Robert Rankin - Retromancer

I took into myself the deepest of breaths and climbed onto the disc of Gravitite. And then I shouted, ‘Up and away!’ And in a state of fear above and beyond any previous states of fear that I had ever experienced, I was up and away.

The count on his motorcycle rose higher and higher and I on my disc gave chase. I tried very hard to focus my mind upon the fact that this was really happening, because I was seriously beginning to wonder whether I might just be dreaming the entire thing and be about to wake up at any moment in my cosy bed in Brentford, with the morning sun looking in at my window.

But then the count fired at me.

The bullet ricocheted off the Gravitite disc and I nearly fell to my doom.

‘Oh no you do not, you blackguard,’ I cried and I did nifty manoeuvrings. And I think I might well have swept around and knocked him right off his flying motorbike, had I not struck my head upon something I had not noticed and knocked myself almost into unconsciousness.

I managed an, ‘Oh,’ and also, ‘That hurt,’ and then I became aware. Through Mr Rune’s goggles I saw things aright, and liked not all that I saw.

I was aboard the Zeppelin now. I had clouted my head upon an iron stanchion and fallen onto one of the many decks. And the Gravitite disc had-

‘Oh no!’ I could see the disc spinning off into the sky, getting further and further away.

Which was not good.

Far below me now I could see the roof of the Empire State Building and the field generator perched upon it, and Mr Rune frantically trying to do something or other to the controls. Although I did not know what he intended, and now, as I looked at my watch to see the final minutes ticking away, I realised that it no longer mattered. It was all too late. We had failed, the evil count had won. The atom bomb was about to drop and history about to change.

‘Oh no,’ I said. ‘Oh no, oh no. Oh no. I cannot let this happen. I must do something.’

‘You could jump,’ said the voice of Count Otto Black. Who was climbing from his motorcycle combination, which was now parked nearby on the deck. ‘Or I could fling you over the side. Or perhaps I know a better fate for you. One where you stand by helplessly and watch as your fat mentor and all that lies spread beneath him is annihilated.’

And a Luger pistol was trained on me once more and Count Otto Black urged me forwards.

If I had been in the mood to enjoy it I would oh so easily have fallen deeply in love with the Zeppelin. It was a thing of unutterable beauty and near faultless design. A thing, it must be said, that was not of the nineteen forties, but rather of some futuristic time.

Of the very time, perhaps, that Mr Rune and I had been transported to. Where we had met his future self.

‘Forwards,’ urged the count, and we entered the Zeppelin’s flight deck. Sky-men dressed in elaborate uniforms, which were more of a Victorian style than of some possible future, worked at dials and stopcocks, pulling great levers and viewing shining consoles that ran with twinkling lights.

And at the very heart of this flight deck there was a raised golden dais, and upon this a throne of tubular glass, and upon this… the robot.

And this was a mighty fine robot. Far better than the one that I had viewed at Bletchley Park. This was a real vision-of-an-alternative-future sort of robot. All gold and finely muscled as a naked man. And there was something about it that was beyond any concept of ‘Robot’. This was a mechanical being, but a living mechanical being. This was a thing of metal, possessed by the spirit of a God. And this construct of terrible power and wonder turned its head towards me. And if I had earlier known fear, it was as nothing before this.

‘Black.’ And its voice rang out and seemed to rattle my bones. The count threw me to the flight deck floor and placed his foot on my back.

‘Heil, Wotan,’ cried the count. And all the sky-men halted in their workings and joined him in this heil.

‘Is all prepared, Black? Is all satisfactory?’

‘All is prepared, O great one. The ionizing ray of the field generator is locked upon this craft. We can no longer be observed from below, and the moment the bomb falls from our bomb bay, we will be instantly teleported back to Berlin. There you may sit in glory, to await the Allies’ surrender.’

And Count Otto Black almost did the mad laughings. But he restrained himself, for to do mad laughings in front of an ancient God reborn into the body of a robot was probably inappropriate.

I now struggled to get at my revolver, but it was all sort of bunched up in my jacket beneath me and the count’s long foot was pressing down hard on my back.

‘Begin the countdown,’ came the terrible voice, rattling now my fillings and raising my hair on end.

I did not see who pressed the button, but one of the blighters did. Because now there came that pulled-emergency-cable-siren noise which signals that something somewhere is shortly to explode.

‘Ten.’ I struggled. But to no effect at all.

‘Nine.’ The count hauled me up.

‘Eight.’ He dragged me from the flight deck.

‘Seven.’ He took me to the rail.

‘Six.’ He lifted me high.

‘Five.’ He laughed in my face.

‘Four.’ Then I spat in his.

‘Three.’ Then he flung me.

Down

Two

And down

One

Zero

The great bomb fell with a rush and a scream and I fell down and down.

Then suddenly there came another rushing to my ears and something swept up and took me.

I found myself now in the arms of Hugo Rune, who smiled. and said, ‘Perk up, Rizla.’

Which offered at least a moment of joy.

Before the bomb exploded.

And now I stood, though rather shakily, in the bar at Hotel Jericho. And Fangio was serving us cocktails that not even he knew the names of and I really really wanted to know just how he was there and I was there and Hugo Rune was there and all of New York was still standing.

‘It was a dud,’ I said to Hugo Rune. ‘After everything, it failed to explode. You plucked me out of the sky by flying up to me on the Gravitite disc, I understand that, and please please please let me thank you for once more saving my life. But the bomb failed to explode. Thank all goodness for that.’

‘But it did explode,’ said Hugo Rune, ‘and caused much devastation.’

‘I think you will find that it did not,’ I said, ‘for we are both still here.’

‘Ah yes, young Rizla. But then the atomic bomb did not explode here. Nor either did it explode today.’

‘And it will be necessary,’ I said, ‘for you to explain to me just what you mean by that.’

‘You did very well, Rizla,’ said Himself. ‘You did what I hoped you would do and kept their attention on you, rather than me. You see, I had a spare key for the field generator. A gentleman can never carry too many keys, I am sure that you agree.’

‘Go on then,’ I said. ‘Carry on.’

‘I recalibrated the field generator. We already knew that it was capable of transporting matter through time as well as space, did we not?’

‘The count had set it to teleport the Zeppelin to Berlin the moment the bomb was dropped,’ I said. ‘Did it get there?’

‘Not to Berlin, no.’

‘I am intrigued,’ I now said. ‘You have me on the hook. Now reel me in, as it were.’

Hugo Rune smiled. ‘I have had this little newspaper cutting in my wallet for several decades,’ he said, ‘and I never knew until today why I carried it. Here, have a read of it and tell me what you think.’

And the Perfect Master handed me a rather dog-eared and much-folded newspaper cutting and I read from it, aloud.