Claire LaZebnik - Knitting Under the Influence

“I’m sorry,” Sari said. And realized she really was. For Zack, mostly, and a little bit for Jason. “Is there anything I can do to help? I could send some candy home.”

He looked at her and his face suddenly relaxed into a smile. “I don't suppose you'd be willing to kick Denise's ass? I mean, you look like you could, with those boots and all.”

Sari laughed. “I doubt it-you said she was a real athlete in college and I’m kind of out of shape.”

“She's got some height on you, too. In the interest of full disclosure. But you've got that whole tough leather thing going on. And you don't look like you're out of shape.” He leaned back, resting his hip against the desk. “I’m so bummed about this. Poor Zack. I should never have let her have him on a holiday.”

“Do you guys have a custody arrangement worked out?”

“Not really. But it's never been a problem. We both assume I’ll have him, except for those one-in-a-billion moments when she actually feels some kind of maternal pull. Like tonight. And we both saw how well that worked out.”

“So what happened last Halloween?” Sari said. “You said Zack got scared. Did you go around your neighborhood?”

He sat down with a thump on a chair. “We drove over to my parents’ house, actually. I thought I was being so smart-I figured he'd feel safe because he goes over there all the time.”

“So what happened?” Sari sat down, too, across the table from him.

“Well, he started off already a little freaked out just because it was dark out and he didn't like the jack-o’-lanterns on the front porch. But it would have probably been fine, except my father decided it would be hilarious to open the door wearing a gorilla mask.” He grimaced. “It was unbelievable. I mean, I had called ahead just to warn them not to pull any surprises on Zack and then he goes and does that.”

“Why?” Sari said. “If you specifically asked him not to?”

“I don't know. Maybe he thought it was funny. Or maybe just because I told him not to. He's a sick old bastard.”

Sari tried to remember Jason Smith's father from high school events. She had a vague sense of someone tall with thick gray hair but she wasn't sure she was thinking of the right guy. “That's kind of harsh, isn't, it?”

He shrugged and tipped his chair back. “We've never gotten along very well. I’m this huge disappointment to him. Which he manages to remind me of every chance he gets.” He let the chair fall back into place with a thud. “Actually, now that I think about it, I bet he scared Zack just so he could make him scream and then use that as an example of what a bad parent I am and how I can't control my own kid.”

“He knows Zack has autism, right?”

“I’ve told him, but he doesn't believe it.”

“You're kidding.”

He shook his head. “He thinks all of Zack's problems come from having a mother who's the wage-earner. It screws a kid up if his dad doesn't wear the pants in the family, you know.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “If that's really the way he sees things-”

He waved his hand dismissively. “I’m used to it. I’ve been a disappointment to the guy since I was born. Why should that change now that I really am the biggest loser in town?”

“What makes you such a big loser?”

“Don't make me give you a list, Sari, please,” he said. “It's bad enough having to live with myself, but if you make me tell the one person I-” He stopped. “Not that you won't figure it out soon enough.”

She didn't say anything. She heard a door slam down the hall and thought, I should get up and say good night and leave this room. But she didn't move.

“I’m sorry,” he said when a moment had gone by and she still hadn't spoken. “I probably sound like a whiny brat. My father doesn't love me and all that. I’m sorry.”

“No, it's okay,” she said. “I wasn't thinking that. It's just… I’m a little confused. You were so different in high school. You were kind of on top of the world back then.”

He gave a short unpleasant laugh. “I so wasn't. Maybe it looked that way from a distance, but all I remember about those days was how my parents were always screaming at me because I had done badly on a test or the coach hadn't played me or I had forgotten to take out the garbage or something like that. I was always being grounded and threatened with military school.”

“But when you were actually at school-” Sari said. “I mean, you owned the place.”

“Hardly.”

There was the sound of a child either laughing or crying coming from another part of the clinic. Sari looked toward the door and said, “I should probably go help Ellen.”

“Don't go yet,” Jason said. “Please.”

“There's always a big mess to clean up.”

“I bet. How'd you end up working here anyway?”

“I went to college here and then graduate school and it just made sense-”

“But I mean, why an autism clinic? Do you have a relative with autism or something?”

He really didn't know? “My brother,” she said.

“You're kidding.”

She just shook her head.

“I didn't know you had an autistic brother.”

“He went to school with us,” she said. “He was there the whole time you were.”

“Really?” Jason said. “You'd think I’d have remembered that. What class was he in?”

“He wasn't exactly in a class. There was this special needs program-”

“Oh, wait, I remember,” he said. “The Resource Room, right?”

“Yeah. Popularly referred to as the Retard Room.”

“Oh, man,” he said. “I remember that, too, now. God, kids can be mean. It scares me for Zack.”

“He'll be okay.”

“I’m sorry,” he said suddenly, and Sari's stomach clenched. But then he said, “It must have been rough for your family to have to deal with the whole autism thing back then. Everything I read says it was like the Middle Ages, just a generation ago. No behavioral interventions, no real understanding, mothers being blamed… It couldn't have been easy.”She didn't say anything. He was one of the reasons it hadn't been easy.

“What's he like now?” Jason asked. “Your brother? Does he live at home? Does he talk? I’m so insanely curious about adults with autism. I’m desperate to know what Zack will be like when he's all grown up.”

“Zack won't be anything like my brother. He's getting the right kind of help. It makes all the difference.” Zack wouldn't be like Charlie because of her, she thought. It was so unfair it took her breath away.

“Is he in an institution?”

“No. He lives with my parents.”

“Does he talk?”

“Yeah. Mostly demands for food and dialogue from movies.”

Jason reached across the table and she was looking around to see what it was he was reaching for, when he put his hand on hers. “Sounds like it's been tough,” he said.

She pulled her hand away with a movement so fast it was almost violent

“I’m sorry,” he said, quickly withdrawing his hand. “Please don't take offense.”

“I’m not offended.” She pushed her chair back. “But I should go help clean up.”

“Don't go.” He scrambled to his feet as she stood up. “Please, Sari. Please don't go. That was stupid of me. I just felt bad for you. That's all. I’m not some guy making moves. You have to know that.”

“I don't know what you are,” she said and meant it.

“I wish you were willing to find out. We could go have a drink-”

“I can't. I have to go help the others now.” She felt all roughed up on the inside-like someone had done to her guts what she had done to her hair earlier that evening.

“After?”