Elisabeth Carpenter - 99 Red Balloons

‘Come on, kid.’ He keeps trying to talk to me. ‘I’m getting bored driving, listening to bloody French radio stations. You’re not still mad at me, are you?’

He was mad at me , but I can’t say that. He’d tell me off again. He can just turn. I’ve seen grown-ups do that. I keep trying to guess to myself how old he is. He’s older than Daddy, but not as old as Gran. His hair is black, but it has loads of streaks of grey, and he’s either got a lot of hair gel in it, or it needs washing. That’s what Mummy says about Daddy’s, though he doesn’t wear hair gel much these days.

Tears come to my eyes when I think of Mummy and Daddy. They’ll be missing me by now. Are they really waiting for me in Belgium? George won’t let me talk to them on the phone. It would be good to hear their voices, then I won’t miss them as much.

I have to blink really fast to stop the tears. I daren’t ask George about Mummy any more. Every time I do, he shouts at me. For the fiftieth fucking time, stop talking about Mummy and Daddy. I’ll leave you in a field if you’re not careful . It was dark when he said that.

Out of the window, the land is flat. It’s like I can see for miles, but I can’t see England. We’re nowhere near the sea.

‘When are we stopping for food?’ It’s my tummy that told my mouth to talk. My brain didn’t want it to.

‘Ah, so it does speak.’ He reaches over to the passenger seat and puts a cap on his head. It’s not a nice cap like Abigail from school got from Disneyland, but a beige one – like a grandad would wear. ‘Once we cross the border, we’ll stop off somewhere. Promise. We just have to get past these bastards.’

He’s the only man I’ve ever met that would do swearing in front of a kid. My gran would have a coronary if she heard him.

In front of us, cars are lined up in rows. There are little houses in the middle of the road that everyone is stopping beside. George turns round.

‘Listen, kid. They might call you by a different name, but it’s just a game. We’re playing at pretend. If you win, and they don’t guess your real name, then I’ll buy you some sweets after your dinner. Deal?’

I nod. I just heard different name and sweets . I’m quite good at pretending. In my first school play, I was Mary – and I didn’t have to say anything. All the grown-ups believed I actually was Mary. ‘George’ might not even be his real name; I said it twice ten minutes ago and he didn’t reply. He was probably ignoring me again.

He can’t sit still in his seat. He must have ants in his pants. He turns round again.

‘Are you all right? Just be calm, everything will be okay.’

I am calm.

He wiggles his fingers on the steering wheel.

‘Come on, man. You can do it. Ten grand, ten grand. All the booze I can drink. Come on, man.’

He thinks he’s whispering, but he’s not doing it properly.

The car stops. George winds down the window, and says something. It’s not English.

He hands them some paper, but I can’t see what’s on it. He told me to look out of my side, so I can’t peek too much.

A face appears at the window. A man with a grey beard. He’s wearing a flat hat, like a policeman’s. He points at me and makes circle shapes with his hand. It makes me laugh.

‘He’s telling you to wind the window down.’ George doesn’t sound mad, or happy.

I grab the handle with two hands and wind it round until the window is halfway down. The man squints at me. He’s really close, but his nose doesn’t come through the window. Is he a policeman? Shall I tell him that I’ve lost my mummy? I wish I knew how to speak the way George does. I’m trying to smile but my eyes are watering.

He stands back up and walks slowly round the car. He bends down to talk to George.

‘ Die Kind ist acht? ’

He’s talking like they sing in that song. I wish I knew more words than ninety-nine red balloons .

‘ Ja weiß ich ,’ says George. ‘ Wir hören dass die ganze Zeit . Das arme Kind ist klein für ihr Alter .’

The man in the uniform laughs, but I can’t hear what he says back. I wouldn’t be able to understand it anyway. The guard hits the top of the car twice and says, ‘ Willkommen zurück nach Deutschland .’ And we drive away.

After three minutes, George flings off his cap. He bangs the steering wheel three times with his fists. ‘Get the hell in! We did it, kid. That was the worst one – they’re right tough sods, those German border bastards. We’ve only gone and fucking done it. We’re in Germany, little one!’

Germany? My mummy’s never been to Germany before. Why would she be here?

I look out of the window, and it’s raining.

So are my eyes.

Why have I woken?

It takes me a few blinks to realise where I am: on Emma and Matt’s sofa. Another few moments and I remember why I feel so ill. I need water – my mouth is so dry and my head is pounding.

I sit up. A chilly soft breeze flutters over my face, through my hair. It feels so refreshing.

Shit.

The front door’s open.

In the moonlight, I can see Matt asleep on the sofa by the window. I crawl towards him.

‘Matt, the door…’

I stand up.

Grace.

She must be back. Why else would the front door be open at this time? I race up the stairs.

‘Grace!’

I run into her bedroom – it’s empty.

Matt and Emma’s room – she’s not there either. Neither is Emma. The bed is crumpled, but empty. The bathroom door bangs against the tiles as I storm in. Before I pull the cord for the light I know there’s no one in here.

Jamie appears at the door of the spare room. ‘Is Grace back?’

‘No, love.’ I’m trying to sound calm, but am probably failing. ‘Go back to bed.’

I wait several seconds to see that he does, before galloping down the stairs. All the lights are on, and Matt isn’t in the house. I run out of the still-open front door, only wearing my socks. At the gate I look left and right, before making my way towards two people huddled together fifty metres away.

Emma is on her knees on the pavement; Matt has his arms around her.

‘You can’t look for her on your own, Em,’ he says. ‘It’s three o’clock in the morning.’

I crouch down in front of her. She’s still in her clothes from yesterday. It must have rained in the night; the ground is damp.

‘But I have to find her.’ She’s clutching the giraffe from Grace’s bed. ‘I have to. What else can I do?’

She cries out as though someone is ripping out her insides. I inch towards her on my knees and wrap my arms around her shoulders.

‘Let’s go inside.’ It’s a voice from above. I look up: it’s Nadia. Where has she been? Asleep in her car? She seems to come in and out of the house without me even noticing.

As we walk back to the house, neighbours’ house lights flick on one by one, like uncoordinated street lamps. Curtains twitch and faces come to the windows.

Nothing to see here. Mind your own fucking business.

The tea lights outside the front garden have long since gone out – and the teddies and ribbons tied to the fence look sodden.

Inside the house, Matt wraps a blanket around Emma’s shoulders and guides her upstairs. She’s still sobbing. He rubs her arms as she’s shaking so much, from the cold and from the shock.

‘Are you staying here tonight?’ I ask Nadia.

I hadn’t noticed if she had the previous nights – I had just assumed she was always here.

‘I’ll sleep on the sofa. I’ll grab a blanket from my car.’