Philip Kerr: False Nine

‘I don’t understand.’

‘It’s not a difficult question, son. It’s really very fucking simple. Is it football you really like or the prospect of being the black Beckham? Is it the dressing room that’s important to you or the photographic studio? The sports pages or a spread in G fucking Q ? Liniment or hair gel? Vaseline or aftershave? A jockstrap or an Armani suit? Some dolly birds or your team mates? The roar of the crowd or the squeal of some totty you’re banging up the arse in a nightclub? Playing keepy-uppy or footsie with a hooker? Because I’m not going to waste my time helping you, young man, if all you really want to do in life is help yourself. You see, I love this game and I love people who love it as much as me. Those are the only kind of people for whom I am prepared to take risks and make sacrifices. Do you understand?’

‘Yes. I love the game. I can’t imagine life without football. Without my team mates. It wouldn’t be worth living. It’s what gets me out of bed; and it’s what I’m still thinking about when I go to bed. What I dream about when I’m asleep. Every night, since I was a small boy.’

‘Is the right answer. That’s all I wanted to hear from you, Jérôme. Very well then. I shall certainly need to speak to some people first before I tell you anything more about what’s on my mind. All I will say at this stage is, don’t give up hope. Not just yet. There may be a way to make sure that you can still play professional football. So, please, try to be patient.’

‘So, let me get this straight,’ said Charles Rivel. ‘You found Jérôme Dumas, in the French Caribbean, on the lovely island of Guadeloupe—’

‘I can see you’ve never been there, Charles.’

‘You found him. But the loan agreement we made with Barcelona has fallen through. Why? I don’t understand. You brought the player back to France, didn’t you?’

‘Yes, he’s back at his apartment here in Paris.’

‘But surely you could just as easily have taken him to Barcelona. They paid for the plane, after all. So why isn’t he there now, in Spain? Why isn’t he at Camp Nou getting fit for the match against Real Madrid?’

‘Because I told them he’d had a nervous breakdown. And that he didn’t want to play in Spain any more. That, for the moment, he wanted to stay in France. But none of that is true. They know it isn’t. But they’re happy with the story I’ve given them for now. The fact is, I thought the fewer people who know the real reason why he’s not going to be playing there the better.’

‘Better for who?’

‘For you and for him.’

‘Forgive me, Scott, but shouldn’t all this have been our decision at PSG? We sent you to find a missing player, not scupper a good deal. It’s true there was no transfer fee but need I remind you that the Catalans were going to pay all of Jérôme Dumas’s wages? Which are not inconsiderable. Not to mention a loan fee of several million euros.’

We were meeting for breakfast in the restaurant at the Bristol Hotel in Paris, which is where PSG likes to do its business. The cheapest room at the Bristol is more than nine hundred euros a night, which makes business as comfortable as it gets. It’s where the club’s sport director, Leonardo, did the deal with Edinson Cavani, when he joined from Napoli in July 2013, for a fee of about forty-eight million quid, then a Ligue 1 record. And it’s where the club paid for David Beckham to stay when he was playing for PSG; in the Imperial Suite to be exact, which, at £14,500 a night, costs rather more than the cheapest room where I was now staying. But then it is easily large enough for a game of indoor five-a-side. Becks was worth that much in just his shirt sales. It was nice to be in a really good hotel again but most of all it felt good to be back in a country where they take food seriously. Especially the humble croissant. With butter and apricot jam and hot coffee it is the cornerstone of a civilised breakfast.

‘Believe me, Charles, I’ve done you a very big favour. An enormous favour, in fact. And I’m about to do you another. When I’ve told you what I’ve done you’ll want to upgrade me to the David Beckham suite and throw in a free football.’

‘So tell me. I’m listening.’

So I told him, everything — I even told him about the gun, and the murder in Sevran — and it was fun watching the Frenchman’s smooth jaw drop onto his silk Charvet tie.

‘Jesus Christ,’ he said.

‘Is he staying here, too? I’m surprised he can afford it.’

‘Are you serious? Dumas was using his twin to trick our doctors? And was planning to do the same at Camp Nou? I don’t believe it.’

‘I’m perfectly serious. It’s true. I guess the boy isn’t called Dumas for nothing.’

‘Beating Chelsea in the Champions League. Overtaking Olympique Lyonnais in Ligue 1. These would be good for PSG. These I understand. And I can see how all this is good for FCB. But how is any of what you’re telling me good for PSG? We’ll get to how it’s good for the player later.’

‘While it’s true that you won’t ever be able to sell Jérôme Dumas, you will have avoided any significant legal problems that might easily and expensively have resulted if Jérôme and his twin had managed to pull off this little scam. For example, you might have been held legally liable to FCB. As might have been your medical insurers if he was to suffer some sort of problem during a match. Like the lad at Tottenham who suffered a heart attack? Radwan Hamed? That just cost Spurs’ insurers the best part of seven million quid. Although I dare say they’ll pass that cost onto the club when the next premium comes to be paid.’

‘Yes, I see.’

‘Also, given the fact that the twins undoubtedly pulled the same trick when he came here from AS Monaco who, incidentally, had no idea of what was going on either, it means your contract with Jérôme is null and void. In other words, you don’t have to pay him any more. So, the player’s wages don’t even come into it. That’s how it’s good for PSG. Although I expect you will have to repay the loan fee to Barcelona.’

‘Could we recover our transfer fee from ASM?’

‘I doubt it. It was your doctors who, through no fault of their own, pronounced him fit to play. I’m afraid that’s why medicals take place under the auspices of the purchasing club, not the vendor. I’m not a lawyer but I should say that this is a simple case of caveat emptor. Let the buyer beware. Of course, they weren’t to know that Jérôme had a twin. And of course ASM will rightly argue that he conned them as well. So I don’t think there’s much mileage in it for you by trying to hold them legally accountable.’

‘I suppose we could sue Jérôme Dumas, couldn’t we?’

‘That would only make you and your doctors look like mugs. And nobody wants that. Legal action is best avoided here, I’d have thought. Besides, it’s not like he didn’t actually play for the club. And play well, on occasion. In the first round Champions League Cup tie you played against Barcelona in September he was man of the match, remember? In all respects but the medical he’s functioned perfectly well. And could easily continue to do so, but for the lawyers and the doctors and the medical lawyers.’

Rivel sipped his coffee and nodded as I continued speaking.

‘Sack him by all means, Charles. In fact, I recommend you do sack him. But it won’t play well in the press if the reason you’re getting rid of him and perhaps even contemplating legal action is because he has a hole in the heart. If you’ll pardon the expression, it makes you guys look heartless.’

‘That’s true.’ His eyes narrowed for a moment. ‘You are telling me everything, Scott, aren’t you?’