Dave Zeltserman - Small crimes

'Let's sit for another minute.'

She tried moving my hand to her breast, but I moved it back to her small slender hip. She started giggling. 'It's funny your being so shy,' she said. 'Why's that?'

'Because of someone else. Someone you sort of know. He can barely even look at the girl he's with.’

‘And why is that funny?'

'I don't know. It's just that the two of you are connected, kind of.'

Her eyes sparkled with amusement. I could tell she was just dying to tell me her private joke. But I could already guess it.

'Phil Coakley comes here, huh?' I asked.

That seemed to sober her up. 'I really shouldn't be talking about this,' she said.

'Don't worry, you didn't tell me anything. I guessed.'

'Well, he doesn't really come here. Not exactly. He couldn't even if he wanted to.'

'Yeah, it wouldn't look good for the DA to be frequenting a place like Kelley's.'

'I guess that's part of it.' She let out a laugh. 'But only a small part. Trust me. The girl he's seeing has to meet him at a motel. It wouldn't matter who she was seeing. It's funny, she thinks it's sweet that he can barely look at her. I don't know how she stomachs looking at him. Can you imagine what his face must look like when he's climaxing?'

She let out a shudder. I could feel it shake her whole body. I didn't say anything.

'That was pretty mean of me, wasn't it?' she said. Then, after a hesitation, 'I've heard that he used to be good looking.'

I nodded.

She gave me a long curious look as she studied me. 'There I go again,' she said, giggling. 'I'm bumming you out. And I was told to take good care of you. You just might have to put me across your knee.'

She giggled again and then filled up the coke spoon and inhaled it deeply. The cocaine was starting to affect her skin color, making it slightly jaundiced. Small droplets of perspiration hung from her forehead. As she smiled at me now it seemed a bit plastic. She was still beautiful, but not as stunning as when I first saw her. The coke spoon was refilled and handed to me. As I held it I felt my arm tremble. I wanted the coke, I wanted the rush that it would give me, I wanted to feel more alive than I was feeling, but I could see the effect the coke was having on Toni. I could see how it was marring her appearance. In my mind's eye I could see myself staring out with the same dumb glassy expression. I dropped the spoon back into the vial. My head was pounding. I felt like if I didn't get out of there my heart was going to explode.

'I think I better get going,' I said. I slid her off my lap and stood up at the same time.

'You're kidding?' She seemed genuinely surprised, not quite believing what she heard.

'I'm sorry, this just isn't right. Not for me anyway.'

She just stood hands on hips, staring at me with disbelief. 'Joe, why don't you sit back down and enjoy the ride. This is all paid for.'

'I'm not feeling good. I think I'd better just leave.’

‘You're kidding, right?’

‘I'm sorry, I've got to go.’

‘Then go. 'Bye now.'

As I opened the door, I glanced behind me and saw Toni staring at me with utter disgust, her lips pressed tight into a rigid smile. Then I was out of there. ZZ Top's 'Legs' blasted me as I pushed through the curtains and stepped in front of a loudspeaker next to the stage. A healthy-looking blonde took her top off as she swayed to the beat of the music. I rushed past her and the stage, and nodded towards Earl on my way out. I felt as if I was suffocating. As I got outside, I sort of collapsed, standing bent over with hands on knees, trying desperately to breathe in the cool night air. After a few minutes of that, my head started to clear and I could breathe normally.

I guess I had a panic attack. It was probably triggered by the cocaine. The attack left me feeling shaky, but I was for the most part over it. I made my way over to my car, got in, and sank into my seat as I tried to clear my head. I felt disgusted with myself.

Elaine had been right, I always took the easy way. I always looked for short cuts. If things had continued with Toni I would've been following the same pattern that I always followed. At some point I had to break it. I sat for a long time, maybe a half-hour, maybe longer, before I was able to gather up the strength to drive away from there.

It was almost midnight before I got back to my parents' house. I was surprised to see my dad still up. He was standing by the kitchen sink making himself some tea. He turned and gave me a self-conscious smile when he heard me.

'You left in quite a huff this morning,' he said.

I slid past him and filled up a glass of water and drank it down. I did that two more times and then washed out the glass and put it back on the shelf. After that, I turned sideways to face him.

'What did you expect?' I asked.

'We're not trying to fight with you, Joey. We're only trying to talk with you, that's all.'

He looked old standing there with his shoulders stooped and his face drawn and haggard. It softened my attitude.

'I'm sorry, Dad,' I said.

'I'm sorry too, son.' His eyes widened with concern as he looked at me. 'Joey, are you feeling okay?' he asked. 'You're sweating.'

'I'm okay, I've just had a busy day.'

'My God, you're pale as a ghost.'

'Don't worry about me, I'm fine.'

'How about I make you something to eat. Would you like some scrambled eggs?'

'Sure, Dad, that'd be good.'

I sat down at the kitchen table and watched as he got two eggs from the refrigerator, cracked them into a bowl, mixed in some milk and black pepper and then stirred them with a fork. When he was done, he put a frying pan on the stove, melted some butter and then poured in the eggs.

'I got some ham, Joey, would you like some thrown in?'

'That sounds great.'

He took a slice of ham, broke it into pieces, and dropped them onto the eggs before scrambling all of it. He then scraped the eggs onto a plate and placed it in front of me.

'How about some toast?'

'Sure.'

After he made me some toast and coffee, he sat down across from me with his tea. He sipped his drink slowly as I ate the eggs.

'What did you do today on your first day out?'

'Visited some friends. Nothing much else.'

I felt awkward sitting there with him. We were never very close. When I was a kid he used to spend a lot of his time at the firehouse and I never saw him much. Later, when I was in high school and starting as quarterback, we got a little closer. He'd show up for my games and take me out to dinner afterwards. Still, we never connected. Now it was as if we were strangers. He was just some old stooped man drinking a cup of tea. And I could tell he was as uncomfortable as I was.

He cleared his throat and waited until I looked at him.

'Joey, have you thought about what you're going to do?'

'What do you mean?'

'I was hoping you would think about college.’

‘I'm too old for that,' I said. 'I'm forty. I'm not going to sit in a classroom with a bunch of eighteen-year-olds.’

‘Other people have done it.'

'I'm not going to. Besides, how would I pay for it?’

‘I'm sure you would find a way.'

If I kept the police pension I'd be able to, but I wasn't going to do that. Besides, I needed to get a real job so I could do something for my daughters. I couldn't wait four more years for that. 'Even if I wanted to, I don't think too many colleges would take a forty-year-old ex-felon. What I was thinking was that maybe I'd go to a trade school and become a plumber, or maybe an electrician.'

His face deflated with that. 'You could do that, Joey,' he said, 'but I hope you consider college. I'm sure if you set your mind to it you could find a good school that would take you. I think that would be the best thing for you.'