Mare Moody - [blank]

I squeeze my eyes shut. Maybe if I sleep, I will wake up and this will all be a dream. Before I drift to sleep, his voice pushes through the silence and fills my ears.

“What do you think life is about?” Noah whispers to me.

“What do you mean?” I ask. I can’t tell if this is his drunk banter or if he actually thinks about these kinds of things.

“You’ve never had an existential crises’?”

I chuckle and look at his face. His blue eyes are full of questions, rather than secrets. He begs to know rather than take. Warmth spreads over my heart.

“My whole life has been an existential crisis,” I joke.

He laughs. His laugh is hearty. It fills the room with giddy sound waves.

“Fine,” he says with a laugh, “what about philosophy?”

“What about philosophy?”

“Are you fond of Plato?”

“Plato?” I sigh, “That is the most cliche philosopher.”

“I agree, but you’d be surprised at how many girls don’t even know what existential means.”

I laugh. I haven’t been this happy since high school. I am happy with myself. Leaving was the best thing I could have done.

You shouldn’t have.

You know this.

I am not even going to acknowledge them. With Noah next to me, I have plenty to distract me.

“Oh, look!” Noah says, pointing out of his window. The sun is peeking out from the horizon. The once dark sky is now stained with purple, blue and orange striations. He gets up and sits on my the edge of his bed. I follow him and lean my head against his shoulder. He carefully places his hand on my thigh. We sit like a statue, watching the sun rise.

The deepest conversations are spoken through silence. I look up at Noah. He candidly looks ahead. When he senses my eyes, he peers down.

Our eyes match again. Every time they do, the same energy is transferred between us like a holy trade of angels to demons. He cleanses my soul and my worries with one look.

The sun begins to beat heavily and my eyelids grow heavy. With my head still resting on his shoulder and my body completely exposed, I drift to sleep. Peacefully and full of content.

The sunshine blinds me, even with my eyes closed. I squint as I open my eyes and put my hand in front of my face to block some of the incessant rays.

I am lying on the bed, directly facing the window. The sun pours over me; my skin glows and paints me as a small flame flickering in the light of life.

I turn my body to face the other way. I am greeted with the face of a blonde, extremely attractive man. He is still here.

He feels me stir and his eyes slowly open. As soon as he sees my eyes on him, a smile spreads across his face.

“Did you sleep well?” He mumbles. Sleepiness lingers in his voice.

“Yeah.” I move my face forward and my lips search for his. They met softly. My body eases of all tension. Our souls are floating above the bed, kissing in the spiritual essence, rather than just here and now.

As the kiss is pulled apart, we are both left with smiles taped to our faces. I hope this isn’t a one night thing. Although I’m not well-versed in drunken hook ups, it is commonly known that they tend to be one night stands.

I look at his sandy blonde hair. I reach over to him and run my hand through it. I pull him closer to me. He rests his head against my collarbone and wraps his arms around my waist. Peace fills the room. Nothing can disturb us in this state. Not even life.

We lie for a while, breathing in each others life. His scruff tickles my neck as he presses his lips to it. I chuckle lightly. Life is so simply described when using single words.

“Do you want some breakfast?” He asks me, his voice muffled by my neck.

“Sure.”

I pull the comforter off of us and move my feet to the side of the bed. The beating sun once again flows over my body. The rays nip at my skin and attempt to leave their mark.

I bend down and pick up a long white shirt from the floor.

“Already stealing my clothes?” Noah jests. I know he is fine with it, especially because he is well aware that my clothing is scattered through his front entry and bedroom.

I pull it over my head and stand up.

“Fight me.”

He laughs. God, I love that laugh.

“No hangover?” He asks.

“Nope,” I reply, “I’ve never had one.”

“Me neither.”

He throws his legs off of the opposite side of the bed and stands. He stretches as he stands. His biceps bulge and his exposed back flexes in the sunlight.

He walks to his closet and inspects it.

“Lazy or attractive?” He asks, obviously talking about his clothing choice for the day.

“Yes, you are,” I reply with the snarkiest tone of voice I can muster.

This brings out more laughs in him. The world seems like dance and I am conquering each step as if it were the last. I spin in perfect rhythm; the world blows air through my skirt, painting me like a ballerina on opening day of her debut. The smile on my face won’t wash of.

He walks over to me. He is only wearing a pair of grey sweatpants that rest perfectly on his waist. My hands land on his hips as he pulls me into a hug. I grow dizzy. The world around me begins to spin. I slip in his arms as my legs become numb.

“Are you ok?” He continues to hold me upright.

“Dizzy,” I mutter as the spinning grows sevenfold.

“We need to get some food in you.”

His arms rest on my waist as he leads me out of his room and into the kitchen.

He brings me to a chair in front of his breakfast bar. The bar flows perfectly into the kitchen and I see him frantically open a cabinet. He reaches in and grabs a frying pan. He pulls it out with so much vigor that the other pans in the cabinet topple down. He closes the door as soon as they begin to fall and holds it closed until the clattering stops.

He looks up at me blushing.

“Don’t worry about it.” He looks embarrassed. A red haze spreads over his cheeks and a huge grin is glued to his face. He takes the frying pan and puts it on the stove.

“Eggs?” He questions.

I hate eggs.

“Sure.”

He smiles at me and reaches into the fridge.

Why are you still here?

You cheated on Kane.

You fucking whore. You should kill yourself.

The voices attack my head. My eyes squeeze shut. They are so loud and demanding that I can’t help but flinch. My already dizzy body is overwhelmed and I put my hands over my ears. Maybe they will stop if they can’t get in.

Then I remember Noah. He doesn’t know. He can’t know. If he finds out, there is no way he will keep me around. I am surprised I’ve made it this far. I slowly take my hands off of my ears.

WHORE.

I grit my teeth. It’s ok. Breathe.

Kill yourself.

I don’t know why they are so strong right now. This is the least optimal time for it.

“What’s going on?” Noah is desperately shaking my shoulders. I realize that he has been asking me what is wrong since they started but my brain has been so out of it.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. My brain comes down from the adrenaline kick. I can feel my nerves again. I open my eyes and look up at him. He is on his knees in front of my chair. His eyes are filled with worry. A frown is firmly placed over his once permanent smile. I don’t like seeing him in distraught.

“Just a headache.”

His frown recedes. He looks down and laughs silently.

“So much for ‘I’ve never had a hangover’” He looks up at me with his smile slowly growing again.

I laugh along. I’m glad he bought that excuse. Hopefully I can get the voices under control if we become anything more than this. Whatever this is.