Стюарт Вудс - Foul Play

“The salad for three, please,” Stone said.

It was made tableside, and was quite a performance.

When they had finished dinner and were on coffee and cognac, Brooke said, “I want you now, please.”

“To whom were you addressing that request?” Stone asked.

“Would you prefer I address it to Dino?”

“He’s a married man.”

“That’s okay, I’m still a married woman.”

“Dino,” Stone said, “will you excuse us? I have to get Brooke out of here before she makes a dishonest man of you.”

They left.

It was a footrace to the bedroom, and Brooke won. She was already under the covers, as Stone was hanging up his pants.

“Usually, you just toss them aside,” Brooke said. “Am I losing my touch?”

“I don’t know,” Stone said, crawling into bed. “Touch something.” She did. “You’re not losing your touch,” he confirmed.

Bright and early the following morning, they were eating breakfast. “I have a question,” Brooke said.

“Shoot.”

“Where is Shep what’s-his-name?”

“I haven’t the faintest idea about whom you’re talking.”

“Where is... Shepherd Trout?”

“Troutman.”

“Okay, Shepherd Troutman.”

“What about him?”

“Where is he?”

“Out of pocket,” Stone replied.

“That’s meaningless. I want a location.”

“You mean coordinates? Longitude and latitude?”

“I’m getting the feeling you’re not going to tell me where he is.”

“You’re a very perceptive woman.”

“Why won’t you tell me where he is?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“I have a girlfriend I want to fix him up with.”

“Ah. I’m afraid he’s unfixable up at the moment.”

“Do I have to guess?”

“You may if you wish.”

“If I guess correctly, will you confirm the location?”

“No.”

“This is infuriating.”

“You’re beautiful when you’re infuriated,” Stone replied.

“Who do I have to fuck to find out where Shep is?”

“Mission accomplished,” Stone said.

“Yes, but you haven’t told me where he is.”

“That is so.”

“Will you give him a message to call me?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because he might call you.”

“Do you object to Shep speaking to me?”

“In principle, no. In practice, yes.”

“Who could it hurt, if I put these two people together?”

“Shep.”

“Stone, a blind date is not life-threatening.”

“You could very well be wrong about that.”

“Who wants to kill him?”

“Evil men.”

“Why do they want to kill him?”

“For his money.”

“Really? Does he have that much money?”

“Yes.”

“How much?”

“I can’t tell you; attorney-client privilege.”

“If you tell me, I’ll do exotic things to you.”

“You have already done them,” Stone replied. “And they were wonderful.”

“Would you tell me at gunpoint?”

“Do you have a gun?”

“No.”

“Then the question is moot.”

“You’re talking lawyer-speak.”

“I’m a lawyer. It’s to be expected.”

“What can I do to persuade you to put me in touch with Shep?”

Stone pondered that for a long moment. “I can’t think of anything you haven’t already done.”

“Oh, please.”

“You wouldn’t respect me, if I told you.”

“Yes, I would!”

“If you did, then I wouldn’t respect you.”

“I’m getting tired of this.”

“I was hoping you would.”

“You are exasperating!”

“I’m trying to be.”

“Well, it’s working!”

“Excellent!”

She rolled over and pretended to go to sleep.

“Are you asleep?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“What would it take to wake you?”

“Tell me where Shep is.”

“Go to sleep.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Then we’ll have to think of something else to do,” he said, rolling over.

Once at his desk the following morning, after Brooke had taken her leave and been driven home by Fred, Stone called Dino.

“Bacchetti.”

“It’s Stone.”

“And what can your city do for you today?”

“You can put me in touch with your wife.”

“She’s in Mumbai, used to be Bombay.”

“What time is it in Mumbai?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea. Whenever I call her in the Far East, I always get it wrong and get yelled at.”

“I’ll have to risk it, I guess. Where’s she staying?”

“At the Taj Mahal Palace.”

“Have you got the number?”

“Joan will find it for you.”

“I’ll call her now.”

“Oh, I just remembered she’s leaving Mumbai today for Hong Kong.”

“What time is her flight?”

“Morning, I think.”

“Why don’t you know that?” Stone demanded.

“Why would I need to know that?”

“In case you had to call her.”

“I’ve never called my wife in Mumbai.”

“Is it morning there now?”

“How would I know?”

“You’re being unhelpful.”

“I can’t tell you what I don’t know.”

“Well, shit!”

“Why do you want to speak to my wife?”

“None of your business.”

“Then why are you bothering me?” Dino hung up.

Stone buzzed Joan.

“Yes, sir?”

“Can you figure out what time it is in Mumbai?”

“It’s seven-fifteen pm.”

“How do you know that?”

“I just know. Do you want me to place a call for you?”

“Yes, please.”

“And to whom do you wish to speak?”

“To Vivian Bacchetti. She’s at the Taj Mahal.”

“The Taj Mahal is in Agra, not Mumbai, and I don’t believe they rent rooms.”

“The Taj Mahal Palace Hotel.”

“Why didn’t you say so?”

“I just did. Call me when she’s on the line.”

“Yes, sir.” Joan hung up and her light on the phone came on.

Stone twiddled his thumbs, until he got tired of that. Joan buzzed.

“Yes?”

“Mrs. Bacchetti is not available. She left Mumbai for Hong Kong.”

“How long ago?”

“Twelve hours. Do you want me to call her in Hong Kong? Twelve hours ought to be more than enough to get there.”

“Yes, please.”

“At what hotel?”

Stone gnashed his teeth. “Call Dino and ask him.”

“Yes, sir.” Joan’s light came on again.

A moment later, Stone’s phone rang. “Yes?”

“Stone?”

“Yes?”

“You called?”

“You were going to get me Mrs. Bacchetti, in Hong Kong.”

“This is Mrs. Bacchetti, and I am in Hong Kong.”

“I’m sorry, Viv, I thought you were Joan.”

“Was it Joan you wanted to speak to?”

“No, it was you.”

“Then speak.”

“Of course. Brooke Alley questioned me at some length over breakfast regarding the whereabouts of Shep Troutman.”

“Is that what you and Brooke do in the early morning? I’m disappointed to hear it. My imagination was more vivid.”

“No, we had already...”

“Ah, now you’re making sense. If you wanted to know where Shep is, why didn’t you ask Brooke, if you could get her to hold still for a moment.”

“No, the other way around.”

“That’s always fun, too.”

“No, Brooke wanted to know the whereabouts of Shep Troutman.”

“Then why didn’t you tell her? Why are you calling me in Hong Kong at bedtime?”

“Because I don’t want her to know where Shep is.”

“Then don’t tell her!”

“I didn’t. What I want to know is: Why would she want to know where Shep is?”