Robert Rankin - Retromancer

‘Uncle Ted’s Greengrocer’s Shop,’ I said. Suddenly.

‘You are correct!’ said Hugo Rune. ‘But how?’

‘The electrical shop would be about three hundred yards south of The Four Horsemen,’ I said. ‘Uncle Ted’s would be about three hundred north. And yesterday, as I passed it, a pigeon pooed on my hat. Then simply vanished, right above Uncle Ted’s shop. I will just bet Uncle Ted was tinkering with his field generator at the time.’

‘Bravo, Rizla, Bravo. I had him arrested, shortly after I had the new guv’nor of The Four Horsemen arrested. And then I availed myself of the second and surviving field generator. It is presently housed in the conservatory.’

‘Impressive,’ I said. ‘I did not even know this manse had a conservatory. And impressive also, how you recalibrated the field generator to project you into The Purple Princess so you could win the jumping-out competition. Impressive, if a little silly.’

‘There is nothing silly about winning, Rizla. Losing can make you look rather silly. But winning? Never.’

‘But I am a tad confused,’ I said. ‘This device actually projected you? Teleported you? Like the report said that the USS Eldridge was teleported to a shipyard in Norfolk, Virginia?’

‘More than that, Rizla, it projected me into the future. I walked into the electronic field yesterday evening and it projected me into The Purple Princess at eight-thirty this evening.’

‘This was a very dangerous weapon in the hands of the Third Reich,’ I said. ‘I think that, like the Chronovision, I should smash it up.’

‘And I think not. We will hold on to it for now. As far as I am aware, the one in the conservatory is the only remaining prototype. It is the original prototype built here in Brentford by Nikola Tesla. And this contraband, Rizla-’ Mr Rune made encompassing wavings at all the liberated contraband that was stacked against every wall.

And yes, I confess it, I did buffings of my fingernails.

‘Pretty nifty, eh?’ I said. ‘We will be in pop-up toasters for life. Or we can sell the entire job lot to Fangio, if you wish.’

‘Sadly, no.’ And Hugo Rune did shakings of his head. ‘All must be consigned to the flames, young Rizla.’

And this I too did shakings of the head.

‘It must be,’ said Himself. ‘These goods are stolen goods. But that is not the problem. They were stolen from the future. Look at this. What do you make of this?’

He displayed a box with the words SONY MP3 PLAYER printed upon it.

‘Now, I confess that I am baffled by that one,’ I said. ‘I think it might be an electric razor, or possibly a hearing aid.’

‘It will not be invented until the turn of the twenty-first century,’ said the Magus, gravely. ‘Future technology, Rizla. This might well explain how the Reich gained the atomic bomb before the Allies, might it not?’

‘Indeed it might,’ I said. ‘So must we really burn the lot?’

‘I regret that we must. But do not lose heart. You did very well. We have a powerful weapon now, sitting there in my conservatory. And when the time comes for us to use it, we will use it wisely. Well done.’

‘Why, thank you, Mr Rune,’ I said. ‘Thank you very much.’

And we clinked our brandy balloons together and Hugo Rune toasted me.

‘There is only one thing that still puzzles me,’ said the guru’s guru, ‘and that is the matter of the tarot card.’

‘THE SUN?’ I said.

‘THE SUN, indeed. I am still at a loss to understand its significance. You did tell me everything about your adventure, didn’t you, young Rizla?’

‘Ahem,’ went I. ‘Pretty much so,’ I said. And my fingers were crossed as I said this.

‘Really?’ said Hugo Rune. Smiling. ‘Well, isn’t that odd, then? Because I see two possible interpretations of the card. But if you have told me all, then I must discount them.’

‘As a matter of interest,’ I said, ‘what might these two interpretations have been?’

‘Well,’ said the Magus, and he peeped at me through his brandy balloon. ‘The Sun was, in ancient times, worshipped because it was considered to be the father of the Earth. And then, of course, you have the word Sun itself. How easily might such a word be misspelled, or misused? As in son, perhaps.

‘Which would leave us with father and son – would that mean anything to you?’

And Hugo Rune did lookings at me.

And I did lookings at him.

And he winked and I smiled.

And no further words needed saying.

I wondered a lot about all that had happened. And I knew that all was significant. That field generator stood there in Mr Rune’s conservatory and I certainly wondered about that.

Had it, I wondered, somehow been the means by which Mr Rune had transported himself and myself into this age? He had used the word Retromancer to describe himself, [7]hinting that it was through his magic that we had travelled back in time. But that field generator did not look like the product of the nineteen forties. Even though it bristled with valves and copper coils, there was still too much of the future about it. Had it, perhaps, been invented in the future and then found its way into the past?

And I was certainly not comfortable about it just sitting there, amongst the potted aspidistras and late-flowering triffids. Surely the underground network of German spies would soon locate it. Surely Mr Rune’s life would be in danger.

And mine also.

‘Dismantle it,’ I said to Mr Rune. Upon a Bank Holiday Monday in the August of the year. ‘Pack up the pieces and ship them away to various bank vaults, under assumed names, and-’

‘Rizla,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘Do you want that egg?’

‘I certainly do,’ I said, moving my plate beyond his range and shielding it with my fork. ‘But please leave my breakfast out of this. I am very worried about that machine just standing there in the conservatory. What if the manse were attacked? What if the Germans snatched it away? They must be furious about losing it.’

‘Hopping mad,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘My overseas sources inform me that Count Otto Black has had to return one of his Iron Crosses to the Führer.’

‘Was Count Otto in charge of the project, then?’

‘He is their man in Brentford, so to speak.’

‘Perhaps we should just smash it up,’ I said.

‘No, Rizla, no. Its moment will come. Please do believe me on this. Some things are inevitable. Some things will surely happen. For example, if I draw your attention to the barrage balloon that hovers up there-’ And he pointed towards the window.

I followed the direction of his pointing. Observed no such barrage balloon and returned my gaze to my breakfast.

Which now lacked for an egg.

‘You thieving swine,’ I said.

‘Some things are inevitable,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘I was only seeking to prove a point.’ And he dabbed at his mouth with an oversized red gingham napkin.

‘So,’ I said, ‘if today we are to have a special word and that special word is to be “inevitable”, I suppose you are about to read an article in the newspaper that will be the inspiration for a new case. Which in turn will involve a visit to Fangio’s, where we will engage in a conversation that, although appearing irrelevant at the time, will later prove to be of great significance. And also we will revisit Mr McMurdo, who has probably now been relieved of his weight problem, but to such a degree that he floats at ceiling level. Then-’

‘Stop that, Rizla, please. Are you suggesting that there is some kind of formula involved in the way we do business?’

I shrugged and said, ‘Well-’

And Hugo Rune struck me with a sausage. ‘Beastly boy,’ he said. ‘We have but two more cases to deal with here, before we move on.’