Claire LaZebnik - Knitting Under the Influence

“Have a nice evening,” Sam said and turned to go.

“Wait,” Kathleen said.

“What?”

“Don't you think it's a little weird?”

“What?”

“Hanging out with your ex-wife. People aren't supposed to go out with their exes.”

“Why the hell not?”

“It's just weird, that's all,” she said. “My parents are divorced and they can't stand each other.”

“Right,” he said. “Your parents. Those stellar examples of a healthy lifestyle.”

“People get divorced because they don't want to be together.”

“I married Pat because I enjoyed her company,” he said. “That hasn't changed.”

“Then why'd you divorce her?”

“That's the topic of a much longer discussion than I’m prepared to have at this moment,” Sam said. “Or probably ever, with you.”

“You don't have to be a jerk about it,” she said. “It was a legitimate question.”

“Good night, Kathleen,” he said. “I suspect I’ll see you soon.”

He put out his hand, but Kathleen just walked away without taking it. She didn't know why she was so annoyed at him, but she was.

She came over to the table and collapsed ungracefully into her seat. Her main course was already there and waiting for her, the chicken and rice steaming gently.

Kevin picked up his fork and said, “You were gone forever.”

“Long line,” she said and stabbed her knife savagely into the chicken breast.

So, what do we think?” Kathleen held the necklace up for general inspection.

Lucy immediately dropped her knitting and jumped up to look. She slid her palm under the chain and pulled it closer to her eyes. “Silver?” she said. “Or white gold?”

“Silver,” Kathleen said. “Which I happen to like.”

“I didn't say anything negative.”

“You were about to.”

“I think it's pretty,” Lucy said with a shrug, letting the necklace slip away from her fingers.

Kathleen brought it over to Sari. “What do you think?”

“It's beautiful,” Sari said. “So Kevin just up and took you to Tiffany's, huh?”

Kathleen put the necklace back in its velvet box and closed it with an audible pop. “Yep. He said, ‘You need a necklace,’ and right to Tiffany's, just like that.”

“Next time, point out you could use a new car,” Lucy said, sitting down and picking up her knitting. “See what happens.”

“Right to BMW,” Sari said. “Just like that.”

“Oh, please,” Lucy said. “No one drives BMWs anymore. It's all about the Audis. Or, if you're really cool, a hybrid.”

“I’d take a Lexus convertible,” Kathleen said. “That's what Kevin drives.”

“That's so open-minded of you,” Sari said as she carefully slipped a bunch of stitches from one needle to the other. “Being willing to settle for a Lexus.”

“What can I say?” Kathleen threw herself into a dining room chair and pulled the bowl of bagels toward her. “I’m a saint.” She started flipping through the bagels.

“Can you please just touch whichever bagel you're planning to eat?” Lucy said.

“Maybe I’m planning on eating them all.” She extracted a poppy seed one. “I can't believe you're almost done with that blanket, Sar.”

Sari said, “I have no life. That's why I get so much knitting done. Every night, while the two of you are out being social and having fun-and probably having sex-”

“Definitely having sex,” Kathleen said.

“I’m sitting in front of the TV, knitting. It's pathetic.”

“At least you're making something useful,” Kathleen said.

“Yeah,” Sari said. “I could probably knit this baby five blankets before it's even born. I could knit one for a king-size bed with the time I have.”

“You want me to ask Kevin if he has any great friends?” Kathleen said.

“Why? You think they need blankets?”

“No, I mean to date.”

Sari thought about it. Her needles clicked and their metal ends flashed. “Yeah, I guess,” she said after a moment. “Why not?”

“Make sure they're rich,” Lucy said to Kathleen. “If yours is rich, I think it's only fair that Sari's be rich, too.”

“Amen to that,” Sari said. “Hey, guys, either of you have any good ideas for a Halloween costume?”

“You going to a party?” Kathleen asked.

“No. I have to get dressed up for this thing we do at the clinic. Most of the kids are scared to trick-or-treat for real, so they come in costume and we hand out candy. Usually I just wear scrubs or something easy like that, but Ellen yelled at me for being lazy about it last year.”

“You could be a sexy cat,” Kathleen said.

“Or a very wicked witch,” Lucy said. “In one of those tight black dresses that lace over your boobs.”

“Or a sexy little French maid,” Kathleen said. She batted her eyes, her hand to her chest. “Oh, but, monsieur, madame-she weell find out!”

“Uh, guys?” Sari said. “I’m going to be handing candy out to a bunch of four-year-olds with autism. Call me crazy, but I really don't think I have to be all that sexy.“

“You're crazy,” Kathleen said. “It never hurts to be sexy.”

“I’ve got a good idea,” Lucy said. “Let's go to a costume store right now and we'll help you pick something out.” “You really don't have to,” Sari said.

“It'll be fun. You free, Kathleen?”

“Kevin and I were supposed to go to the beach with some friends of his this afternoon, but I’d rather do this.”

“She's already losing interest,” Lucy said to Sari. “What's it been? Two weeks? Three?”

“That's our girl,” Sari said.

“I’m not losing interest,” Kathleen said. “I just don't feel like I have to spend every minute of the day with him.”

“Kathleen, you always lose interest after a few weeks,” Lucy said. “You've got relationship ADD.”

“That's because it's always just been about having fun before,” Kathleen said. “No one can sustain fun forever. But this is about more than that. This is about stability and friendship and-”

“She's bored out of her mind,” Lucy said to Sari.

“How come you don't get bored with us?” Sari asked.

“It's the sex,” Lucy said. “She gets bored having sex with the same guy over and over again. Since she doesn't have sex with us-”

“Shouldn't that make you even more boring?” Kathleen asked.

“No, because you actually bother talking to us,” Lucy said. “If you ever found a guy you liked talking to instead of just having sex all the time, you might last more than a few weeks with him.”

“Don't blame me,” Kathleen said. “There isn't a guy out there who's willing to sit around and talk when he thinks he could be having sex.”

It was Kathleen's idea to take Sari out for a drink before going to the costume store, but Lucy immediately seconded the motion.

“You'll be more open to our suggestions if you're tipsy,” Kathleen said.

“You mean you're going to force an outfit on me when I’m too drunk to argue,” Sari said.

“We're your friends,” Lucy said. “If you can't trust us-”

“You're my friends,” Sari said. “And I don't trust you at all.” But she let them drag her into a bar half a block from their destination.

When the bartender brought them their drinks, Kathleen said to Lucy, “I can't believe you drink straight scotch.” “It's not straight,” Lucy said. “It's on the rocks.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I like it. It's a manly drink. And it's lower in calories than those girly cocktails everyone else drinks, but gets the job done faster.”

“I’m drinking a beer,” Kathleen said. “That's just as manly as scotch.”