Robert Rankin - Retromancer

‘I thank you for it, Rizla. I am free now. Write of our adventures. Tell the world of Hugo Rune. Feel free to exaggerate. But write me as a kindly man. And if they ever dramatise your book, I would like David Warner to play my part.’

And before my eyes the Magus was fading.

‘Goodbye, Rizla,’ he said.

But I cried, ‘No, please, please do not go.’

But-

And his hand touched mine for a moment.

And Hugo Rune was gone.

And I sat there on that bench and I had a good old cry. That wonderful figure was no more and I would never ever see him again. I felt guilty, I felt sad, but I knew that he was happy.

He had done what he had set out to do and I had helped him do it. All was as it should be now, but I felt a terrible loss. I wiped away a tear and sighed and sucked upon my Woodbine.

‘And would you just be sitting there moping your life away and not sharing your fags?’ asked a voice that I knew rather well.

I looked up into the smiling face of one John Vincent Omally.

‘Would you look at yourself, Jim,’ said he. ‘My bestest friend draped over a park bench like a wino. What is that all about? I am asking myself.’

‘I have had a bit of an emotional time, as it happens, John,’ I said. And I offered my cigarette.

My bestest friend took it and sucked upon same. ‘I was just in Norman ’s,’ he said. ‘The lad tells me that you are thinking to take to The Work.’

‘Such is expected of me,’ I said, taking back my cigarette and giving it a puff. ‘Although I do have to confess that I am not altogether keen.’

Omally seated himself beside me and stared off into the distance. ‘I am sure great days lie ahead for the both of us,’ he said. ‘Although I do not believe that these days will involve us getting too deeply involved in The Work.’

‘You really think so?’ I asked my bestest friend.

‘Would I lie to you?’ said John Omally.

‘No, I do not think that you would.’

And we sat there together and shared another cigarette.

And we talked of this thing, that thing and the other. And if this had been a movie, rather than real life, the camera would have slowly pulled out from the two of us sitting there, moved back and upwards taking in the Memorial Park, the rows of Victorian terraced houses, the pubs and the shops and the flat blocks and all that is Brentford. And then, perhaps, by some FX cleverness pulled out further, from Brentford to all of London, to all of England and then to all of the world.

And then perhaps off into the darkness of space.

Then fade to the words

[1]Dot of the Antarctic was the founder of TSFTFSOTF, the unpronounceable and instantly forgettable acronym of The Society for the Forgotten Sisters of the Famous. In its heyday TSFTFSOTF numbered amongst its members not only Florence of Arabia, Fay Guevara and Sharon Munchausen, but also Jordon of Khartoum and Julia Caesar. Today the society is, alas, all but forgotten.

[2]And a good one, too: Knees Up Mother Earth.

[3]Before some astute reader takes me to task regarding the year that the first broadcast of The World At War took place (1973), let me clarify that this is not a mistake on my part; it is caused by the Chevalier Effect (see The Brightonomicon for details of this phenomenon).

[4]Hugo Rune’s favourite cocktail, comprising: 1 part absinthe, 1 part liquid ether, 2 parts laudanum and a glacé cherry. Neither shaken nor stirred, but drunk with extreme caution.

[5]For a full explanation see The Brightonomicon. But a brief explanation follows here.

[6]‘Uncle Ted’ was not my Uncle Ted. Uncle Ted’s Greengrocer’s Shop was simply the name of the shop. Although it was run by a man named Ted, who was possibly someone’s uncle.

[7]Although I could not recall exactly when he did. But I assume that he must have done as it is the title of the book.

[8]See The Brightonomicon, if for some inexplicable reason you have not yet purchased a copy.

[9]A track from the Before and After Science album, 1977. One of his best, according to popular opinion.

[10]Cabbies still carry this today. It is a tradition, or an old charter, or something.

[11]These classic lines of movie dialogue have been included to add that little bit of extra class to an otherwise pretty classy scene.

[12]Although it might well be argued that it was still July, it was not, as it was September. It is unlikely that poor continuity plays a part in this, more likely that it is a product of the Chevalier Effect.

[13]Although technically these would be peahen eggs.

[14]For further details check your now-treasured copy of The Brightonomicon.