Claire LaZebnik - Knitting Under the Influence

“That's excessive,” James said.

“Not all at once.”

James stood up abruptly. “I’ve got to hit the John. Be right back.” He left. There was a moment of silence.

“I hate sac'ing rats,” Lucy said.

“Me, too,” said David.

“Let's set them all free,” she said. “Let's go back to the lab and set them all free to live a happy carefree life eating trash and having casual rat sex.”

“You know we can't,” he said. “They'd die within days. And the research we're doing is worth sac'ing a few rats for.”

“Yeah,” she said. “I know that.”

“So we're trapped,” he said.

“Like rats in a cage.”

Knitting circle was at Kathleen's place that Sunday. (At Sari's the week before, Lucy had protested. “There are no chairs in her apartment. It'll kill our backs.” “Oh, stop being such a princess,” Kathleen had said, and Sari said, “It's her turn, Lucy.”)

When Lucy walked in the open apartment door, Kathleen called out, “Hey, Luce, come quick! Sari just told me she kissed Jason Smith!”

“No fucking way!” Lucy said, dropping her bag and running over. Kathleen and Sari were cross-legged and side by side on an airbed-the only furniture in the whole room-already knitting. Lucy kicked off her shoes and sank down on the floor in front of them.

“I didn't kiss him,” Sari said. “He kissed me before I could stop him.”

“Why would you want to stop him?” Kathleen said.

“Come on,” Sari said. “You guys know why this is weird for me. And it's just getting weirder. I mean, I see him with Zack almost every day, but I can't even look at him. I feel like he's waiting for me to say something. I think he thinks I’m screwing with his mind, but I’m not, I’m really not-”

“You should be,” Lucy said.

“I told him about Charlie. He said he hadn't remembered that I had a brother.”

“You think he's lying?” Lucy asked.

“No-he probably doesn't remember him. Which only shows how little he-” Sari waved her hand in the air. “You know. That even when he was mean to Charlie, he barely noticed him. Like squashing a bug or something.”

“Is he really that big a jerk?” Kathleen asked. “He seemed kind of nice.”

“I don't know,” Sari said. “He says all the right things. But don't forget-since high school, he's had a kid with autism. It changes people.”

“So maybe he's changed,” Kathleen said.

“Yeah, but does that count?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know…” Sari thought a moment, putting her knitting down on the floor next to her and hugging her knees to her chest. “Here's a guy who treated people badly when things were going well for him, and then this thing happened with his kid. So now he's more sensitive about other people and maybe even kinder… But, the truth is, if he'd been given the choice, he probably would have rather gone on having a perfect life and being a total jerk.” She looked up. “Can you really give a guy credit for that? If he's only a decent human being because it was forced on him?”

“I don't think you can ever really trust someone like that,” Lucy said. “I mean, if a guy goes around killing people and then his own mother gets killed, it's a little late for him to decide that murder is wrong-”

“Well, murder? Kathleen said. “Let's just compare him to Saddam Hussein and be done with it. Come on, Lucy-being a schoolyard bully isn't the same as being a murderer.” She stabbed her needles at each other, frowning in concentration. “Anyway, you can't really judge people on who they might have been if things had been different, can you? All you can do is take them the way they are and like them or not for that.”

“Right,” Lucy said, “and Attila the Hun was probably a great guy when he was on vacation.”

“Meaning-?”

“That if you know someone's done some shitty things, you can't just take them the way they are at any given moment. You have to use the information you've got, remember the history. Sari shouldn't forget what she knows about Jason-I bet she couldn't, even if she wanted to.”

“She could give him another chance, though,” Kathleen said. “I mean, I did some lousy things in high school-I was this jock and I had a lot of jock friends and we all hung out and we were kind of the cool kids, and I don't think we were all that nice to some of the other kids. I wouldn't want to be judged by all that.”

“But maybe you should be,” Lucy said.

“When did you get so rigid?” Kathleen said. “Haven't you ever wanted someone to give you the benefit of the doubt?”

“I’m not rigid,” Lucy said. “I can see both sides of a lot of issues. I mean, James is rigid. Compared to him, I’m the most tolerant person in the world.”

Kathleen raised her eyebrows. “First Saddam Hussein, then James. You keep going to extremes.”

“Are you saying my boyfriend is like Saddam Hussein?”

“No,” Kathleen said. “He's better-looking. But I want to go back to talking about Cute Asshole Guy. Sari, be honest-do you want to sleep with him?”

“Yes,” Sari said with a sigh. “So much. Physically he's everything I’d want in a guy. He has the most incredible body…”

“So…?” Kathleen said.

“You know why I can't.”

“What happened to the plan?” Lucy said, looking up from her knitting.

“What plan?”

“The go-out-with-him-and-ruin-his-life plan.”

“Oooo,” Kathleen said. “I like that plan.”

“Take it-it's yours,” Sari said. “I don't want a plan.”

“She can't have it,” Lucy said. “I made that one especially for you. Kathleen has her own plan. The marry-him-and-take-his-money-and-then-divorce-him plan.”

“I never said I was going to divorce him.” Kathleen took a swig of coffee. “That would be wrong. I intend to stay married to Kevin forever. Assuming, you know, we get married in the first place.”

“What was that?” Lucy said with a jump and a startled look around. “I just heard a noise in your kitchen. You don't have a cat, do you?”

“Of course not.”

“Then-”

They all turned toward the kitchen door in time to see Sam Kaplan emerge. “Oh, sorry,” he said, halting at the doorway. “Didn't realize you had company.”

“It's okay.” Kathleen dropped her knitting and scrambled to her feet. “Sari, Lucy-my upstairs neighbor. Sam.”

“The guy who owns the building?” Lucy said. “Does that mean you're allowed to come sneaking into people's apartments without knocking?”

“Actually, I did knock,” Sam said. He was dressed neatly in a pair of khakis and a blue polo shirt. “I always knock, but Kathleen never hears me. She usually has that iPod thing coming out of her ears. And, believe me, she has no great respect for my privacy.” He turned to Kathleen. “I was on my way to pick up the newspaper and get some coffee. You want anything?”

“We have coffee,” Sari said. “One of those big cardboard Starbucks thingies that hold like twelve cups. Please have some.

Or we'll be shaking all day.”

“There are donuts, too,” Kathleen said.

“I haven't eaten a donut in thirty years,” he said. “So what do you girls think of what Kathleen's done to the apartment?”

“Minimalist,” Lucy said and he laughed.

“This used to be a nice apartment, believe it or not.” He looked back and forth among them. “I thought Kathleen was the only woman under the age of sixty who liked to knit, but I guess I was wrong.”

“Shows how much you know,” Kathleen said. “Tons of girls our age knit. It's very hip.”

“Really?” Sam said. “Why? Sweaters are cheap these days- you can't possibly save any money knitting your own. And it takes forever, doesn't it?”