Janet Evanovich: Sizzling Sixteen

Bluttovich looked over at Eugene and Mo. “Is this true?”

“She’s trying to make trouble,” Eugene said.

Bluttovich grunted. “I’ll give her trouble.” He turned away and powered himself to the door. “I’m hungry,” he said. “I want something to eat, and then I’ll deal with these two.”

Bluttovich led the way down the stairs, and Eugene and Mo stumbled after him, closing and locking the tower door. Mooner was still stretched out on the floor, a trickle of blood oozing from a split lip.

“Are you all right?” I asked.

“He’s a scary dude,” Mooner said.

I went back to the window, desperate to see Rangeman in the driveway. I was counting down to the moment when Bluttovich was done eating and the real horror would begin. I was staring so intently, and wanting to see help so badly, I almost missed the movement in the woods to the right. There was no wind, but something was disturbing the undergrowth. Animal, I thought. And then more movement a few feet over. And next thing, the woods were alive with Hobbits. They were everywhere, creeping forward out of the woods onto the grass, inching up to the fortress. I ran around the room, looking out all the windows, and everywhere I looked I saw Hobbits. There were hundreds of them.

“Hobbits!” I yelled to Mooner. “Get up! There are Hobbits out there!”

Mooner got to his feet, and we looked out at the Hobbits. They were up and running now, brandishing golf clubs, baseball bats, and tennis rackets.

“Get the Orcs!” they were yelling, led by Vinnie and Chicaribbit. “Down with the evil Orcs!”

Vinnie was back in his Hobbit clothes, sprinting across the lawn, cape flying, pumping the air with his fist.

Mooner yelled at them from the tower. “Go Hobbits!”

The Hobbits looked up at Mooner and cheered. “Hobbit Ho!” they yelled, and they went into the house like Hobbit SWAT. They hurled themselves through windows and doors.

A cavalcade of black cars and one red Firebird raced up the driveway, and a chopper whirred overhead. Ranger was out of the first car. Morelli followed. They went in through the front door. Guys in FBI jackets poured out of the cars. Local police cars rolled in and parked on the grass.

I heard footsteps on the stairs leading to the tower room, and Mooner and I pressed ourselves flat against the wall, praying it wasn’t going to be Bluttovich who came through the door. The door opened and Chicaribbit burst into the room. She went straight to Mooner and threw her arms around him and kissed him.

“I was so worried, Bungo Goodchild,” she said.

Mooner grinned. “No problemo,” he said. “And I’ve still got my nuts.”

Ranger was next through the door, followed by twenty or thirty Hobbits, who swirled around Mooner and looked out the windows and commented on the woods and how this would make a wonderful Shire.

Ranger cut the plastic cuffs off my hands. “Are you okay?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yes. How did you find us so fast?”

“Vinnie and the Hobbits got to the parking lot just as the van was leaving with you and Mooner. Vinnie had your purse, so they were able to follow the van in the Mercedes.”

“What was Vinnie doing with my purse?”

“He thought you’d have a gun in it. And you did have a gun, but turns out you had something even better. You had car keys and a cell phone.”

“Vinnie called you.”

“Yes. And I called Morelli, and he did his cop thing. Turned out it was easy to organize. The feds have been following Bluttovich for months.”

“Who called the Hobbits?”

“The Hobbits called the Hobbits. They were uncontrollable. The fear was that they would rush the house before Bluttovich got here, and the police wouldn’t be able to charge him with anything.” Ranger grinned. “The truth is, the Hobbits saved the day. They caught Bluttovich by surprise and no one got hurt.”

Lula and Connie came through the door.

“Heart attack,” Lula said. “I’m having a heart attack. How the heck many stairs is that? Give me room. Give me air.” She spotted me and grabbed me and hugged me. “Connie and me were so scared for you.”

Connie joined in the hug. “It’s over,” she said. “They got all the Orcs.”

“We were in communication with Vinnie and the Hobbits right from the beginning,” Lula said. “So we know all about Orcs.”

“They’re the enemy of Hobbits,” Connie said.

“I want to see Bluttovich,” I said to Ranger.

“Babe,” Ranger said.

“Who’s Bluttovich?” Connie wanted to know.

“He’s the bad guy,” I said. “He’s the one who caused all the death and destruction.”

“Count me in,” Lula said. “I want to see him, too.”

We found Bluttovich in the kitchen. He was cuffed, along with Mo, Eugene, the driver, and the other guy who helped with my abduction. Even in cuffs, Bluttovich was frightening, exuding anger like a toxic gas.

“You!” he said, fixing his crazy eyes on me.

I didn’t say anything to Bluttovich. I didn’t have to. I just wanted to see him in cuffs and know I was in the power seat. I felt good.

Lula was behind me. “What’s with the bump on your forehead?” she asked Bluttovich. “It’s big as a baseball.”

Bluttovich glared at Lula and snarled.

“Cripes,” Lula said to Bluttovich. “What the heck’s the matter with you? Where’s your manners?”

“Some guy in a cape called him an Orc and hit him with a bottle,” Eugene said. “We were sitting at the table, eating sandwiches, and next thing, all these Hobbits invaded the house and this one Hobbit rushed at Gregor with a red beer bottle and hit him in the head. And then the Hobbit kissed the bottle, and said it was his precious. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear the Hobbit looked like Vincent Plum.”

Morelli was on the other side of the room, talking to three guys in FBI jackets. They all had pads out, taking notes. Morelli was talking to the FBI guys, but he was looking at me. Our eyes caught and held for a moment, and he smiled.

I LEFT THE gray stone fortress with Lula, Connie, and Vinnie.

“You hit Bluttovich with my lucky bottle, didn’t you?” I said to Vinnie when Lula turned onto River Road.

“Yeah, “Vinnie said. “It was beautiful. We caught them all flat-footed. I saw Bluttovich at the table, and it all came together for me. I saw him at Sunflower’s house the day it burned down. I could have shot him. I had your gun, but I knew the cops were right behind us, so I smacked him in the face with the bottle.”

“So it was a lucky bottle after all,” Lula said.

“It’s not a lucky bottle,” Vinnie said. “It’s Lucky’s bottle. I talked to my mom this morning, and she said it was no secret about the bottle. Lucky was Pip’s guinea pig. Lucky’s ashes are in the bottle. Pip left it to Stephanie because she has a hamster. I guess he figured there was a rodent connection.”

I turned and stared at Vinnie. “All this time I’ve been carrying guinea pig ashes around?”

“Yeah,” Vinnie said. “Isn’t that a kicker?”

“I don’t mean to change the subject,” Lula said. “But we don’t got no bonds agency. What are we supposed to do every day?”

“And I don’t have Lucille,” Vinnie said.

“I bet I could help with that,” Lula said. “Maureen Brown and me are still friends. Suppose I get her to talk to Harry and tell him how it was all a misunderstanding and she wasn’t actually doing the dirty with you. Like, we could say her brother needed bonding out, and you were advising her.”

“Do you think Harry will believe that?” Vinnie asked.

“As a student of human nature, I learned that people believe what they want to believe,” Lula said. “Anyways, if we can get you and Lucille together, and Harry don’t want to kill you no more, maybe we can get him back into the bail bonds business. And if that happens, I want a couch that vibrates.”