David Baldacci - Fries Alive

“Dad,” she said, “how can we possibly serve hundreds of people for lunch?”

“We’ll manage somehow,” said her father.

“Uh, Dad,” said Freddy. “I found some people to take the Guacamole Brothers’ place.”

“What! Who?”

“Some friends of mine.”

His sister said, “I didn’t think you had any, except for that cheese cube nerd, Howie Kapowie.”

“Where are they?” asked Alfred.

“Here we are,” boomed out a voice.

They looked over and saw the five – six if you counted heads – bodies coming toward them.

“They’re dressed as fries,” said Nancy.

“That’s right. They’re wearing the Guacamole Brothers’ costumes,” explained Freddy. “Well, with a few modifications.”

The Fries stopped in front of them. They each were dressed as regular-looking French fries with zippers down the back. Wally was squeezed so tightly into his that it looked like it might burst open any second.

Nancy looked at Si and Meese closely. Their costume had been modified to allow for the two heads.

“You have two heads,” said Nancy.

“Duh, they’re Siamese twins, Nanny Boo-Boo,” said her brother.

Si said, “Or as we like to say, conjoined.”

Alfred was looking at Theodore, who had put his glasses and bowtie on the outside of his costume. Freddy suddenly remembered that the glasses and bowtie used to belong to his father. Alfred rubbed his sharp chin while Freddy and the Fries held their collective breaths. Finally he said, “Freddy, they’re perfectly perfect. I’ve never seen better specimens. They must be very special fries.”

“Oh, they are, Dad, they are,” answered Freddy, letting out a sigh of relief.

“Well, thank you,” said Alfred. “Now I guess we better get to work.”

When the lunch crowd started piling in, the Funkhousers could only stare at the masses for a few minutes.

“Wow,” said Freddy, “so this is what it’s like to have customers.”

Alfred looked a little intimidated with all the hustle and bustle, but then he rubbed his sharp chin and said, “Okay, let’s serve these people some good food for a change.”

The Fries plunged right in, cooking food, carting dishes, and serving the customers.

One little boy tugged on Wally’s arm.

“Hey, mister,” he said. “You’re the biggest fry I’ve ever seen.”

Wally got down on one knee and patted the kid on the head. “I’m what they call super size, little dude. Put her there.” They high-fived.

The little boy held up a French fry. “Want one?”

Wally recoiled back. “Sorry, little dude, I can’t eat my own kind.”

As Wally was walking back to the kitchen, Ziggy stopped him.

“Are you all right, Wally? You don’t look so good.”

“I can’t believe it, little dude.”

“Can’t believe what?”

“I just turned down food.”

Later, the Fries performed for the crowd. Using Theodore as a bat, Wally would hit Ziggy up in the air and Curly would run and catch him. The crowd roared. Si and Meese were also a big hit. Si would laugh really loudly whenever someone tickled him, while Meese would bawl on cue.

Freddy watched and laughed along with everyone else. But then he stopped laughing. Coming in the door was Adam and his gang. And with them was Chief Spanker, dressed in his police uniform now, along with Judge Thackery, a reporter, and photographer from the Pookesville Tattler newspaper.

Adam walked very confidently over to Freddy. Alfred Funkhouser came out from the kitchen. Nancy watched from the corner, her arms folded over her chest while all the Fries gathered together and looked on nervously.

“Okay, Funkhouser,” called out Chief Spanker. “We’re here to arrest you.”

“Arrest me? For what?”

Everyone in the Burger Castle stopped eating to listen.

Judge Thackery stepped forward. “I’m sorry, Alfred, I’m sure this is really all sour grapes on Spanker’s part, but Adam claims that your son and his friends shot them with giant fruits and vegetables while flying through the air, made their legs turn to jelly, and had them chased by monsters. And lastly, they were stuck to the wall with smelly, stinky stuff.”

All the customers started laughing at this. Adam would have turned beet red if he weren’t already a stinky orange.

The Judge continued, “Now it wasn’t just Adam. All the boys here said the same thing. They saw monsters.”

“Monsters?” repeated Alfred. “We don’t have any monsters on our farm, do we, Freddy?”

“I’ve never seen any monsters on our farm,” said Freddy, “Except for Adam last night.”

Adam lunged forward. “Why you little -”

Judge Thackery grabbed him. “Now we’ll have none of that, Spanker.”

“Judge, I don’t know what to tell you,” said Alfred. “But we don’t have any monsters.”

Adam was looking at the Fries and pointed a fat finger at Wally. “There’s the monster, right there.”

Everyone looked at Wally.

“See, he’s a French fry,” said Adam excitedly. “And so are the rest of them,” he added, pointing at the other Fries.

“Good grief, they’re in costume,” exclaimed Freddy.

“I’m telling you that these are the monsters I saw last night!” yelled Adam.

“These are Freddy’s friends who came to help us at the Burger Castle today,” said Alfred. “There’s not a monster in the bunch.”

“Well, there’s an easy enough way to resolve this,” said Judge Thackery. He pointed at the Fries. “Fellows, go ahead and unzip your costumes and show everyone that you’re not monsters.”

The Fries looked at one another. Nancy Funkhouser kept her arms folded over her chest and watched closely.

“Come on, fellows,” prompted the Judge.

“Right, go ahead, fellows. It’s okay,” said Alfred, “we have nothing to hide.”

The Fries still made no move to take off their costumes.

Nancy went over to Freddy and whispered fiercely, “Congratulations, you idiot. We’ll lose the Burger Castle, dad will go to jail, and we’ll be out on the street.”

“Shut up!” whispered Freddy fiercely. But he turned to the Fries with a defeated expression. “It’s all right, guys, take off your costumes.”

The Fries looked at one another and shrugged. Ziggy went first, unzipping his fry costume. When it hit the floor Adam shouted, “See!” And then he froze.

Ziggy stepped out of his costume and came forward. He had pale skin and dark black hair fashioned in a pompadour. He wore jeans, a plaid shirt, and tennis shoes.

Theodore undressed next and stepped forward. He wore a college sweater, khaki pants, and suede shoes. His hair was long and blond and he still wore his glasses. His skin was even paler than Ziggy’s.

After that it was Curly’s turn. He wore a bulky football jersey, his ball cap, sweatpants, and high-top basketball shoes. His skin was pale too, but with a greenish tinge.

“He has a cold,” explained Freddy.

Next, Si and Meese came out of their costume. They both had blonde hair and wore an orange jumpsuit and work boots. Their skin was very tanned.

“They work outside a lot,” said Freddy.

“It has two heads,” exclaimed Chief Spanker.

“They’re Siamese twins, Spanker,” said the judge angrily.

“Or ‘conjoined,’ as we like to say,” Si commented.

Finally, big Wally took off his costume. Everyone gasped. Wally was wearing a long-sleeved flowered cotton dress that, fortunately, went down to his ankles. He had big red hair, huge eyelashes, and his feet were mashed into high heels.