Nicci French - The Memory Game

‘Am I being tested for something?’

‘Don’t think about that. Just answer. Only if you want to, but I think it will be a help.’

‘All right.’

‘I’m going to ask quite a few questions. You can be as brief as you like with your answers. Just yes or no, if you want. Okay?’ Alex clicked his pen and began. After each answer he scribbled a brief note.

‘Are you scared of the dark, Jane?’

‘Yes.’

‘Have you been having bad dreams?’

‘I think so. I’m not very good at remembering them.’

‘Do you ever worry about your body? Are there bits about it that you don’t like?’

‘Yes, of course, but only in the way everybody does.’

This was fun. It reminded me of the personality tests I find irresistible in magazines.

‘Have you ever suffered from gynaecological problems?’

‘I used to get cystitis a lot. I don’t know if that counts.’

‘Headaches? Arthritis?’

‘Not arthritis, but I get headaches quite a lot. I used to suffer from migraines. I got one every Friday after dinner for years. Unless we were going out somewhere. Then it would come on Saturday night instead.’

‘Have you ever avoided looking in mirrors?’

‘Yes, well see answer given above on subject of body.’

‘Have you ever wanted to change your name?’

‘Are you serious? I did change it. I’ve recently toyed with the idea of changing it back, but it’s a bit late now. All those labels and standing orders that would need alteration.’

‘Do you ever wear what might seem like an inappropriate amount of clothing?’

‘I suffer from quite bad circulation so I do sometimes feel cold even when it’s sunny. So, yes, I suppose I do. Is that a crime?’

‘Do you have any phobias?’

‘No. I don’t mind heights, I rather like spiders. Confined spaces are cosy. Now you mention it, I do have an irrational hatred of breakfast cereal and spent much of my boys’ childhood trying to keep it out of the house. And I don’t like Mother’s Day or ploughman’s lunches or anything else that was invented by advertising people.’

‘Any eating disorders?’

‘No.’

‘Ever had a problem with drink or drugs?’

‘No problem at all.’

‘Have you ever obsessively stayed away from them?’

‘Not really. I cut down a bit on drinking in the days before I took finals and that sort of thing. I could never really be bothered with drugs. It was the paraphernalia and the culture that went with them. And I was a bit scared of being arrested. I don’t think I was puritanical about it.’

‘Any examples of compulsive behaviour?’

‘Oh, loads.’

‘Have you ever had a wish to be invisible?’

‘If I did, it was granted for large parts of my marriage. Sorry. The honest answer is that the temptation has never presented itself even as a fantasy.’

‘Have you ever suffered from depression?’

‘Yes.’

‘Low self-esteem?’

‘Oh yes.’

‘Do you ever cry for no reason at all?’

‘That’s almost a philosophical question, but roughly speaking I would say yes to that.’

‘Any suicidal impulses or thoughts?’

‘Not seriously.’

‘Did you ever feel a need to be spotlessly good, or to be the opposite, terribly bad?’

‘I know what you mean. I recognise the feeling.’

‘Have you ever felt that you’re a victim?’

‘Only in my weaker moments. I hope that I’ve never seriously thought of myself as a victim.’

‘Have you ever had a feeling of having possession of a secret? Perhaps with an urge to tell it and a feeling that nobody would believe it if you did?’

‘I’m not sure I understand the question. I don’t think so.’

‘Have you ever taken dangerous risks?’

‘No. I sometimes wish I had.’

‘Have you ever felt an incapacity for taking risks?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you ever daydream?’

‘What did you say? I was miles away. Sorry. Joking. Sometimes, maybe.’

‘Do you feel you’ve ever blocked out a period of your life, especially when you were young?’

‘I don’t know. It’s hard to say. Obviously there are lots of things I don’t remember.’

‘Do you ever worry about being noisy? I mean in experiences such as sex or in social situations or even in the lavatory.’

‘This is getting personal, isn’t it? All right, I’m not embarrassed, I’ll answer. To take them in order. I think I’m quite sexually uninhibited, so I suppose I groan and scream. I’m irritated by people who bray and guffaw at dinner parties and I probably come across as quite restrained in public. I probably attempt to be fairly quiet on the lavatory when there are other people in the vicinity. Don’t most people?’

‘Have you ever felt that sex is dirty?’

‘No, not intrinsically.’

‘Have you ever disliked being touched?’

‘Do you mean sexually?’

‘Not necessarily.’

‘I sometimes dislike it when men paw me but in an unfair sort of way it all depends on the man. There have been occasions when I haven’t wanted sex, and then I’ve said so.’

‘What about by a gynaecologist?’

‘I used to dislike being examined by a male gynaecologist. When I was, oh, in my latish twenties, Claud found me a wonderful woman and I’ve been with her ever since. I’ve no problem at all with Sylvia.’

‘Are you repelled by particular sex acts?’

‘I suppose there are one or two that I don’t especially like.’

‘Are there any you are strongly attracted to?’

‘Oh yes.’

‘Have you ever been compulsively promiscuous?’

‘No. That might have been fun for a bit and I imagine that college would have been the opportunity to experiment a bit with that but I was involved with Claud quite quickly.’

‘Have you ever been compulsively asexual?’

‘No.’

‘Are you ever preoccupied with thoughts about sex?’

‘I don’t know what you mean by preoccupied. I think about it now and then.’

‘Do you have an impulse to be highly in control of your emotions?’

‘I don’t like to be emotionally un controlled.’

‘Do you feel a need to control situations?’

‘Sometimes I try to.’

‘Do you obsessively try to control things that aren’t important?’

‘I can be madly neat or organised sometimes. Compared with Claud I was a real slut.’

‘Do you find it difficult to be happy?’

‘I have felt that about myself.’

‘Do you find it difficult to relax?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you find it difficult to work?’

‘Lately it’s been a bit of a problem.’

‘Do you ever feel you’re crazy?’

‘Yes.’

‘Have you ever invented fantasy worlds? Or fantasy relationships?’

‘Not since I was a girl.’

‘Have you ever felt that you were real and everything else was a sham?’

‘I know what you mean but I can’t honestly say that I have. I’ve always been a bit too boringly rational. I probably felt it when I was little, the way everybody does.’

‘Or vice versa?’

‘You mean that I was a sham? That’s more likely. I still sometimes have the sense that everybody else is a real grown-up and I’m just pretending to be one and that I’m still really a child.’

‘Are you afraid to succeed?’

‘Sometimes.’

‘Do any kinds of food or tastes frighten or disgust you?’

‘No, but I will make the secret confession that deep down I’ve never really cared for sprouts or cauliflower.’

‘Do you ever feel a sense of doom?’

‘Yes.’

Now Alex didn’t speak for a long time but wrote furiously on his notepad, occasionally flicking the pages back. After a painful few minutes he closed it.