling around Alaska with the USS Zumwalt destroyer closely following.

The footage cuts abruptly. The Caption reads,

“RUSSIAN SUB RUNS AGROUND IN ALASKA.

U.S. NAVY, ON THE SCENE TO HELP.”

Fred and Jerry are oblivious to this as they continue arguing, while both eat tuna fish sandwiches from their paper bags.

Moscow

Olga Kasparov’s Diary

I’m in studio at Russian TV-12 interviewing my crazy President, Ivan Mironovich.

“So what you’re saying is that the United States of America called upon Russia to help them in Alaska?” I ask.

“Exactly, Olga. The President of the United States called me personally to ask for our specialists’ assistance due to a massive landslide in Southeast Alaska.”

“Can you tell us exactly how Russia will help with a Typhoon class, ballistic missile submarine?”

Again, I really, really wanted to ask this question but didn’t, as once again I value my life more than my phony baloney “Tokyo Rose” job.

The president says, “Well, Olga, I’m sure our American friends don’t want us to get into the details. So let’s just say: We are most pleased to assist our American friends in any way that we possibly can.”

“Some reporters are speculating that some sort of nuclear devise accidentally went off in Alaska. Can you confirm that?”

This, I was actually allowed to ask! Don’t ask me why. The president was now reading from a teleprompter:

“Olga, the U.S. government has told us that while they appreciate our assistance they do not want us to discuss this ‘event publicly’ in any way.”

“So there’s nothing further you can tell us regarding Alaska and Russia?” I ask as I read from my teleprompter lines.

“Well, Olga, Russians love Alaska. We once owned Alaska. We shall do anything to help and support all the residents of Alaska,” says our coy president.

I pause knowing there is another story here and wish I could ask more but didn’t.

That was, almost, all that was written for me on the teleprompter.

I know the public will not be getting any more information from our president on this matter. I turn to the camera saying my last teleprompted lines, maybe forever,

“Well, there you have it. Russia and the Russian people have always been so generous that they are willing to help any country in need.

The president beams with pride at me.

“This is Olga Kasparov reporting from Moscow. Goodnight and… sleep tight!”

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

General Bahadur sits in an isolation cell in Guantanamo Bay and he doesn’t look too happy. He still has two black eyes and, if you look close enough, Stone’s boot print can still be seen on his forehead.

He is busy etching into the concrete wall in Farsi, “Death to America.”

Iranian TV

A middle class Iranian family sits around their large, flat screen color TV. They are watching a news report after morning prayers.

The male Iranian TV reporter, dressed in a nice outfit, says in Farsi,

“And this was chanted by tens of thousands of people gathered in Tehran after morning prayers today:”

“DEATH TO AMERICA”

“DEATH TO AMERICA”

“DEATH TO AMERICA”

The middle aged male reporter continues:

“In other news, the state has destroyed over 100,000 ‘morally damaging’ satellite dishes on local residents’ homes. The decadent West is poisoning our nation and its values according to a Balif militia report.”

“And the Iranian military, may they be blessed by god for all eternity, have created a new submarine, The Be’sat “II.” It is expected to carry 20 ICBMs and be similar to the Russian Typhoon class Akula submarine.”

“Death to the Great Satan which is the United States of America,” the reporter reads from his teleprompter.

Washington, D.C.

Joint Chief’s Diplomatic Office

American senior diplomat, John Anderson, sits at his desk staring across to Russian diplomat Andrei Alexeev.

“In light of the fact that several of our ‘packages,’ are missing, President Mironovich proposes we say as little as possible about the Alaska incident and that we work together to retrieve them,” says Alexeev.

“I will convey your proposal to our president.” says Anderson.

“Good. We wouldn’t want the packages to…” says the Russian.

“End up in the wrong hands? Too late.”

The Russian pauses long and studies his opponent like he’s playing a game of chess.

“I was going to say, we wouldn’t want the packages to be reconstructed so as to avert our safety mechanisms.”

“I will convey your proposal to our president,” repeats Anderson as if he’s a robot.

The Russian finally brings up what he came here for:

“And we would like our submarine back.”

Anderson pauses, staring into the eyes of his opponent, ready for his next move. He smiles to himself and remembers the famous line by retired Rear Adm. John Williams. He was the former commander of the U.S. Pacific Submarine Force:

‘It’s never good for an opponent to have your playbook.’