Andy McNab - Last Night-Another Soldier…

So Toki did know what it felt like. A thought crossed my mind. 'Why didn't you give him the good news with your pistol?'

Toki half closed his eyes and dropped his chin onto his chest, trying to get the bits of memory back in the correct order. 'We didn't all have pistols then. All I could do was keep head-butting him, but he wouldn't give up. I got my bayonet out and managed to stab him about four or five times in the neck. He died on top of me. I was soaked in his blood. Like you said, it was mostly down to luck. I started to worry that maybe I wouldn't be quite so lucky next time around, and that does your head in after a while. I kept worrying that I might let everyone down, or worse, end up getting one of my mates killed. You know, I still think of that Iraqi now and again, usually when I smell blood or cigarette breath. But you know how I get over that fear?' He leant his giant head forward so he was just an inch away from my face and looked me directly in the eye, waiting for me to ask.

'How?'

Toki's stare remained constant. Only his lips moved as he spoke, stressing every word as if each one was gold dust. 'I say to myself…' He leant into the back of his chair and raised himself to his full height for greater effect. 'I say to myself… Bollocks!'

I leaned back too, confused and disappointed. 'What? That it?'

Toki simply shrugged, raising his hands towards the roof of the tent before letting them fall down at his sides again. 'That's all you need. Look, I'm a soldier, right? And as the saying goes, "You choose your branch, you take your chance." It's not for everyone, but everyone doesn't have to be here, do they?'

I shook my head, but I wasn't really sure I was getting any of this. 'No, suppose not. So?'

'And so, bollocks to it.' Toki looked triumphant, as though he had discovered the mystery of the universe. Then he spoke almost in a whisper, as though he was sharing the biggest secret of them all.

'When I'm out there and it's all kicking off, I reckon I'm probably dead anyway. So anything I do to stop that from happening to me or my mates is a bonus. Do you get it?' He looked towards me eagerly, with a big smile on his face.

It felt like I was talking to some Jedi master out of Star Wars, but I still didn't get it. 'S'pose so,' I said, more to please him than anything else.

He looked a bit disappointed by his Jedi trainee's lack of enthusiasm, so he added a final explanation. 'Listen, I know you won't lose your nerve because you want to stay alive. You've proved that. Plus, you know you've got an even bigger responsibility to keep your mates alive, and I know you would never let them down, would you?'

I hung on to every word, hoping that in the end it would all make sense to me. 'Hope not.' I know I still sounded a bit reluctant, but it was the best I could manage. I gave him a weak smile to show that I really appreciated the effort he was making.

'Listen, you'll be all right.' He smiled back, like he knew it was time to lighten the mood. 'You haven't sent a bluey to your mum this week, so let's see how your writing's improved. Then we'll do a bit of that coursework. Maybe then I'll think about talking to Sergeant MacKenzie for you.'

That was the best news I'd had since our chat began. The rest I needed to think about. Now that we were back on safer territory, I had a sudden brainwave. 'You know what? I think I'll write to my dad instead. It'll be the first time. There's something important he needs to know about. There are gonna be a few words I learnt about today that I can't spell…'

I reached for a bluey from the neat stash of them under Si's bed, and fumbled for the pen in the bottom of my pocket. I began to write, stopping every so often for Toki to check and help me with my spelling. Dear Dad, Hope you are OK. I don't know your postcode but reckon this should get to you OK. Because me and Mum haven't seen you for years, you probably don't know that I'm in the Army now. Well, the bluey gives it away I suppose!

I'm in Afghanistan and I've got about three months left. I'm in the Rifles as it happens, not the Guards. Mum's OK. She just worries a lot. Anyway, Mum told me that when you were in the Falklands, you were on a ship attacked by Argie planes. She said the ship got blown up and lots of your mates got burnt really bad, and some of them died. Maybe why everything went pear-shaped between you and Mum afterwards is because you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Dad, PTSD is something that loads of soldiers get, but the doctors can help you. Just go and see one. Please…

The FOB's loud speaker system sparked up again. 'Standby. Standby. Showers are on, but today, only for an hour. The pumps need a service. End of message.'

Toki picked up John's laptop. 'Leave the letter, Briggsy. We'll finish it off later. Go clean yourself up.'

After showering and changing my shirt as Toki had instructed, I wandered back over to the Medic Centre. Emma still had the Chili Peppers banging out of her speakers when I finally got called in. It was a wonder she was able to concentrate on any kind of medical emergency with those twats warbling in the background. I was more of a Jay-Z man myself.

'Emma! I'm back.'

I was still pissed off with her for telling the lads about my war wound. She might be pretty, but she was definitely a pain in the arse. And I had one of them already!

I decided to go straight into attack mode. 'I can't believe you told 'em.'

She looked puzzled for a moment, as though she wasn't quite sure what I was talking about.

'Hmmm… Did I?… I can't remember…'

She squirted her hands with disinfectant from a bottle and burst into fits of laughter. 'That's what you get for having a go at my music.'

I smiled like I thought it was all a fantastic joke, but I wasn't letting her get away with it that easily. 'That was bad. What about your Hippy oath thing?'

She laughed again. 'I haven't taken an oath, you dickhead. I'm a medic, not a doctor. Besides, you can't blame me. It was just too good to keep to myself.'

I undid my combats and lay on the bench again, carefully pulling my underpants down along with my trousers, so as not to disturb the wound that was trying hard to scab up. I turned my head to one side to watch her as she came over.

'I do blame you. I've been ripped apart all day.'

She showed no pity, though. 'Well, tough. The deed is done. Now, let's have a quick look. How has it been?'

'Fine now, thanks. I reckon it's better.' Then I ruined it by flinching big time as she ripped off the dressing and started prodding me.

'Yeah, right.' She wasn't fooled by my speedy recovery act. 'I can tell it's still painful, but at least there's no weeping. Looks like it's healing well. I'll just give it another quick clean.'

I hoped she was feeling a bit guilty about telling the others, so I made my move. I twisted my head round further to try and make eye contact. 'Can you tell Sergeant MacKenzie I'm good to go, then? It would make up for making me look like a right idiot.'

'Your trouble is, you have no sense of humour.' So far, so good, at least I'd got a smile out of her.

'Yeah, that's right. It's a laugh a minute being known as the man who needs two lots of bog paper.' I looked back down at the plastic floorboards again.

Emma didn't respond. She was too busy doing her cleaning and swabbing stuff. It hurt like hell, but I tried to talk through the pain.

'Talk to Sergeant MacKenzie for me? Please, Emma.'

'We'll see… There. You're done.' And with that, she walked back to the desk and started to write up some medical notes. As I got dressed, I couldn't help but stare at the big black body bag again.

'John.' I hadn't realized I had said his name out loud until she answered.