Robert Rankin - Retromancer

And I took this opportunity to acquire a pint of Haettenschweiler.

Which did not taste nearly as good as it sounded, which was a bit of a shame.

‘Tell us another of your adventures, Jim,’ called out a tweedy cleric, and the tall spare sailor man thumbed his grizzled chin and said, ‘Well, I’ve many more.’

And then he went on to spin a marvellous yarn about how he had been torpedoed off yet another merchant packet in tropical waters, had been once more the sole survivor and found himself washed up upon a beautiful island where he was captured by cannibals, who later adopted him and later still made him their chief.

And I thought to myself what a very interesting fellow this was and what amazing adventures he had had and how very lucky he had been with the sinking of each boat. And I also thought that if I ever felt the desire to sign on for a voyage upon a merchant packet, I would check the crew list carefully to make sure that his name did not appear on it.

And while I listened I finished my drink and then felt a tap on my shoulder. ‘The case of Kahana is ready,’ said the new guv’nor. ‘Come around behind the bar here and you can take it out through the back door.’

I squeezed between jolly folk, moved behind the bar counter and followed the muscular barlord. And in doing so now found myself in a rear parlour whose contents put Fangio to shame. Here were stacks of boxes labelled as containing electrical appliances. TVs and food mixers, irons and Teasmades and toasters and hi-fis and Hoovers. And there were crates of exotic fruit and veg and casks of ale from foreign parts and something that looked like a treasure chest.

So whistle I did between my teeth because I was very impressed. I have always had this thing about pirates and I actually met some during my adventures with Hugo Rune that are chronicled in The Brightonomicon. And if ever there was a pirate hoard or ever a smugglers’ den, then this was it.

‘Don’t just stand there with your jaw on your navel, boy,’ quoth the brand-new guv’nor. ‘There’s the case of Kahana, with its address on the side. It’s all paid for, so there’ll be no money to collect. And don’t go asking for a tip or I’ll clip your ear if I hear of it. Deliver at the hurry-up, then come straight back for more.’

‘Right,’ I said and I gave a salute, then picked up the case of Kahana. Which looked to be twelve bottles of a tropical liqueur. I struggled under their weight.

The brand-new guv’nor opened the back door then propelled me through the opening upon the toe of his boot. I staggered and floundered but I did not fall. Not while carrying a case of Kahana.

The address on the case was that of a house on the Butts Estate. Which was a bit of a coincidence really, because I just happened to be going that way myself.

To deliver the case of Kahana.

To the house of Mr Hugo Rune.

Because after all, this was black-market contraband. And there was a war on. And that blighter had kicked me quite hard in the bottom.

And so I had won the case of Kahana.

I dropped it off at Mr Rune’s manse and wandered back for more. And so for the rest of the afternoon I went backwards and forwards from The Four Horseman to the house of Hugo Rune, with more and more contraband and an ever-growing smile on my face.

As it was now approaching teatime I thought that I had better return to The Purple Princess and wake up the snoozing Magus. But, I thought, I would pop into The Four Horsemen just the one more time before I did so. In the hope of picking up some wages.

Which I felt was fair as I had worked so hard all afternoon.

I re-entered the saloon bar and waded into the fug. The old piano tinkled and the jocularity and merriment were unabated. This really was a rather good fun sort of an establishment, but I suspected that I would probably not become a regular there myself.

The tall spare seaman seemed now rather drunk and was still holding forth, though the number of listeners had dropped off and more folk seemed interested in the antics of a dwarf who was dancing on top of the piano.

At the bar counter I found not the guv’nor, but rather the guv’nor’s blondie-headed wife. She looked kindly upon me though, then told me to get out.

‘I am the delivery boy,’ I explained. ‘I have been delivering for the new guv’nor for the entire afternoon and now I have come for my wages.’

‘My husband never said anything about this to me,’ she said to me.

I shrugged and smiled as I did so. ‘He said I was to take two pounds out of the cash register,’ I told her.

The lady of the bar room shook her blondie head and then fetched me two crisp oncers from the till.

It was at moments like this, although not that there ever had been any other moments quite like this, but say at a moment such as this, that I really quite wished that I kept a diary. Because then I could have circled the date and written ‘LUCKY DAY’.

I smiled at the blondie lady then I turned away.

And then I heard her say, ‘Oh no you don’t!’

It was not a phrase that I wished to hear and I would have run when I heard it, but the bar was so damn crowded that I had got penned in.

‘You are not going anywhere, young man,’ said the blondie lady and she reached across the bar counter and spun me around. Strong lady.

‘It has all been a terrible mistake,’ I said. ‘A misunderstanding. I am sorry I do not know what came over me.’

‘I don’t know what you are blabbering about,’ said the blondie lady. ‘But my husband did leave a message for you.’

‘Yes?’ I said. And I flinched as I said it.

‘He said you were to deliver one more thing. It is only a small thing, but very important, and the person who needs it awaits it now. He will pay you a pound when you place it into his hands. Do you think you can manage that all right?’

‘Ah,’ I said. And, ‘Yes I can.’

And she reached beneath the bar counter and pulled out a small cardboard box. It had those numbers and symbols that say ‘military’ and something about it that also said ‘component’.

‘It’s a valve,’ she said. ‘And fragile, so don’t drop it. Take it at once.’ And she whispered the name and address where I should take it.

‘And he will give me a pound?’ I said.

‘He will give you a pound.’

And I left The Four Horsemen with a spring in my step and a cardboard box tucked underneath my arm.

Only moments away now from that moment which would change my life.

And still quite blissfully unaware.

I had not gone but a hundred yards when a voice called out, ‘Hold hard.’ I wondered whether I should run, but did not for I recognised the voice.

I turned to see the tall spare sailor man ambling up, a tall spare sailor man who now looked all chipper and not drunk at all.

‘Hold on there, lad,’ he said.

I held my ground and he joined me there and beamed down smiles at me. ‘I’ll have to ask you to part with that box,’ he said.

‘Sorry,’ I said, ‘but I have to deliver it. It would be more than my job is worth to do otherwise.’

‘I will pay you the pound for it.’

‘It is yours.’

He dug into his seaman’s trews and fished about for coins.

‘It is only a valve,’ I said. ‘Nothing of value or interest.’

‘On the contrary. That valve is of major importance.’ He rooted out the coins he had and pressed them into my hand.

‘I do not think that is a full pound,’ I said.

‘I will owe you the rest.’

‘I have never met you before,’ I said. ‘I do not even know your name.’

‘Everybody knows me around here,’ said the tall spare seaman of a fellow. ‘My name is Jimmy. Jimmy Pooley.’