Kathryn Lilley: Makeovers Can Be Murder

Jana′s glow lost some of its wattage. ″It′s just Dr. Medina′s magic, I′m afraid.″

Uh-oh. Things must not be working out with her new husband. I wanted to kick myself for bringing up the topic.

Before I could dig myself any deeper, Jana said, ″I′m actually on my way to have dinner right now with my daughter, Shaina,″ she said. ″It′s our first reunion in two years. She was so upset when I married Gavin that she boycotted the wedding and took off to do volunteer work in Belize. She just flew in to Durham today to meet me.″

Jana′s daughter wasn′t the only one who hadn′t liked her mother′s choice of second husband. Gavin was a self-proclaimed investor of ″independent means,″ which was widely rumored to be no means at all. Jana, on the other hand, came from an old Louisiana family that had converted its diminishing old money into a new-money fortune by developing a cell phone franchise. Most of her friends-me included-suspected that Gavin had married Jana for her money.

Leaning in, Jana said, ″Listen, Kate, I only stopped by tonight because I heard you′d be here,″ she said. ″Can we get together for lunch this week? There′s something I′d like to talk to you about.″

″Sure,″ I said, reaching for my purse. ″Let me check my calendar.″

″Actually, it′s kind of urgent. Would tomorrow be okay? I hate to put you out.″

″No problem. Tomorrow′s fine.″

The expression on her face made me add, ″Are you sure you don′t want to talk right now, Jana? We could go outside or find a quiet room.″

But Jana was already jumping to her feet. ″No, I′ve got to go meet Shaina or I′ll be late,″ she said with a distracted look on her face. ″So tomorrow is really okay for you? How about Becca′s Bistro?″

″That′d be great,″ I said, trying to cheer her up with a grin. ″I love Becca′s. I used to fantasize about their desserts all the time when we were starving on the Fruit Diet.″

″Me, too.″ Jana responded with a smile, but it didn′t touch her eyes. ″Thank you so much, Kate. See you tomorrow.″

Without saying a word to anyone else, she headed for the door.

″Help, Evelyn! My ass is being attacked by giant daisies,″ I announced the next morning, smacking my butt for effect.

″It can′t be that bad,″ Evelyn called from the other side of the dressing room door. We were shopping at a bathing-suit store called Swimsuit Heaven. But after sweating through a series of god-awful try-ons, I felt like I was burning in Swimsuit Hell.

Evelyn poked her head inside and squinted at my latest candidate, which paired a bandeau top with a pair of flower-power bikini bottoms. ″Uh, right. That one not so much,″ she said.

″This is totally hopeless. Maybe I can attach some superlong hair extensions and hide my body underneath them to do the story. It worked for Lady Godiva,″ I replied. ″The viewers will just think I′m naked.″

The reflection of my bare belly under the fluorescent dressing-room lights was worse than I′d feared. When my waist cincher was removed, it had unleashed a short stack of bulges that spread east and west. To make things worse, each roll of fat was stippled with a line of bite marks where the cincher′s hooks had once held it in check.

″I can′t do this.″ I shook my head violently. ″I can not go on camera with this body. I′ll quit my job first. That′s what I′ll do-I′m gonna quit.″

A young-sounding voice trilled through the latticed door, ″How are we doing in there?″

″We′re doing peachy as frickin′ hell in here, thanks,″ I snapped.

A teenaged salesgirl peered past Evelyn, who was still standing in the doorway. Her eyes widened as they registered the imprinted row of dark pink hook marks on my newly unbound flesh.

″Oh, I′m so sorry-I didn′t know you just had stomach surgery,″ the girl whispered, and quickly retreated.

As I scowled and squirmed my way out of the bandeau top, Evelyn placed her fists on her hips. ″You′re not even going to think about quitting your job,″ she said. ″And may I point out the obvious? Jonathan loves every inch of your body. I can tell by the way he looks at you.″

″Well, get this-he′s never seen me naked with the lights on.″

Evelyn stared at me. ″Are you serious?″

Since her divorce, Evelyn had memorized every episode of Sex and the City . She must have assumed that was the way all singletons had sex.

″It′s not that unusual.″ I tried to keep a defensive note from creeping into my tone. ″I always set a romantic mood by putting on an outfit I buy online from Sexy Divas. Then, when things heat up, I turn off the lights. He thinks I do that because I was raised Irish Catholic. Oh God.″ I grabbed hold of both sides of my hair as a new thought whapped into my brain.

″What? What?″

″Jonathan′s squad mates are going to see this series,″ I said. ″Every cop in town is going to see more of me naked than he has. Oh, shit.″

I leaned my back against the mirror, then slid slowly down into a sitting position on the floor, legs splayed out in front of me. The sudden compression squeezed out my stomach below the belly button like a water balloon.

″I′ll be humiliated,″ I moaned. ″He′ll be humiliated. He′ll break up with me.″

″No, he won′t-stop it. Just share your feelings with him when he gets back from the UK.″ Evelyn was into sharing feelings in a major way. She touted it as a cure-all that could bring about world peace.

When I didn′t respond, she added, ″When′s Jonathan due back?″

″Next week, I think.″

″You think?″

″Well, he didn′t exactly tell me.″

″Oh?″ Evelyn glanced away. ″Huh.″

″What huh?″

When she didn′t answer, I glared at her until finally she shrugged. ″Well, whenever a guy doesn′t exactly tell me what′s going on, I kick his planet′s butt right out of my solar system,″ she said.

″Well, give him a break, Judy Jetson. His mother had pneumonia, for Pete′s sake.″

″Sorry about that, but it doesn′t make any difference, ″ she replied with a sniff. ″Guys are like dogs-you have to teach ′em how to heel.″

″Maybe with some men you do, but not with Jonathan.″

I didn′t want to tell Evelyn that there′d been some tension between Jonathan and me just before he′d left for the airport. It had been over something completely stupid, something that was sure to blow away as soon as we talked again, but still. Right then I was a little bit worried.

Evelyn snapped her wrist like someone jerking back on a leash. ″All I know is, it never hurts to give ′em a little yank every now and then,″ she said. ″Especially with a guy as hot as he is.″

I thumped my head against the mirror and squeezed my eyes shut. ″You′re right-he is hot,″ I said. ″So why would he want to see me naked? I don′t even want to see me naked. Clearly my love life is over.″