Robert Rankin - Retromancer

‘I apologise for all that,’ I said. For all that now seemed oh so long ago. ‘I know I behaved badly. Something to do with only being served German lager, was it not?’

‘It was no such thing,’ said Norman. ‘Although…’ And he made a curious face. ‘When I come to think about it, I can’t actually remember what it was about. But whatever it was, I do know that it was all your fault.’

‘Fair enough,’ I said. ‘A packet of Wild Woodbine, please.’

‘Don’t be silly,’ said Norman. ‘You are underage.’

‘I have to get a job today,’ I said, ‘and-’

But-

Norman now fell into laughter.

‘Get a job?’ he went, between mirthful outbursts. ‘You get a job? You lazy, shiftless-’ And he ha-ha-hah’d.

‘It is not funny,’ I said. ‘Well, I suppose it is quite funny-’

But-

The shop doorbell went ping at the entry of a customer.

‘Come back later,’ said Norman to me. ‘I’m busy.’ And he dabbed at his eyes with an undersized plain brown hankie that matched his shopkeeper’s coat. ‘And I have proper customers to serve. Oh dear!’

And I saw Norman ’s face literally cloud over and his mouth fall open and his eyes go all a-goggle in his head.

‘What is the matter with you?’ I asked. But he was staring past me. I turned to see what he was staring at.

And there stood Count Otto Black.

The count wore his spiked Prussian helmet, plumed leather greatcoat and fine riding boots. His beard looked all-over bristly and his eyes seemed lit from within.

In his hand he held a Luger pistol and this he pointed at me.

‘Oh,’ I said. And then, ‘Oh dear. I really thought you were dead.’

‘In Tunguska? With Wotan? With the dreams of a mighty tomorrow?’

‘That tomorrow should never be. That tomorrow was wrong.’

‘Is that him?’ Norman ’s mouth was moving now. ‘Is that the man you were talking about last night? Is that-’

‘Shut up!’ said Count Otto Black.

‘Is it Hugo Rune?’ asked Norman.

‘Hugo Rune?’ Count Otto aimed his Luger at the loquacious young shopkeeper. ‘I will do for that bloated popinjay! But first I will do for you.’ And the Luger swung once more in my direction. ‘You helped to ruin the plans that would have changed the world. You destroyed my future and now I end yours.’

But-

The shop doorbell went ping once more and another person entered.

‘Through to the back,’ hissed Count Otto Black, ‘or I will shoot everyone here.’

‘All right,’ I said. ‘Please do not go shooting any innocent people, I am going, I am going.’

Norman lifted the counter flap and Count Otto Black urged me forwards.

I entered the grim and ill-lit kitchenette, with the count’s Luger pressing most hard at the nape of my neck. The count closed the door behind us and we stood there in the all but darkness. And I could feel my heart beating loudly and horrid blood all pumping in my ears.

‘You have no idea what you have done,’ intoned the count. ‘No idea how large the chaos you have wrought upon this world.’ And he pushed me hard with his pistol.

I took a sort of leap in the dark. And turned to view through the gloom the horrid face of the man who would murder me. ‘I did what was right and Mr Rune did what was right. That future was never meant to be. That future was evil, as you are evil.’

‘Oh what a brave, outspoken boy.’ And the count did evil harrharrings. ‘You understand nothing. Rune and I are linked together, our names on either side of the page slip cut from the book of Life and Death. He cannot kill me and I cannot kill him. But should one cease to be in this world, then so shall the other. And so he and I dance on through history. And he has his foolish acolyte boys such as you who do his bidding, but understand not the balance that exists between he and I. I have put paid to other Rizlas before you. And now I put paid to you.’

‘You will have to speak up a bit,’ I said. ‘I cannot hear you properly.’

‘What?’ cried the count. ‘Are you mad? I tell you that you are going to die and you ask me to speak up a bit?’

‘Well, come forwards a bit, then,’ I said. ‘You might miss if you try to shoot me from there. It is so dark in here.’

‘Insane. You are quite insane.’ And Count Otto Black took a single step forwards-

But-

He did not take a second one.

I heard a kind of horrified gasp. And then I heard nothing more.

I stepped very carefully and switched on the light to the kitchenette. A fly-specked bulb illuminated boxes, bits and bobs and bobbins-

And the Bottomless Pit.

It yawned there where Norman had uncovered it, and I well remembered our former conversation regarding said uncovering. Dark and foreboding it was and endlessly down it went. And I leaned fearfully over its brink and peered into its endless depths.

‘Count Otto,’ I called. ‘Can you hear me?’

But-

Answer came there none. Only the rank smell of brimstone, which I had, of course, noticed when I entered the shop. But had not bothered to comment upon, because, after all, I did know where it came from.

‘Oh yes,’ I said. And I made a fist with my right hand and punched at the air with it. ‘You are gone. Down into the pit. Goodbye to you, oh yes!’

The kitchenette door opened and Norman ’s face peeped in.

‘Oh thank goodness for that,’ he said. ‘I thought you’d both fallen in. It’s the Bottomless Pit, you know, out of the Book of Revelation. I have got great plans for it. Plans that could change the world. Bring about a utopian future-’

But-

I edged my way around the pit and patted Norman ’s shoulder. ‘I have to go and find a job now,’ I said. ‘See you later in The Purple Princess for a beer?’

‘Lunchtime,’ said Norman. ‘The new barman turns a blind eye to underage drinking.’

‘Goodbye, Norman,’ I said to Norman.

‘Goodbye,’ he said to me.

I helped myself to Wild Woodbines and took my leave of the shop. Then I took myself to the Memorial Park and sat down on a bench. I would look for work, I really would, but perhaps this was not the day.

‘I got him,’ I said to myself. As I placed a Wild Woodbine into my mouth and lit up. ‘I got him good, I did.’

And I heard the sound of cackling laughter, which nearly had me wetting myself.

‘You did get him good,’ said an ancient. Who somehow now sat at the far end of the bench. Though I had not seen him arrive.

‘Oh dear,’ I said. ‘You startled me.’ And then I looked hard at this ancient. He was an aged ancient ancient, but with a kindly face.

‘You,’ I said. ‘It is you from the future. The future Hugo Rune.’

‘It is now the Hugo Rune of the now,’ said Hugo Rune of the now.

‘But,’ I said. ‘My Mr Rune. I do not understand. You are so old and-’

‘Done?’

‘Distinguished, I might have said.’

‘But I am done,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘And I am happy for it. My time is past now, Rizla. And you have freed me from a future I had no care for. I am a magician. I have no time for a future which lacks for magic. It is your world now, Rizla. Make of it what you will.’

‘Why are you suddenly old?’ I asked.

‘Because you have freed me from this world. You have destroyed Count Otto Black. He can never return from where you dispatched him to. He is gone for ever. And as my life is linked to his, when he is gone then so am I.’

‘Oh no!’ I cried and tears sprang to my eyes. ‘Then I have killed you. I would have anything other than that. You have been to me the father I never had. I cannot have killed you. Please say that it is not so.’