Dave Zeltserman - Small crimes

The attendance was better than at Kelley's the night before, the church about three-quarters filled. Minister Charles Thayer was standing behind the pulpit announcing news about different members of the congregation. I took an empty seat in the last pew. One of his eyebrows rose as he recognized me.

I noticed Phil sitting in the front with Clara, and his younger daughter, Megan. Clara had makeup caked on, but even so, dark purple bruises stood out along the side of her face. Somehow Phil sensed that I was there. He glanced back at me quickly, his expression completely blank. Other members of the congregation started to look back at me, some of them glaring openly. I guess Thayer decided to address the situation. He made an announcement welcoming me, stating that while I had committed a terrible crime I had confessed freely in open court, and if God could forgive and love a repentant sinner, so could my neighbors. There was some mumbling after that, but there was also head-nodding. Phil Coakley sat stone faced. I could see Clara squeezing his hand. I could see Megan fighting back tears. After that I only half heard what Thayer had to say. I was too busy watching Phil, trying to make up my mind about something.

When Toni had leaked out her secret about Phil it got me thinking about how I could use it. Now I had an idea worked out. Nobody would end up dead from it, nobody would even get badly hurt. It wouldn't solve my current problem, but it would buy me some time, maybe a week, maybe longer. And maybe given the extra time my problem would resolve itself. Who knows how much longer Manny really had? Maybe he had a month or two like the doctors were telling him, but with some luck maybe he only had a week or less. If I could keep finding ways to buy myself time I had a chance of getting out of this mess without having to kill anyone.

What troubled me about my idea was that while no one would get physically hurt, it would end up humiliating Phil, and would also damage and possibly even destroy his career. From the hints Toni had dropped I had a pretty good idea who Phil was seeing. Better than even money it was the redhead, Susie. I didn't know for sure, but I had a pretty good feeling that's who it was. With Muscle-shirt strutting about there was no way she could entertain anyone in one of the back rooms at Kelley's. She'd have to meet Phil in a motel. Also, I know it's kind of a cliche saying this about a stripper (and more times than not it turns out to be the exact opposite), but she seemed like a genuinely sweet girl. I could see her looking on it as an act of mercy. But still, if Phil and she were caught in a motel room and a morals charge was brought against him, it would sideline him, and maybe for a good deal longer than a week. I was still trying to make up my mind when Thayer's sermon ended. People started to mill out of the church, a few of them nodding to me as they went by.

As I got up to leave, I heard Thayer call my name. He was walking briskly to catch up to me, a broad smile on his round red face.

'I was glad to see you here today, Joe,' he said as he took my hand with both of his. 'Thank you, Reverend.'

'I hope this is going to be a weekly occurrence?'

'I hope so.'

'Good, good.' His eyes moistened as he gave my hand a couple of friendly pats. 'I am so glad for this change of heart in you, Joe. Remember, in the eyes of God, we're all sinners. But for the truly repentant, it's never too late for redemption. Remember that. I'll be looking for you here next week. And hopefully your parents also. If you could, tell them for me, we've missed them here.'

He let go of my hand and gave me a warm pat on the back before turning to talk to one of the other members of his flock. I knew I wouldn't be seeing him again. At least not in church.

When I got to my car I found Phil leaning against it. The way the sunlight hit his face made it look like some crazy grotesque quilt that had been stitched together with red and blue thread. As I approached him, he showed me a little smile.

'I can't help wondering what con you're trying to pull, Joe,' he said.

'What do you mean?'

'Why you would bother showing up at church? Because, Joe, you're about as repentant as a rabid dog.’

'And why's that?'

He shook his head sadly, still smiling. 'If you were truly repentant you'd confess to all your crimes, not just the one you were caught red handed in.'

'I don't know what you're talking about.'

'Of course you do. Before you set fire to the documents that I had collected, I was building a case against you for money you had stolen from the evidence room. There were a number of thefts and burglaries along the way, weren't there, Joe? And maybe worse crimes than that?'

He stopped, his eyes narrowing as he studied me. I saw a brightness flash in his eyes and then a crazy smile twisting his lips. Before I realized what was happening, he jumped forward and grabbed me, trying to pin my arms behind me. A few of the churchgoers stopped to gawk at us. More started to come over. Thayer wandered over, a look of bewilderment spoiling his round red face.

The last thing I wanted to do was scuffle with Phil in the church parking lot. I let him pin my arms back. 'Let go of me,' I said, trying to keep my voice calm.

He ignored me. 'Call the police,' he demanded to the crowd that had formed. I heard someone calling with a cell phone.

Thayer stepped forward. 'Phil, what in the world is going on?'

"This repentant sinner of yours was snorting cocaine before services. You can see the residue on his nose, chin and suit jacket. I'm holding him until the police come.'

I started laughing. Normally I would have just stood still until the police arrived, but I didn't want to risk a drug test and have cocaine from last night show up. 'Reverend,' I said, 'whatever powder is on me is from powdered doughnuts. You'll find an empty box in my car.'

Thayer walked over to my car, peeked in, and then walked back to me. He dabbed his finger against my chin and tasted it.

'Phil, let go of Joe immediately,' he said. I saw an empty box with my own eyes and this is nothing but powdered sugar.'

Phil didn't move, at least not at first, and then he reluctantly let go of me. I took a step away from him, making a show of grimacing and rubbing my arms. As I turned to face him I could see nothing but loathing in his eyes.

'I'm sorry,' he said, without much feeling.

I held out my hand to him. He had no choice, he had to accept it.

'I am so sorry for what I did to you eight years ago,' I said, hamming it up, but for the most part meaning what I was saying. I wish to God there was some way I could take it back, that I could've been the one stabbed instead of you. But there's nothing I can do, Phil, except pray that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.'

It was all true, but I still I laid it on pretty thick. All he could do was stand there and take it. I let my eyes wander to the crowd that had gathered around us and could see that I'd won over a few of my fellow townspeople. Not all, but a few. At that moment I made up my mind. If that sanctimonious holier-than-thou sonofabitch was going to screw around with prostitutes and then try to act morally superior to me, the hell with him.

A police cruiser pulled up with its siren blaring. Tony Flauria stepped out of it. 'Okay,' he said, bulling his way forward, his eyes focused on me, 'someone call in an emergency?'

Thayer stepped forward. 'Nothing but a misunderstanding, Officer.'

Flauria looked towards Phil. 'Is that right, Mr. Coakley?'

Phil stood silently for a moment and then nodded.

Flauria gave me a long hard look before turning back to his cruiser. The crowd started to disperse. Phil hung back until we were alone.

'Hey, Joe,' he said as he walked off. 'What can I say? I made a mistake. Don't worry, next time I'll be more careful. Next time my evidence will be rock solid. I promise.'