Todd Strasser - Blood on my hands

A few old chairs, a dented file cabinet, and a desk are all that remain. Everything else is gone.

“They took the old pool table?” I ask. It was such a piece of junk. Balls were always getting stuck in the gullies and the guys were constantly removing one end of the table to reach inside to free them. Finally they built a hinge for the end so they could open it whenever they needed to.

“Everyone’s trying to save money,” Slade says. He swivels his head around, a concerned look on his face. “I don’t know about this, Cal. I mean, maybe you can hide here tonight, but what’re you going to do tomorrow?”

“I have to ask you for another favor,” I tell him.

Slade’s face contorts unhappily. In the dim light I pull open one of the desk drawers, find a torn envelope and a pencil, and start writing a list of the things I need: Black hair dye. Scissors. Makeup. Sharpies. Deodorant. Rubbing alcohol. Cotton balls. Black lipstick and nail polish. Wire cutters. An old pair of Slade’s sister’s jeans, sneakers, and a gray hoodie. Even though Alyssa is five years younger than me, I’m so petite that we’re practically the same size.

I give the list to Slade. With a deep frown, he scans it with the penlight, then sighs loudly and slowly shakes his head. “I don’t know, Cal. I’m not sure I can do this.”

“Please, Slade. I’ll never tell anyone you helped me. If I get caught, I’ll lie. What difference will it make?”

We stand, silent, in the dark. I wish he didn’t have to leave. “Promise me you’ll come back?”

“I promise.”

He starts to leave, then hesitates. I’m hoping he’ll change his mind and stay a little longer, but instead, he takes out his keys and works the penlight free, then gives it to me and goes. Without turning on the lights, he drives out of the parking lot.

For a long time I was untouched by all the typical teen angst about popularity. The reason? My best friend, Jeanie. Each of us was the other’s protector and support system. As long as we had each other, we were immune to the new styles of handbags, boots, and all the other name-brand items deemed the must-haves of the moment.

Jeanie was rebellious and daring and had a resourceful style all her own. I’d spend hours at her house helping her streak her hair bright pink, do crazy things with makeup, draw fake tattoos on her skin using colored Sharpies and rubbing alcohol, undo the seams and hems of clothing and resew them tighter or looser or altogether differently. Often she’d want me to change the color of my hair or try a fake tattoo or alter my clothes, and I’d always laugh and say I didn’t have to because I had enough fun helping her.

But the truth was that I didn’t like to call attention to myself. I was happy to be the sidekick and let her have the spotlight. And that was one of the strange things about the day I met Slade-that even though I preferred to be in Jeanie’s shadow, he only had eyes for me.

Sunday 2:51 A.M.

SITTING ON THE cold floor of the old EMS building, I’m worried about how my mother must be taking the news, but I’m afraid to try to get in touch with her. The police are bound to start watching, listening, tracing. Am I foolish to think I’ll be safe here for the night? This was a place I’d sometimes escape to when the shouting and violent clashes at home between my brother and dad got to be too much. But that was then.

And now?

The old police scanner sits on top of the file cabinet. I push myself up and go over to it, fiddle with the knobs and switches, but the thing is lifeless. I turn away, then have a thought. Reaching behind the cabinet, I feel for the power cord and pull gently. It comes without resistance.

Easing the file cabinet out slightly, I feel along the wall for an outlet and plug the power cord in. It’s only been a few weeks since the EMTs moved out, and maybe the electricity’s still on. The scanner crackles loudly with static and I jump back in fright at the sudden noise. I must have accidentally turned up the volume. I quickly turn it down and look outside, as if the brief burst of sound might bring the police running.

After taking deep breaths and waiting for my heart to stop drumming, I place the scanner on the floor, where the small yellow LCD is less likely to be seen from outside. From the years of hanging around this place, I know most of the police codes and lingo and used to be able to tell-if I listened carefully enough-where every cruiser and bike cop in town was. Now voices crackle on.

Female voice: “Bravo five-eleven, what’s your ten-twenty?”

Male voice: “Bravo five-eleven. Over here on Maple Hill by the house. No sign of suspect.”

Female voice: “Ten-four. Bravo five-thirteen, your ten-twenty?”

Different male voice: “Bravo five-thirteen. On the Post Road, just passing Dunkin’ Donuts.”

Female voice: “Ten-four.”

Third male voice: “Bravo five-seventeen.”

Female voice: “Go ahead, Bravo five-seventeen.”

Third male voice: “I’ve checked around the railroad station. Nothing here.”

Female voice: “Ten-four, Bravo five-seventeen. Chief wants you to go over to the middle school. Look around the back.”

Third male voice: “Ten-four.”

The bravos are patrol cars. Maple Hill is my street. I assume Bravo 511 has been assigned to watch my house. Bravo 513 is patrolling the main street through town, the Post Road. Bravo 517 is now going to look for me behind the middle school.

None of them is anywhere near the EMS building, so that’s good news for now. A yawn reaches up through me. I cover my mouth with my hand and, despite everything that’s happened tonight, I’m tired enough to sleep.

Slade and his dad loved to fish and kept a boat in the harbor. Slade took me fishing a few times, but I didn’t like handling the smelly chunks of bait or the slimy fish we caught. And I especially disliked the way the fish frantically flopped and squirmed before dying in a bucket.

My birthday is June 27, and the day before I turned sixteen, Slade called and told me he’d pick me up the next night and take me out to celebrate. So the next evening I put on makeup and a dress and waited. Slade showed up right on time… wearing old sneakers, stained jeans, and a threadbare shirt with a tear in one elbow.

“Should I change clothes?” I asked, trying to hide my disappointment.

“No, you look great,” Slade said, and ushered me out to the pickup. I couldn’t help noticing that in the back were fishing poles and a cooler.

“Where are we going?” I asked once I was in the pickup.

“Fishing,” he answered.

We’d been dating for two years by then and I knew he was capable of playing practical jokes, so I went along with it. But when he drove to the dock and asked me to carry the poles down to the boat, I really began to wonder.

Soon we were motoring into the Sound, with the orange sun in the western sky, maybe an hour from setting. At one point Slade slowed the boat down and asked me to take the wheel, and I thought maybe then he’d do something to reveal the joke. But all he did was put two lines out to troll, and open two beers. Handing one to me, he said, “Happy birthday!” and took a big gulp.

“Are you serious?” I asked.

“Hell, yeah. It’s your birthday, isn’t it?” he said.

“So… you decided to take me fishing?”

Slade’s face fell. “Don’t you think it’s beautiful out here?”

The water was calm and blue, and the air fresh and clear, so I said yes, it was beautiful.

“Well, I just figured maybe it was time to try fishing again,” he said.

Some girls would have gotten angry, but I just felt confused. After two years, this was how he thought I wanted to spend my birthday? But it was a beautiful evening and we were out on the water, so I decided to make the best of it.