Todd Strasser: Blood on my hands

Cool night air drifts in through the open window. Slade is waiting for my story.

“What about Alex Craft?” Katherine asked one day at lunch. It seemed like the more I resisted her suggestion that I could find a better boyfriend, the more intent she became on proving it.

I rolled my eyes at her. A hush rippled through the other girls at the table. No one else dared roll her eyes at Katherine the Great. But while she might have beheaded another girl for it, Katherine tolerated it from me. Almost as if she knew that the more I needed her approval, the more I had to demonstrate my independence.

“Brianna, go ask Alex if he’d like to go out with Callie,” Katherine said to one of the far-end-of-the-table girls.

“Don’t,” I said, but Brianna was already rising. She was new at school that year, wore her long black hair in a ponytail, and was tall and athletic and played on the girls’ basketball team. But despite her size, she was quiet and unassuming, and sometimes you almost forgot she was there.

As Brianna started across the cafeteria to the table where Alex sat with some friends, I pretended to be embarrassed. But to be honest, I was a little curious. Alex was a major cutie. Not that I would ever go out with him. Everyone knew my heart belonged to Slade. But just the same, all of us watched. All of us, that is, except Katherine. I glanced in her direction and discovered that she was watching me, and that she’d no doubt seen the curious, almost excited, anticipation on my face as I waited to see how Alex would respond. Now instead of faking embarrassment, I truly did feel my cheeks grow hot as I realized that the whole thing had nothing to do with how Alex might answer, and everything to do with how I felt about his being asked.

Sunday 1:36 A.M.

IN THE PICKUP I’ve just finished telling Slade about how Katherine relentlessly worked on me, how it seemed to have become her personal mission to get me to break up with him, how foolishly dazzled I was by the life she was offering, how it got to the point where I felt like I had to choose between her and him. And Katherine was there every day, while he was far away.

“It was just a sick game to her, Slade. Seeing if she could get people to do whatever she wanted them to. And I was scared. I was afraid you’d get called up to active duty and have to go away for years, and I didn’t know how I’d manage to wait that long. Or that you’d be horribly wounded and you’d come back… you know… different.”

I expect him to get angry, but instead, he nods. “Every soldier’s worst nightmare.”

“What is?”

“That he’ll be on the other side of the world, fighting a war that makes no sense, risking his life for his country, and the girl he’s left behind won’t be there for him when he comes back.”

I stare into the darkness. “I heard your unit was called up.”

“Yeah, but I’m not going.”

“How?”

He pats his right knee. “Separation without benefits.”

“What’s that?”

“A week ago the medical review board DQ’d me. I’m not in the Guard anymore.”

Then he won’t be sent overseas! “That’s great! It’s fantastic!”

He just nods, tilts his head back against the headrest, and closes his eyes. Despite everything that’s going on, all I’ve wanted to do since I got into the truck is kiss his cheek, feel his arms around me. I reach over and touch his shoulder.

“Don’t!” Slade’s eyes burst open. His sudden gruffness startles me and I jerk back, surprised. “It’s too late!” he snaps. “I mean, you can’t just say you’re sorry!” He closes his eyes again and presses his forehead into his palm.

The force of his unexpected anger practically hurls me against the passenger-side door. The shock alone might have been enough to cause tears, but that’s coupled with everything else that’s happened, and they burst forth freely after his abrupt rejection. I don’t think he’s ever lost his temper with me before.

He sits with his hands tight on the steering wheel while I wipe away the tears. “But all I can do is say I’m sorry,” I reply with a sniff. “I am, really. I still can’t believe I did it. It’s like I was under some kind of spell.”

“Some other guy’s spell,” he mutters bitterly.

The words strike like a slap. “What?”

“You know.” He doesn’t look at me.

As if I’ve not already faced enough injustice for one night, now this? Indignation billows inside me. “That’s so untrue! Oh my God! Who told you that?”

“Someone.”

“Someone who lied. There was no one else! Ever! Not even for a second. I swear to you. Slade, you have to believe me.”

He’s silent. I wonder if he’s weighing my words against the lie someone told him. But who would have lied to him? And why? “So who was I supposed to be seeing?”

“She didn’t say.”

So it’s a she who told him. “She never said who this other guy was supposed to be?”

Slade’s quiet again. Who do I know who would be capable of telling such a terrible, harmful untruth?

Katherine. Who else?

One of the far-end-of-the-table girls, Kirsten, had a mother who got us tickets to see an off-Broadway matinee called The Children’s Hour, which wasn’t anything like the title implied. Katherine and Dakota were speaking to each other again and it would be them, Zelda, Jodie, Kirsten, and me. We’d take the train to the city. Afterward Zelda’s father would take us someplace to eat.

I assumed everyone was going to get dressed up for the trip. I had money from scooping ice cream and babysitting that I’d been saving for a better phone, but that could wait. I borrowed the car and went to the mall. It’s embarrassing to be seventeen and still shopping for clothes in the children’s department, but I managed to find a pretty green dress and shoes with heels. I used up almost all the money I’d saved.

We met on the train platform and I was shocked. The other girls were wearing jeans, as if going to the city for a show and dinner was no big deal. And I guess for them it wasn’t. For a moment I felt awful. Like a real country hick who thought she had to get all fancied up for the trip to the big city. But Katherine and the other girls all rallied around me, saying how pretty I looked, how jealous they were, and how they now wished that they’d dressed up, too.

By then the train was coming and there was no time for me to go back home and change. And even though I still felt uncomfortable and out of place, I told myself that I’d done nothing wrong and there was no reason I couldn’t still enjoy the outing.

We went to the show and afterward, thanks to Zelda’s dad, there was a long black limo waiting for us. Everyone on the sidewalk stared as the driver held the door and we got in and rode to Whimsy, which was this incredible old-fashioned restaurant that served sliders and little plates of fries, followed by huge ice-cream sundaes with every topping imaginable.

It was one of the best days ever, and all the girls, including Katherine, were super nice. Then, on the train going home, I thought about how hard it would be to go back to my house, back to my depressed mom and broken dad, and to scooping ice cream every day once school ended and babysitting bratty kids most evenings. And how Slade would be going away and the only fun I could imagine having that summer would be with Katherine and her friends. I looked at Katherine, maybe expecting to see her smile and nod as if she knew what I was thinking. But she was talking to Zelda and not even looking at me. And I realized… this time she didn’t have to look at me to know.

Sunday 1:47 A.M.