Peter Maravelis - San Francisco Noir

Usually I’m nice to the cabbies. I have them drop me off at the tip of the sharply angled, dead-end block my ramshackle house sits, melting, at the end of. I walk myself careful down the steeply sloping sidewalk, gashes cut into the concrete sidewalk for traction. Getting to my front door is like rappelling down the side of a cliff. If you ask me, houses shouldn’t have been built down here. These little block-long streets cease abruptly at the open space that remains on the side of the hill, and the hill is angry that development has crept so close. It whips these pathetic homes with a battering, constant wind. It sends soggy clouds to sit damply atop the roofs, trickling stagnant moisture, birthing deep green molds. It sends its monsters, the horrifying Jerusalem crickets, up from the soil to invade basement apartments, looking like greasy, translucent alien insects. They drive me crying into the bathroom to strategize their eviction from my home.

The hill hates the houses, and my dead-end street is a study in bad feng-shui-the sinister vibes rising on the wind. It’s my plan to move someday, when I’ve saved enough money to afford it. It’s my hope that the rents will go down in this town. I’m biding my time here on the side of the hill, a growing stack of cash in a box on my bookshelf. I worry about it there, the soft paper of it. I check in on it daily, to make sure the damp hasn’t dissolved it into a mushy lump of pulp.

Anyway. My street is difficult to drive down, harder to get out of. You can back up but it’s sort of scary. You can turn around in the driveway across the street, but that’s a bitch. Plus, the scrappy little dog that lives there will bark at you the whole time, making the task even more hellish. Usually I tell the cabbies to let me off at the corner and I hike down to my door.

That morning I felt surly and bossy, like a tired old whore, even though I was only twenty-five. I’d been up till 4 a.m. fielding late-night alcoholic phone calls from my recent ex, Jenny. They’d started around last call, from the pay phone mounted on the wall at the bar. I could hear the rumble of voices behind her, smacked with sharp laughs and the sound of glasses, music low from the jukebox at the other end of the room. Jenny was louder than all of it. She must have thought I couldn’t hear her, but I heard her fine, she was screaming. I heard her fine and I bet half the bar did, too; heard all my business and Jenny’s drunk opinion of it. The call would last until her money ran out and then I’d have a break as she hit the bar for more change or bummed some off her friends. I’d lay on my futon in the silence, listening to the subtle ping of water falling somewhere in my apartment. Waited for the phone to ring and it did. Heard the bartender holler last call; later heard her say, Hey, Jen, Don’t You Got A Phone At Home, Come On. We’re Closed. Mentally tracked the eight-minute walk down Mission, to Jen’s place upstairs from the produce and piñata store. Counted minutes for the huffing climb of the stairs, the drunken fiddle with the locks. Imagined her pause at the narrow closet that held her toilet, to piss out a bunch of what she’d just drank; figured in some time for her trip into the kitchen to check the empty fridge for beer; then another sixty seconds for her to stomp into her room, fling herself onto her bed, and start calling me again. I picked up the phone; I didn’t have anything else going on. I laid the phone on my ear and stayed rolled on my side upon the futon.

She sounded crazy because she was crazy. This was good for me to remember. These phone calls were the best breakup present Jenny could have given me. I listened to her psycho-ramble, and sometimes, when it was appropriate, I’d say, Yeah, I’m Sorry For That. Sometimes, the sharp reality of her pain really got me and I’d feel it, too; a haunting glimpse of what it must be like to be trapped on the inside of Jenny’s brain. As shitty as our tortured relationship was for me-this shitty, dramatic ending was worse for Jenny. I was getting away, but she was going to be stuck there inside her head for the rest of her life.

The morning of my call with the guy from Seattle, my face was puffy and I was almost hallucinating with sleep deprivation. I smeared some Preparation H under my eyes, which had submitted to a bit of crying during some of Jenny’s more expressive calls. I learned the Preparation H thing from a girl I worked with at a house in Oakland. It shrinks the little red saddlebags under my eyeballs right down. I wobbled into an outfit, packed my purse with the minimum; no toys, too early, just the condoms and the lube, my wallet, key, and that smear-proof lipstick. I swear, a million whores rejoiced when they finally came out with this stuff. Blowjobs require enough of a sacrifice of dignity without having to worry about looking like a clown, red smears all over the place, when you’re done.

The call was easy; the guy was still sleepy himself. I left him fumbling with the hotel coffee pot and hailed a cab outside. Down there? the cabbie asked as he crested my street. Yup. He sighed. I could feel him asking if he could just dump me out at the corner. Not that morning, not in those shoes, not in the condition I was in. I was ready to plunge back into my damp bed and sleep the day away. Barely 10 a.m. and I’d already made my money. The cab turned down my block, crawling carefully.

That little fucking dog started its yapping. The poor thing never saw the inside of a house; it was just roped there to the chain-link fence that separated our paltry civilization from the wild roll of hillside. Its hair was long and its body was small. It looked like a bad wig someone had tossed onto the street, sort of matted and dingy. I bet it’d look like a real fancy pooch if someone ever cared to clean it up, but for now it looked like a piece of trash come to life. I tipped the driver well. If he were a good driver he’d be off my precarious street in about two minutes; if he were a hack he’d be out there forever, the dog ruining the day with its noise.

I knew something was wrong right away, because my door was open. The latch that held it shut had been busted off. It hung there on its hinge, the door. Thankfully, we were experiencing this summery weather up here, or else the wind would have been flapping it open and closed, open and closed, like that damn dog’s mouth, advertising to the shady neighborhood that my apartment was accepting explorers.

My neighborhood consists of: a gang of young boys who try to be intimidating and usually succeed; a shiftless family who occasionally steal my mail; the dude across the street who owns the dog, an Archie Bunker-type who looks like he’s stockpiling weapons and has American flags hung in his window in lieu of curtains; the little boy who lives downstairs from him whose efforts to befriend the ragamuffin canine result in bellows from the patriot and a scolding from the boy’s squat grandmother; a lesbian couple who bought the nicest house on the block-a dubious compliment-and who’ve allowed fear of their new surroundings to turn them into hostile bitches. Oh, and there’s Larry, lord of the mold, the man I pay rent to, who lives in the apartment above mine. It’s not exactly Mister Roger’s Neighborhood here. It’s like everyone has Seasonal Affective Disorder and we spend a good ten months of the year ensconced in clouds. The serotonin has all gone away, we’re unhappy people here on Porter Street.

I kicked off my heels and grabbed one in my fist, stiletto out, as a weapon. My front door gaped open behind me. I descended into the cave that was my home. Hello? I yelled. Hello, Motherfucker? Show Yourself, Fucker! I paused. Larry? I called. He has been known to come into my apartment on landlordy business, unannounced, totally illegal, I know, but what am I really going to do? Like I said, I’m biding my time here.