Andy McNab - Last Night-Another Soldier…

'What about him?'

I didn't even know why I was asking. 'Can I see him? You must have cleaned him up by now.'

Emma's voice was softer, kinder. 'You sure that's what you want?'

I gave a nod. 'Yeah. Quick goodbye before he goes.'

Emma put down her pen and turned off the Chili Peppers. There was a long zip noise as she slowly opened the body bag so just his face was showing. She didn't want me to see the wounds. We both stared at John for a while without speaking. It looked almost like he was sleeping, but his face looked weird. His skin was grey, not sunburnt like it was yesterday. It was Emma who broke the silence. She sounded like she was trying to put a brave face on it.

'Don't worry, he will look a lot cleaner by the time his family gets to see him. They'll put make-up on him and wash his hair. He should get to Kandahar tonight. He'll be back home soon.'

I couldn't find any words. 'Uh-huh,' is all that came out. There was another long pause before Emma spoke again. Her voice was small and less sure than usual. 'First body you've seen?'

'Well, first one of us. Talis don't count, do they?'

'Not good, is it? You all right?'

I swallowed hard. 'Yeah. He doesn't really look like John any more with that skin, does he? Know what I mean?'

She asked me again. 'Sure you're OK?' I could only nod in response.

'Well, I'm not,' she sounded upset as she zipped up the body bag. 'I don't think I can go on looking at dead soldiers much longer.'

That surprised me as I would have thought she'd be used to it. Now there was no holding her back.

'I am TA and this is my third and final tour, Briggsy.' Her voice wavered slightly as she spoke.

'You getting some of those stress symptoms you told me about, then?'

'No. Course not. I'm a paramedic back home. I've seen more blood and guts than you ever will. But you know what? This is different.'

I looked her in the eye and waited to find out why.

'Because I know John. I've known all of them. I know each and every guy stuffed in one of those body bags, and each and every guy who arrives here with an arm or leg blown off. I live with you, eat scoff with you, have a laugh with you, even use the same drums to dump in as you, but you know what?' A tear started to roll down her face and she brushed it away angrily. 'Bring on Glasgow's house fires, car crashes and Saturday night stabbings. If I can't save them, then at least I don't have to be mates with them.'

A helicopter flew over our heads and interrupted her outburst. We both looked up towards the sky, as if we could see through the canvas above us. 'That'll be for John.' Emma went back into medical mode again. 'The rest will be here soon to get you lot back out on the ground.'

The sound of the heli got louder as I opened the tentflap. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I turned just before I made my exit, 'Talk to Sergeant MacKenzie, Emma. Please.'

I went back to the tent and Toki helped me finish the bluey to my dad before evening scoff. There wasn't so much piss-taking now as everyone had the Green Zone on their minds, including me. MacKenzie had given Toki the go-ahead. I was going back out to the Green Zone with the rest of the lads that night.

After scoff, I spent quarter of an hour queuing for the phone. I thought I'd better call Mum again. She'd only get herself in a state otherwise. She sounded OK as soon as she realized it was me. She sounded like the happy, smiling mum off the Oxo adverts, but I wasn't falling for it that easily.

'Mum. Listen, sorry about the call earlier.'

'That's all right.' She was so cheery, she sounded like she was offering me a KitKat. 'I know I get a bit worked up sometimes, David. You know, being on my own and all that.'

I think she was hoping we could leave it there, but I needed to get through to her once and for all. 'Look, Mum, I think we have to have a straight-up talk. I don't blame you for me being in the army. I chose to be here. It's what I want. I like being a soldier. Nobody made me join the army, and the day I don't like it any more, I'll get out. I'm a man now, Mum, I'm proud of myself. You've done a brilliant job. You know that, don't you?'

I heard her sniff then, trying to fight back the tears. Her voice quivered as she spoke. 'I tried so hard. It's just that it felt like you left me cos I didn't do enough for you when you were younger. I wanted to be there but…'

She had it all wrong, as usual. It was nothing to do with that. 'Mum, it's OK, I know. You should be proud of what you have done for me. I am. Listen, everything is good. We're OK, yeah?'

She gave another big sniff and started to recover a little. 'Yeah, course we are.' She gave a little laugh to prove it. I kept going with what I wanted to say. 'That's good, because I got to tell you stuff… I've sent a letter to Dad.'

'Oh, David…' The crying immediately started again.

'Mum, if you can't help him, I've got to. He needs help, Mum. That's why I wrote to him, Mum. You understand?'

Her crying was getting louder now.

'Mum, you OK?'

She pulled herself together then and put her cheery Oxo mum voice back on. 'Yeah, I'm all right. You've always been a good boy. I just miss you. It's not easy being on my own. Sometimes I even miss your dad. Even when he was being a bastard, at least he was here.' She laughed at her own bad joke.

'I know you miss him, Mum. I know.'

She was off down memory lane again now. I'd heard it all before, but funnily enough, I quite liked her going on about how things used to be. Made us sound like a proper family for once.

'We used to love dancing. Disco mad, your dad and I were. He was a right John Travolta.' We both laughed at the image of Dad doing a bit of Saturday Night Fever on the dance floor.

'Bet both of you looked a nightmare in flares and platforms, Mum.'

'We looked fantastic!'

Just then the phone beeps started to go. I spoke in a rush to get the words out in time. 'Mum, card's gonna run out soon. I can't call for the next four or five days, so don't worry or…'

'What's happening? You doing anything dangerous?' The worry was back in her voice again.

'Mum, it's all right. I just have to wait for my new phone card, that's all.'

'I love you.'

'Me too, Mum.' Then the phone line went dead.

As I put down the phone, I suddenly felt very alone. I missed my mum, even though I really did want to be out in Afghanistan. I felt my eyes prickle with tears and decided to stay where I was for a bit to calm down. Didn't want the lads to see me blubbing, did I? They would have even more to take the piss out of. I sniffed loudly, trying to fight back the tears, and hoped that no one could hear me on the other side of the canvas.

I'd been telling everyone I wanted to get back in the Green Zone, but now that I'd got it, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go after all. It just didn't feel exciting any more. To be honest, I wasn't sure I could hack it. It was just luck that I'd got myself out of a drama and killed that Tali. What if I couldn't do it again? Si had really got me thinking and I was pretty scared now. I was hoping Toki was right about me. But what if I ended up letting my mates down when it mattered most?

I quickly wiped my eyes before pulling aside the canvas flap. I had to switch on and get a grip of myself before we started shooting the Taliban once again.

It was about five-thirty in the morning and we had been back out in the Green Zone for over seven hours. It wasn't going well. We had been in major contacts with the Taliban all night long and, in the confusion, lots of us had got split up from our platoons.

MacKenzie had ordered our four-man patrol to move to a new location so he could link up with us, but that was easier said than done. Firstly, it was pitch dark so we couldn't see where we were going. Secondly, during all the fighting, we'd got surrounded by Taliban. They were taking regular pot-shots at us, and judging by the amount of fire coming our way, we were seriously outnumbered.