David Baldacci - Fries Alive

He and the kids spent the next year fixing it up, complete with working drawbridge, a Vroom shake moat encircling it, and painted pickle chips hugging the turrets. No other restaurant in America looked quite like the Burger Castle. Freddy loved it. And yet almost no one ever came to eat there unless it was by accident.

But the project he was now working on for the Burger Castle float would change all that. He looked at the sign again. On either side of the words “Burger” and “Castle” were big French fries. In his secret lab, Freddy had constructed giant Fries using his father’s super-secret potatoes. Then he gave them faces, painted them fun colors, and rigged them with wires and a small battery so that with a press of a button they would wave their hands and bob their heads while they were on the float. He had even thought of a way, using a loudspeaker and an electronic gizmo he’d built, to make the Fries appear to be talking. They would tell everyone to come to the Burger Castle. With the addition of the talking Fries, and some other things Freddy was working on, he thought they would be a lock to win the float competition.

Freddy’s dream was to become a famous scientist, like his father had been. Alfred Funkhouser had worked for the U.S. Government and won lots of awards for his work. But after Freddy’s mother passed away when Freddy was three years old, his father left his job and moved them to the farm so he could spend more time with his children. Freddy believed that his father should still be a big-shot scientist in Washington, D.C., but if his father couldn’t be, then Freddy would do it for him.

Freddy looked over at Patty Cakes again, and then at the big warehouse that the Spankers owned next to their restaurant. Even from here Freddy could hear the sounds of machinery, sawing, and hammering. He watched as a big forklift carried a large wooden thing into the warehouse. Curious, Freddy slipped off his chicken costume and sneaked across the street to the warehouse.

A side door to the building was slightly ajar, so Freddy peered in. What he saw made his heart sink. In the middle of the warehouse it looked like they were building a replica of the Patty Cakes. Dozens of workers were hammering, nailing, painting, and sawing. The thing that Freddy had seen the forklift bring in was part of the Ferris wheel. It was now being lowered onto one end of the float. For that’s what this was, Freddy was convinced: the Patty Cake float for the Founders’ Day parade.

In a far corner Freddy saw Stewie Spanker, the owner of Patty Cakes, and also the town of Pookesville’s police chief and mayor, talking with a well-dressed, short, blond-haired man with a skinny mustache whom Freddy had never seen before. They were going over what looked to be plans for the float.

A depressed Freddy walked back to the Burger Castle and put his chicken costume on. They didn’t have a chance against the Spanker float. All the work he’d done was worthless. Colorful Fries that smiled and bobbed their heads and said stupid things? Who cared?

SPLAT!

“Ow!” Freddy cried out, and grabbed his arm that had just turned red. He looked over and paled.

Coming across the drawbridge was Adam Spanker and his gang of bullies. They had their fancy paintball guns and wore Army helmets and camouflage uniforms and big black boots.

Adam Spanker had been Freddy’s worst nightmare for years. One of his legs was larger than Freddy’s chest. His stomach was so big that it was rumored he had actually swallowed a whole person. His hair was cut so short he looked bald. Some kids at school said Adam’s mother was a witch who had taken all his hair when he was born and used it to make poisons. Other kids said that Adam had green blood – a sure sign of a monster.

“Cluck-cluck, Funky Funkhouser!” roared Adam Spanker.

Freddy’s teeth chattered uncontrollably. “Yo… you’re… you’re tre… tress… tresspa… passing,” said Freddy.

“We… we… we’re tre… tre… tresspa… trespassing?” mimicked Adam. “Well, I just saw you poking around our place, Funky.”

“I wasn’t doing anything.”

“Yeah, right.” Adam looked slyly at his gang. “Well, boys, now that we’re here, we might as well go into the old burger dump.”

“But you never buy anything. And I… I… think…” Freddy stopped.

“Just spit it out, you little nerd,” bellowed Adam.

Freddy swallowed a big lump in his throat and said quickly, “I think you’re just coming here to engage in clandestine operations with a subversive purpose.”

Adam looked totally confused until one of his gang whispered in his ear.

Adam marched up to Freddy towering over him. “Are you calling me a spy?” he snarled.

Freddy looked around at all the big kids with paint guns staring at him, and his teeny bit of courage melted right away and into the Vroom shake moat. “Well, yes, I mean, no, I, uh, I mean, uh -”

“You got something you want to say to me, say it man to man, Funky,” yelled Spanker, his big hands balled into fists.

Freddy desperately wanted to be brave and stand up to Adam, and he would have, except he was scared to death. “Uh, I… I said… cluck-cluck, welcome to the Burger Castle.”

Adam pointed his paintball gun at Freddy. “Welcome to the Burger Castle what?”

“Uh, welcome to the Burger Castle… Mr. Spanker?”

“That’s better. Come on, men, let’s check out the burger dump.” As he passed by Freddy, Spanker shot out a big, doughy hand and pushed Freddy into the moat. The gang roared with laughter and then swarmed into the Burger Castle.

Freddy swam to the side of the moat and got out. He wrung his chicken feathers dry and hurried into the Burger Castle to see what the Spanker gang was up to. Turns out they were up to a lot.

“Stop that right now!” yelled Nancy before she was hit in the face by a blue paint splotch. She raised both her hands up and said in a loud, deep voice, “Whosoever shall smite me with another blow shall reap the unstoppable force of all that is good and right.”

Then she was smote with a purple paint splotch right in the nose and dove behind the sales counter screaming, “I shall live to fight another day!”

The Guacamole Brothers had scattered when the Spanker gang had attacked. On their way out the back door they yelled in unison, “We quit!”

Alfred rolled out of the back in his tomato costume and said, “Now, you boys stop that right now or I’ll be forced to call the chief of police.”

Adam shot Alfred in the butt with a green paint splotch.

“Go ahead and call him,” crowed Adam. “My Dad’s right across the street at our warehouse. I’m sure he’ll be right over.”

Freddy snuck in the side door and started edging toward Adam. Right before he reached him Adam whirled around and drilled him with a shot. Freddy went flying backward, pink paint all over his beak.

Adam and his gang stood triumphantly over their fallen foes. “Look, Funkies,” he said, “If I were you I’d just pack up and leave town. Nobody comes to your crummy burger dump and nobody comes to the crummy farm you live on. There’s only room for one burger restaurant in this town. And that’s the Patty Cakes.”

“Oh yeah?” said Nancy. “Just wait until we win the float competition at the Founders’ Day parade. Then we’ll see who’s number one.”

Adam laughed. “We’ve won it five years in a row, and there’s nothing stopping us from number six. So the day you win the float competition is the day I turn fat and ugly.”

“Gee,” said Nancy as she poked her head over the sales counter where she was hiding. “Why don’t you just declare us the winner then?”