Даниэла Стил - Finding Ashley [calibre]

Hattie wrote again later in the day, and said she could come up on a Saturday in ten days. She was working every day until then. Melissa responded that the date was fine with her. She sat thinking about it for a long time after she had sent Hattie her response. She was half excited to see her, and half afraid. Being with her would open so many doors of memory again, some of them so painful, but she suddenly longed to see her and Hattie had said the same.

She promised to arrive as early as she could. They were going to let her use one of the convent cars. Melissa thought about her almost constantly for the next ten days, and dreamed of her at night. In her dreams, they were both still children in New York, Hattie six or seven, and Melissa twelve and thirteen, always feeling responsible for her. And then, she thought about taking care of her when their mother was sick and after she died, and feeling so maternal toward her once they were alone after their father’s death. They had been so close, and then suddenly it was all broken when Hattie disappeared from her life, and gave up the world. Melissa had her own life then, with Carson, and then Robbie. And now so much time had passed. There was no one left of the people they had loved, just the two of them.

—

Melissa slept fitfully the night before Hattie came to see her. She woke up several times during the night, and lay wide awake for a long time before she fell asleep again. She got up early in the morning, went downstairs, and made coffee. It was a hot, beautiful July day, but not as warm as it had been before the fire. A slight breeze rippled through the trees. She had gone to the grocery store the day before to buy some things she thought Hattie might like to eat. She didn’t even know what she liked anymore.

Hattie had visited them a few times when Robbie was small, but Melissa had still been angry with her then. They didn’t let her leave the convent often in the first few years. They liked the younger nuns to stay within the community, and kept them busy with projects and chores. Melissa refused to visit her in the convent. She couldn’t bear the thought of it. So Hattie got permission to visit her, but it happened less and less frequently as they continued to drift apart. Her two years in Africa had created a real break in time, and Hattie seemed more certain than ever of her vocation when she got back. Melissa had seen more of her once Robbie got sick, and she came to sit with him to give Melissa and Carson a break. After he died, Melissa left New York, and cut all her ties with her previous life. Then Melissa was living in the Berkshires, she and Carson were divorced, and Melissa didn’t want to see anyone. The last time they had seen each other was at Robbie’s funeral, and Melissa had barely spoken to Hattie. She was in a daze. Melissa was afraid that seeing her would bring it all back.

The station wagon she had borrowed from the convent came up the driveway at ten a.m. Melissa knew she must have left New York before six to get there by then. She squinted in the sunlight to see her sister and was surprised when she got out of the car in jeans, a white T-shirt, and sneakers. She looked like any other woman in her early forties, going to pick up or drop off her kids. The bright copper hair was cut short, and had faded somewhat to a duller red, but was still surprisingly bright. Her red hair had been the bane of Hattie’s existence when she was younger, but she had the personality to go with it. It lit her up like a neon sign the moment she entered a room, and every teacher she’d ever had remembered her for her mischief, her constant laughter, and her red hair. Melissa always had an easier time staying below the radar, and Hattie envied her for that.

Melissa saw that she had put on a little weight, but she was still pretty, and had the same smiling face. Hattie looked cautious, but was smiling broadly as she approached and gave her older sister a hug.

“You look terrific, Mellie,” she said admiringly. “How do you stay in such good shape?”

“I work my ass off here.” Melissa smiled at her, as they sat down on the porch, and then Melissa went inside to get her something to eat. She had bought the cinnamon buns Hattie had loved as a child, and Hattie’s face lit up when she saw them.

“I haven’t had a cinnamon bun in twenty years. We have oatmeal for breakfast, and potatoes with every meal. It’s way too easy to gain weight. This is a beautiful place,” she said, looking around. She noticed all the details and impeccable touches, and guessed that Melissa had added them herself. She knew her sister and how thorough and attentive to detail she was. Melissa’s apartment in New York had been elegantly done too, especially once her books were at the top of every bestseller list and she was raking in the money, but Carson did well too. Their combined incomes had provided them a very agreeable life. Melissa had invested enough of it to continue to live well now too. Hattie was happy to see it, and relieved for her. She had no idea how her sister had come out of the divorce, but the house was testimony to the fact that she had enough money to live well, even though she hadn’t worked in seven years. She had stopped writing when Robbie was sick. She never left Robbie’s side in the final year. “This place would make a very nice convent retreat,” Hattie said, as she helped herself to a cinnamon bun.

“Not on your life,” Melissa responded immediately, and Hattie laughed, with the sticky sugar all over her mouth, just the way she’d looked as a kid, which made Melissa smile.

“I just thought I’d mention it, in case you get lonely up here,” Hattie said innocently.

“I don’t,” Melissa said firmly. “I like my own company. And I’ve worked on the house every day for four years.”

“It looks it. You’ve done a fantastic job.”

“Thank you.” She smiled at her younger sister. “It was a mess when I bought it, and needed a lot of work. It was just what I needed to keep busy. I have a great contractor who helped me do everything I wanted to.” She gave Hattie a tour of the house, and then they came back to the porch with a pitcher of lemonade. Melissa poured out two glasses, and observed her sister quietly. “You haven’t changed, Hattie.” She was as pretty and warm as ever.

“I doubt that, but I love what I do. That helps. And I know you hated the idea, and it was sudden, but the convent was the right choice for me. I realized when I went in that I wasn’t cut out to fight the battles I’d have to as an actress. It wasn’t meant for me.”

“You could have picked a different line of work,” Melissa said sadly.

“I feel safe where I am. And I knew you couldn’t protect me forever. You needed your own life.” The fact that Melissa had married a year after Hattie had gone into the convent had confirmed that to her. She had felt that she’d been a burden to her sister for fourteen years and kept her from leading a normal life for a young woman her age. It didn’t seem fair.

“It sounds crazy, but I feel like Mom sometimes. I’ve gotten so damn critical since I’ve been alone, and since Robbie died. Sometimes I hear myself, and I sound just like her,” Melissa admitted. “I hate that. She was so hard on everyone, or on me at least.”

“You two had a bad run for her last two years,” Hattie said, and Melissa nodded, thinking about it.

“I never forgave her for what she did, and then she was gone. I don’t think she forgave me either. They made a terrible mistake sending me away.” Melissa’s voice was raw as she said it. It felt as though it had happened yesterday.

Hattie hadn’t expected to get into the subject, but she waded into the deep waters with her. “She didn’t know what else to do. At least that’s what I thought later on. At the time I was just a kid, and didn’t understand all the ramifications of their decision. I didn’t get any of it until you explained it to me later.”