Janet Evanovich: Wicked Appetite

“This is a nice family neighborhood,” I said to Diesel. “Doesn’t it make you want to have a baby?”

“No,” Diesel said. “Not at the moment.”

I rolled out of the Lincoln and checked my mailbox. Two pieces of junk mail, my credit card bill, and a letter from an agent. I tore the agent letter open and read it. Short and sweet. No thanks.

“Damn, damn, damn!” I said. “I’ve had it. I’m done. What the heck do you have to do to get published anyway? I bet this guy didn’t even read my proposal. I hate him. I don’t even know him, and I hate him. I hate the whole publishing industry. And I hate this money-pit, broken-down house. I should never have left New York.”

I tore the letter into tiny pieces, threw them on the ground, and jumped up and down on them and kicked them around. I stopped jumping, closed my eyes, and counted to ten.

“Unh!” I said.

I opened my eyes and looked at Diesel. He was smiling.

“Feel better?” he asked me.

“I guess.”

“Did you mean anything you said?”

“No.”

Cat was sitting in the front window, watching us, and he dropped to the floor when we walked in. His tail wasn’t bushy and his single good eye looked intense but not insane, so I thought it was a good bet the house was secure.

“As you can see, I’m fine,” I said to Cat, bending to scratch him behind the ear. “Next time, I’ll pay attention to you.”

“What’s that about?” Diesel asked, heading for the kitchen.

“Cat knew Hatchet was waiting for me, and I ignored his warning.”

Diesel went to the fridge and got a bottle of water. “Hatchet must have been really motivated to get up and out that early in the morning.”

“He’s an odd guy. He’s stuck in this Middle Ages time warp, swearing fealty to Wulf, but underneath it all, I don’t think he has a subservient personality.”

“Underneath it all, he’s probably criminally insane.” Diesel turned the tap on and watched it run hot. “Gwen had a new water heater installed. No charge. She said it was a necessary business expense. She said she remembers what I looked like after chasing down a yak herder who’d gone to the dark side in Tibet, and it wasn’t pretty.”

“How long were you in Tibet?”

“Weeks. It was impossible to find that guy. All yak herders look and smell the same.”

It was hard to imagine Diesel not looking good. The scruffier he got, the sexier he looked.

Diesel gestured to the counter. “I got you a new cell phone. Your number hasn’t changed.”

“Thanks.” I slipped the phone into my pocket and looked Diesel over. “You ever have your sperm count checked out?”

His eyebrows raised a quarter of an inch. “Excuse me?”

“Just wondering. Not everyone’s got good swimmers, you know.”

“I imagine my swimmers are okay.”

“Nice to know, because considering your superior genes, you’d be a terrific baby maker.”

Diesel grinned over at me. “Is that an idle compliment or are you going somewhere with it?”

“I’m thinking it might be a good idea for us to have a baby. In fact, if it works out, we could have lots of babies. Okay, I know we’re supposed to save the world from evil, but I don’t see why we can’t make babies and save the world.”

Diesel stuck his hand out. “Give it to me.”

“What?”

“Melody’s charm.”

“Do you think it’s affecting me?”

The grin turned into a full-on smile. “Yeah.”

I pulled the necklace out of my pocket and gave it to Diesel. “I guess this means you don’t want to make a baby.”

“Rain check,” Diesel said.

I heard the television turn on in the living room, and I stuck my head in to see what was going on. Carl and Cat were on the couch, and Carl was scrolling through the guide.

“Is he a Normal monkey?” I asked Diesel.

Diesel chugged half a bottle of water. “I don’t know. What’s he watching? Lifetime? Disney? Fox?”

“He’s trying to buy porn.”

“Good for him,” Diesel said.

“Don’t encourage him. Maybe you’re not father material after all. Maybe I need to go out and find someone else.” I looked at my watch. “It’s too early to troll the bars. I guess I could try my luck at the mall or a supermarket.”

Diesel finished his water and pitched it into the recycle bin. “You’re not serious.”

“Of course I’m serious. I’m not getting any younger. If I don’t hurry up, all my good eggs will be gone, and I’ll be left with only second-rate eggs.”

“This is even more bizarre than the food obsession and the hanky panky spanky,” Diesel said. “I need to get some distance between you and the charm. I can’t let you see my safe place, because it would put you at risk with Wulf. You’re going to have to stay here. I’ll only be gone a half hour. You have to promise not to go out alone.”

“Sure,” I said. “But then you have to help me with the baby making.”

“Deal.”

Diesel locked the door on his way out, and I joined Carl and Cat on the couch. Carl had given up on adult movies and settled on a ball game. I think baseball on television is like watching grass grow. I was moments away from falling off the couch in a stupor when Glo called.

“I’ve got it. I know this is it,” Glo said. “I found a reverse spell for Shirley.”

“And?”

“And I need you to come take a look at it. Clara isn’t here. She went to the bank. And anyway, I don’t know if she’s a good judge of spells. You’re an Unmentionable. You must sense some of these things.”

“Actually, no.”

“Well, you’re all I’ve got.”

“Can you read it over the phone?”

“No! What if there’s something wrong with it. I could blow a fuse and shut down the entire Northeast grid.”

I hung up and wrote a letter to Diesel explaining the emergency. I taped the letter to the door and told Carl to make sure Diesel saw it. I grabbed my purse, went to the front door, and hesitated. I’d promised Diesel I wouldn’t go off on my own.

“Only one thing to do,” I said to Cat. “You have to come with me.”

Twenty minutes later, we were at the bakery. Glo was waiting with Ripple’s book lying open on the glass case, and her broom was propped against the wall behind her. She was dressed all in black, and she had a shiny gold star stuck to her forehead.

“It’s Cat 7143!” she said. “What a cool surprise.”

Cat jumped onto the glass case and sat back on his haunches so Glo could scratch his neck.

“What’s with the star on your forehead?” I asked her.

“I got the idea when I was at Office Depot yesterday. Clara asked me to stop and get paper for the printer, and I saw these stars. You know, it’s all about accessorizing.”

“That’s so true.”

“And you can’t go wrong with gold.”

“Hardly ever.”

“And I thought they might be magical. You never know about these things.” Glo turned the book so I could see the spell. “This is it,” she said. “Take a look at it, but don’t read it out loud.”

I glanced at the spell and slid the book back to Glo. “It looks okay to me,” I said, “but honestly, I’m not an expert. I didn’t pick up anything wrong with the gobble spell until Shirley turned into a turkey.”

“Here goes,” Glo said. “I’m going to do this long-distance by visualizing Shirley.”

“Do you think that will work?”

“I’ve been reading up on it, and this spell should be a good traveler. Anyway, I’m afraid Shirley will shoot me on sight if I go to her apartment.”

“Good point.”

Glo took a deep breath and followed word for word with her finger. “Magic come, magic go.” She took a small plastic bag half filled with white powder from her pocket and threw a pinch of the powder into the air. “Wizard, witch, pickle pie in your eye.” She threw another pinch into the air. “Cast out all spells on Shirley More.” Glo turned around three times and clapped her hands.