Tess Evans - Book of Lost Threads

‘Now,’ he said, as they sat down. ‘What can I do for you, love?’

Moss nibbled at her sandwich. ‘I suppose you know that I had this silly fight with Linsey, and we weren’t speaking when she died.’ She corrected herself. ‘No, that’s not fair. I wasn’t speaking to her . For all I know, she might have been waiting for me to come to my senses.’

Robert looked at Moss, whose eyes were lowered. Poor little bugger . ‘As far as I understand,’ he said, choosing his words carefully, ‘you were upset about the, ah… conditions that brought about your birth. Would that be fair to say?’

Moss nodded without looking up.

‘Well,’ Robert continued, ‘Linsey confided in me a bit. Probably more in Flissy, her being a woman and all, but I do know she wanted a child badly enough to go to all sorts of trouble to have one. I also know that she loved you from the moment you were born to the day she died.’ He sipped his coffee. ‘She was never an easy woman to get on with. I’m her brother and I know, believe me. She was a fierce little thing when we were kids. Used to insist that Mum cut her sandwiches a certain way-triangles, no crusts. Her schoolbag had to be packed in a certain order… That sort of thing. Even though I was a few years older, I was always a bit scared of her. But I’ll tell you this, Mir-Moss. When she loved someone, it was the real deal. Nothing you could have done would have changed the fact that she loved you.’

‘Then, if she wanted a child so much, why didn’t she adopt me?’ Moss had planned to ask composed and intelligent questions, and now here she was, whining like a child. She frowned, and lowered the pitch of her voice. ‘I would have thought,’ she said, gathering the shreds of her dignity, ‘that adoption would have been prudent under the circumstances.’

‘She did mention it at one point,’ he said slowly. ‘Her reasons for not going ahead were complicated. For a start, you already had a legal mother. The law in those days was a bit murky, and she was afraid you’d become a target of the tabloids if they dragged it through the courts. Lesbian Couple in Child Adoption Bid . You can imagine the sort of thing.’ Moss acknowledged this with a slight inclination of her head. ‘Then there was her relationship with Amy. She truly believed-against all the evidence, as far as I can see-that they’d be together till death do us part , if you know what I mean. She couldn’t imagine her status changing. Flissy told me once that Linsey wanted to be your godmother so that she could have some public connection with you. She never believed in God, so why else would she have had you christened?’

Moss was still unconvinced. ‘What if something had happened to Amy? Where would I have ended up? In care?’

‘As far as I know, Amy provided for that in her will. She named Linsey as sole guardian. I don’t think that was ever changed. Their separation was reasonably harmonious.’ He grinned painfully. ‘And I know what an inharmonious separation looks like. I’m telling you the truth, Moss.’

‘I rejected her in the end, though, didn’t I?’ Even as she said it, Moss knew that rejection had taken place years before, at a school parents’ night. ‘Her loving me makes it even worse.’

‘Young people do that sort of thing all the time. Don’t let the fact that you had two mothers complicate what was no more nor less than a family row. Cal wouldn’t speak to me for months after Trish and I broke up. I simply waited, then one night he rang and asked me out for a drink. Just like that. We get on fine now by agreeing not to discuss certain matters.’

‘I didn’t have the luxury of a healing time,’ Moss responded, blinking hard. ‘I said some pretty harsh things. And it’s too late now to do anything about it.’ Having two mothers was an issue , she thought bitterly. I turned my mother into my aunt and expected her to still be there when I was ready.

Robert continued as though she hadn’t spoken. ‘You know what she said to me? Poor Miranda. I hope she returns to her music. It gives her so much pleasure. Note she didn’t say that it gave her pleasure-although it did. She was concerned for you . She was a mature adult, Moss, and you were barely out of your teens. I’m sure she knew in her heart that she only had to wait.’

‘Thank you, Uncle Rob. I just wish that it hadn’t taken her death to make me understand.’

Even though it clarified some issues, Moss’s meeting with Robert did little to relieve her pain. She could accept that Linsey’s decision regarding adoption was not a rejection. But there was an ambivalence inherent in that understanding. If she could continue to believe that Linsey had rejected her then her subsequent rejection of Linsey was to some degree justified. Now she’d been assured of Linsey’s love, her own actions were even more open to censure. Not only had she denied her mother in public, but their last meeting was a source of pain for one and shame for the other. Moss’s words had been cruel, and she would never have the opportunity to withdraw them. Even worse, each word had been calculated; she knew at the time the intensity of the pain they would engender.

‘I used to hear them arguing sometimes. Or at least Linsey would argue,’ she told Finn later that day. ‘Afterwards Amy would simply go about her business, cold and polite, and there was Linsey, literally shrouded in misery. Eventually she’d apologise, just to see Amy smile at her again. I used to believe that Amy was the one person who could bring her undone. But I know now that I hurt her much more. She left because she couldn’t keep hiding how much I was hurting her, and so she… so she wouldn’t embarrass me.’ There. She’d finally said the unsayable and looked at Finn, her eyes dark with misery.

Finn rubbed his chin. ‘I don’t know much about it, Moss, but it seems to me that the relationship between lovers is different from the parent-child situation. With a child, people seem to be able to forgive almost anything. It’s part and parcel of loving them, I suppose.’ He was struggling here. Guessing.

‘In the end, people seem more able to forgive their children than their lovers.’

‘You’re probably right,’ Moss replied, ‘but it’s much harder to forgive yourself.’

Finn nodded. He, of all people, understood the truth of that.

IN THE FIVE WEEKS SINCE the memorial service Moss had done very little. She nursed her grief and churned over her last conversation with Linsey until her nerves were frayed and she snapped irritably at the mildest of Amy’s comments. She could have been kinder to Linsey while still making her point, she mourned. She could have simply accepted the circumstances of her conception and kept a sense of proportion. She could have let Linsey stew for a while and then offered her forgiveness. But forgiveness for what? For being her mother? For loving her? Her head ached, and she either ate feverishly or picked at her food.

‘For goodness’ sake,’ Amy said. ‘You have to get out of the house. You can’t brood like this forever.’ This elicited a sharp retort and more tears.

‘Why don’t you see about re-enrolling in your course?’ Amy said at last. ‘It’s certainly what Linsey would’ve wanted.’

So Moss made a desultory effort to re-enrol for the following year and was mildly flattered by Dr Cuicci’s response to her enquiries.

‘Talent like yours should not go to waste.’ Dr Cuicci frowned. ‘But to succeed at the highest level you need more than talent. You also need discipline and an iron will. Do you have those qualities, Miranda?’