Lawrence Sanders - Private Pleasures

I had reached the point in my narrative where Tommy the Termite decides to give up his bachlorhood and ask Lucy to marry him. (I could hardly wait to write the termite wedding scene, that was going to be fun.) Anyway, Tommy goes through a lot of mental and emotional anguish before he decides to pop the question. He's afraid of giving up his independence. He's afraid of losing his freedom.

He's afraid of taking on responsibilities he isn't sure he can handle.

I was afraid of those things, too, and in addition I had the fear of impotence to overcome. It was no use saying the decision was a gamble, take a chance, and what did I have to lose. I had a lot to loseand so did Cherry Noble. Maybe it was because we had spent those years as analyst and analysand that I had little hesitation in talking to her about it. , "First of all," I said, "I want you to know that I realize this isn't wholly my decision to make. I have no idea what your reaction might be, but I know it's just as important or more important than mine. So you'll have your mind to make up after you help me make up mine. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not taking you for granted. I hope you understand that."

"I understand," she said quietly.

It might have been the first day of September but South Florida was still sweltering. I had finally sprung for a new air conditioner, a beast of a machine that could bring the inside temperature down to the point where you could hang fresh hams on the walls.

It wasn't quite that cold, but I kept it chilly enough so that Cherry always brought a light sweater along when she came to visit. We were sitting close to each other, working on a bottle of Frascati, when I started my confession.

I remember very well that the bathroom door was open and the light was on in there. It didn't provide much illumination for the big room, but it was a bright night, a full moon or close to it, and a pearly glow was coming through the windows. It was like being under water, looking up and seeing a wavery translucence, almost hypnotic.

Cherry was paled by that light. It made her eyes seem dark and enormous. I suppose I looked as masked to her, and I thought it odd, because that night I wanted no part of disguises.

"You must know I care for you," I started.

"Care?" she said with a small smile. "That's rather insipid, wouldn't you say, Chas?"

"How about I'm fond of you, " I said. "Is that better?

"Not much."

"You're a tough lady. All right, I like you. Will you buy that?"

"You can do even better," she said. Try."

"First let me tell you what's bothering Tommy the Termite."

I told her about all his fears and the struggle he was going through trying to decide whether or not to propose to Lucy.

"Those are my fears, too," I told Cherry.

The bottle was in a bucket of ice at her feet. She leaned to refill our glasses. The wine looked as colorless as water in the moon t.

"And what does Tommy decide?" she asked.

"That's fiction," I said. "This is us."

"And I thought you had made up your mind," she said mockingly. "After all, you did say you liked me."

"Oh, God!" I burst out. "Care for, fond of, like, have affection for-is there anything I've left out?"

She looked at me. Was she amused or hurt?

"Whatever happened to love?" she said.

"Ah," I said, "the four-letter word. What is it?

Tell me that."

I think she laughed. "Someone once asked Louis Armstrong what jazz was.

He said, Man, if you gotta ask, you'll never know."

"

"At least tell me the symptoms."

"An ache, uncertainty, a hope, longing."

"That's it?

"That's it."

"I may have it," I said.

All right, I was bewildered. You've got to picture me, a grizzled old fart planted in a wheelchair. And there was that slim, elegant woman, brainy, with the greatest legs God ever created. And she wanted me to say I loved her. I knew she did. And I couldn't. You'd say I had been popping stupid pills, wouldn't you?

We stared at each other, and there were so many things unsaid, by me at least.

"This is worse than going into a firefight," I said.

"Is it so painful? I'm not pressuring you, you know. I wouldn't want you to think that."

"I don't think it. All the pressure is coming from meand it's driving me nuts. Give me a clue, doc."

"Chas, you're thinking about it too much, trying to solve your problem by linear reasoning."

"Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?"

"Not in matters of faith. That is determined by emotions.

"Are you telling me love is a faith?"

"That's exactly what I'm telling you. You can analyze the beiesus out of any faith, tear it to tatters with logic and reason. But if it's strong enough, it will survive."

"That's heavy stuff," I said. "You want me to act on what I feel and not on what I think? " She nodded. "Follow your heart and not your head. Is that banal enough for you?"

"Plenty," I told her. "It's what Tommy the Termite does.

He decides to marry the girl, and they live happily ever after."

"Well?" she said. don't scare easy, but I admit I was getting antsy.

What happened was this, Willie and I had a meet with Jessica at her place, and she told us how she had spotted a black Camry driving past her house. But the guy behind the wheel, who Willie claimed was Teddy O an enforcer from Miami, Jess made as John R.

Thompson, who had conned his. way into her home by posing as a property tax appraiser. , and they got no one by that name working for them. So the bastard diddled me. I should have my brain examined."

I was spooked by the story, but Willie didn't lose his cool.

"Let's not panic," he said. "I'm just guessing that Teddy O. is working for Big Bobby Gurk. But it's possible that he's cooking some caper of his own that's got nothing to do with the ZAP pill."

"That's crap," I said, and I told them about Gurk's last visit when he told me he suspected the three of us were planning to dork him.

"Oh, he knows all right," I said bitterly. "And I'm betting he and his bloody playmate are plotting something nasty."

"Shit," Willie said, which surprised me, because usually he talked like a perfect gentleman.

"Hey," Jessica said, "I think right now we could all use a belt.

Chivas for you, Laura, vodka for me, and club soda for you, Willie.

Okay?"

She brought the drinks, and we sat there awhile without speaking. Jess and I were waiting to hear how Brevoort was going to handle these new developments. After all, the whole fucking deal was his idea, and he was supposed to be the ballsy honcho.

"I still think our original scenario is a good one," he said finally.

"But now we'll have to make a few minor adjustments.

First of all, let's move up the schedule and make our move before Bobby Gurk and Teddy O. can hit on us. Suppose we do it on Wednesday, September second, at noon. All right with you ladies?"

Jessica and I nodded.

"And since they may be tailing jess's car and mine, let's switch to your Taurus, Laura. Okay?"

"Sure," I said. "Jess and I can trade cars for the day."

"We'll still use this for our safe house," Willie went on, "because I'm convinced it won't be for more than one day.

Gregory Barrow will hand over the pill after the first phone call, I'm sure of it, he'll be at work in the lab. But now the problem is how do we get Mabel Barrow out of the house on September second? If she's around, it might queer the whole operation."

"That's easy," I said. phone Mabel on Wednesday morning and tell her Hashbeam's Boteek got in some new lingerie that's just right for her. She'll come running, I can practically guarantee it."

"Good," Willie said. "Then I think that takes re of everything. Any questions?" ca "You'll be with me in the Taurus?" Jessica asked him.