Claire LaZebnik - Knitting Under the Influence

“No, it's not. It's a frat boys drink. A whole different thing.”

Sari frowned at her glass of white wine. “Clearly, I lose this particular contest. But why exactly do we have to be manly in our choice of alcoholic beverages?”

“It's just cooler,” Lucy said.

“Scotch tastes like medicine,” Sari said.

“I like it,” Lucy said and drank it slowly, but with real pleasure. She stopped after one-she was driving, and scotch was strong stuff-but the other two had another round, so when they finally got to the costume store, they were all pretty looped and giggly.

Sari was relaxed enough now to try on a sexy cat costume. When she walked out of the fitting room, Kathleen let out a loud wolf whistle, and everyone in the store turned to look.

“For God's sake, Kathleen!” Sari grabbed the fitting room curtain and pulled it across her body. “Do you have to completely embarrass me?”

“What are you talking about?” Kathleen said. “You look fantastic. Every other woman in this store would kill to look that good in a leotard.”

Lucy said, “She looks good, but the black cat thing's a total cliché-everyone does it. Try this one.” She handed Sari another outfit.

When Sari reemerged, Lucy said, “Now that's perfect. It totally fits with the theme.”

“A nurse's uniform?” Kathleen said.

“Yeah. I mean, she's working with sick kids-”

“They're not sick, they have autism,” Sari said. “And it's made out of vinyl, Lucy. I can't wear white vinyl to work. That's just wrong.”

“Why not?” Kathleen said. “It wipes off easily.” For some reason, this struck all three of them as hysterically funny, and they laughed so hard that Kathleen had to crouch down to keep from falling over.

A saleswoman came over and eyed them suspiciously. “May I help you?” she said.

“No, thank you,” Sari said, just as Lucy said, “Yes, you can. We need a costume for our friend here that shows off her assets, but doesn't go over the top. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah,” Kathleen said, clambering to her feet. “It should say, ‘I could get any man I want but I don't need a man to be happy and just because I’m letting you look doesn't mean you should even dream about touching.’ Oh, and kids should think it's totally super-cool.”

The saleswoman was in her mid- to late fifties. She had short gray hair and wore half-moon reading glasses on a chain around her neck. She looked back and forth between them for a moment, her eyes narrowed, her lips pressed together in a hard line.“All right,” she said. “I’ll see what I can do. Wait here.” She disappeared down an aisle.

“Vinyl,” Sari said, looking down at herself. “I can't believe you guys.”

“What do you think she'll come back with?” Kathleen asked Lucy.

“I don't know. It just better not be another damn cat.” They all dissolved into giggles again.

The saleswoman returned with a costume.

“What is it?” Lucy asked.

“A warrior princess. Guys go crazy for this one. But it's not too revealing. Try it on.” She pushed it at Sari, who obediently disappeared inside the fitting room. She soon came back out in a tight fake leather and metal miniskirt and an even tighter bustier top made out of the same materials.

“Plus there are wrist cuffs,” the saleswoman said, holding them up.

“You know who you are, Sari?” Kathleen circled around her. “You're Xena-the coolest woman ever! It's perfect”

“You're totally hot,” Lucy agreed, “but not indecent. The kids will just think you look like a superhero, but the dads will think they've died and gone to heaven.”

“What do you think?” Sari said, appealing to the saleswoman. “Would you wear this to a Halloween party for kids?”

“Honey,” the saleswoman said, “if I looked as good in that as you do, I would wear it to Sunday dinner at my in-laws.” She handed them the hanger and wrist cuffs and went off after another customer.

Kathleen stared after her. “I think I’m in love,” she said.

“There's an age difference,” Sari said.

“Love knows no boundaries.”

“We need tall black boots to complete the outfit,” Lucy said.“Do you have anything like that, Sari? With high heels? Really high heels?”

Sari rolled her eyes. “What do you think?”

“I have some that would be perfect,” Kathleen said.

“And twelve sizes too big,” Lucy said. “There's a Shoe Pavilion down the street-we'll find something there.”

Sari was studying herself in the mirror. “Are you sure this isn't too much?” she said. “I mean, look at my breasts.”

“I can't take my eyes off of them,” Kathleen said. “How'd you manage to hide them all these years?”

Lucy was still eyeing Sari critically. “I wish your hair were longer,” she said. “Why'd you have to cut it so short?”

“Because I worked with a kid who kept pulling on it,” Sari said. “He was yanking it right out of my head.”

“Doesn't that piss you off?” Lucy said.

“Nah. It wasn't his fault. He didn't know how else to get my attention. But he's doing really well now-he can say a lot of words and isn't nearly so frustrated.”

“I still don't think I can forgive him,” Lucy said. “I mean, your hair.”

“I think the short hair actually works with this,” Kathleen said. “Just make sure you chop it up with gel or mousse or something, Sari. Xena shouldn't be fluffy.”

“Xena had long straight hair,” Lucy said.

“Yeah, but the little blond chick on the show cut hers short and after that looked even hotter than Xena.”

Sari bought the costume and they threw the bag into Lucy's car, then left it there while they walked the thirteen blocks down Wilshire Boulevard to the shoe store. It was a beautiful afternoon, and they were all still drunk enough to feel giddy and laugh a lot for no reason. People turned to look at them-men, especially-because they were pretty girls who were laughing and chatting and who weren't trying to catch anyone's eye-were, in fact, completely uninterested in any company except one another's.

At the store, Kathleen sashayed toward the others on a pair of shoes with high, spiky heels. “What do you guys think?”

“Jesus,” Sari said. “You're like this Amazonian thing.”

“You could whip Xena's ass,” Lucy said, looking up from a stack of shoe boxes she was scanning for Sari's size.

“Yeah?” Kathleen loomed over Sari. “Well, then, I challenge you, warrior princess. Kathleen the Amazon will smash you into dust.”

“Do it in the mud, and we can charge admission,” Lucy said. “Guys'll pay a fortune to see two girls fight in spikes and leather. I can't find a seven in these, Sari. Will seven and a half work?”

“Probably not.”

“That's the spirit. Sit down. You're trying them on.”

Lucy extracted the box she wanted as Kathleen went lurching back in her high heels to the aisle where she had found them. “I wonder why she likes to wear such high heels when she's already so tall,” Lucy said. “I mean, I know why I do it-it's the only way to make my legs look halfway decent. But the last thing she needs is more height.”

Sari sat down on the floor and pushed off her Crocs. “People notice her,” she said. “I think she likes that. First time I met her, she walked into this party-at Laurie Wong's house, actually-remember her?-and everyone immediately turned to look at her because… well, you basically couldn't miss her. I thought she was a model or actress or something and I figured she'd be all stuck-up and full of herself.” Lucy handed her a boot and she pulled it on and held out her hand for the other one. “But she was Kathleen. She threw herself down next to me and said she was bored, so I said something about how I wished it wasn't rude to knit at a party, and she told me how some baby-sitter had taught her when she was in sixth grade but she hadn't done it in ages. So then I started telling her about how there were all these amazing new knitting stores in Santa Monica and at some point we said we'd go to one the next morning together and we did and had a blast. And then you took that knitting class and got all excited about starting a club-” She stood up. Wobbled. “A little high, don't you think?”