Ted Bell - Warlord

"Yep. Bedtime for Bonzo, Harry," Stoke yawned, getting up out of the armchair they'd stationed in front of the security monitor and stretching his aching back. Getting old, Stoke. Aches and pains. He was beginning to understand why they said old age wasn't for sissies. Time to start hitting Gold's Gym over at the beach three or four times a week, work out on the speed bag, get his rhythm back, put in some serious ring time.

"Yeah? Who's Bonzo?"

"It's a goddamn movie, Harry. Ronald Reagan and some chimp named Bonzo. Jesus. Don't you know anything?"

"What's on the TV today? Anything good?"

"Yeah. This movie called The Door. Really, really long and nothing ever happens."

"Sounds good. Who's in it?"

"Nobody. But it's a laugh riot. You will laugh your damn ass off, Harry, I swear to God. Grab a seat while it's still warm."

"Funny."

"G'night, Harry, don't forget your little red pills."

"Fuck me," Harry said disconsolately. The graveyard shift, 12:00 midnight to 6:00 a.m., was the most grueling of all.

HARRY PLOPPED DOWN IN THE CHAIR, settled in, and stared up at the monitor with a look of abject misery. He had not the faintest idea why he had ever thought this stakeout was going to be a wild and crazy few days in the lap of luxury on the beach. It sucked. Big time.

Stoke padded off to his bedroom, one of four down a long hallway, hit the pillow on his fabulous king-size bed, and was instantly sound asleep. Two seconds later his bedside phone rang. He looked at the fuzzy green numbers on the digital clock. Somehow, it was almost six o'clock in the morning.

"Yeah?" he said.

"Stoke, it's me. Sharkey."

"Shark, tell me how you got this number."

"I called Fancha. She gave it to me."

"I don't believe you."

"I tole her, man, this is an emergency. She gave it to me."

"What kind of emergency?"

"Life and death. I gotta come out of the joint, man. Right now. I'm dead serious."

"Tell me."

"I don't know where to begin is the problem. See, there's this crazy con on my cell block in the Glades. Seminole Indian guy. Calls himself Chief Johnny Two Guns. Former championship prizefighter who murdered his own mother with a fucking tourist-shop tomahawk he bought in Alligator Alley. Know what he tells me yesterday?"

"No."

"He says 'Got some good news and bad news for you, Nurse Shark-boy. Nurse shark, get it? Funny, huh? The good news is, he says, I'm getting married tomorrow. Bad news is you the squaw."

Stoke said, "That's bad."

"Tell me about it. Anyway, he's out in the yard every day sayin' I'm his bitch. I got to wear Revlon Love Dew lipstick during lock-down. And a blond wig, Stoke; man calls me his little 'Cuban Firecracker' I'm telling you, man, it's just a matter of time before I get my butt fucked. Flipping out in here, I'm saying, I mean what the hell, man? I didn't put in for this shit."

Luis Gonzales-Gonzales sounding all wound up like he was about to come unsprung.

"You juiced right now, Shark? You jacked up on shit?"

"Ah, hell, no. Clean and mean. Ask me a question."

"Capital of Idaho?" said Stoke. Shark, for God knows what reason, had decided long ago it would be a good idea to memorize all the U.S. state capitals.

"Boise."

"Alaska."

"Juneau. Okay? Satisfied? I ain't wrecked. Now get my ass the fuck out, boss."

"Anybody else troubling you?"

"Lemme see. Aryan Brotherhood? Yeah, they're troublesome. Big white asshole skinhead with a swastika on his forehead. Calls himself 'The Bonecrusher.' And there's this other guy see, in that Islam cell you want me to penetrate. He's this Black Muslim cat, calls himself Ishtar, big sonofabitch, three hundred pounds at least. Eyes bulging out his head like hard-boiled eggs. He says he catches me doing the nasty with the Chief he's going to cut my dick off with a razor, one inch at a time."

"That shouldn't take too long."

"Don't mess with me right now, Stoke. Serious. I can't take this place a second longer. And when I get out, I'm taking early retirement. Spend more time with my remaining limbs."

"Sharkey, you know how to protect yourself against this kind of shit. You got your shank."

"Shit, that's the thing. They did a shakedown of my cell and found my shiv inside my mattress. I got nothing, man, nothing. You know what it's like to be a one-armed Cuban cat doesn't weigh much more than a hundred pounds in a bug-house full of homicidal maniacs like the Glades?"

"Did you penetrate that radical Islam cell yet? Get me some names besides this Ishtar cat? Say yes and you can come out."

"Penetrate the cell? Fuck, that's the problem. I penetrated the damn cell and now they trying to penetrate me! That's what I'm talking about, Stoke. Penetrate my ass! And if I don't pick up the soap, they whack me. I gotta come out, Stoke. Please get me out. I'm beggin' you. I can't do another day in stir."

"Look, Sharkey, I understand. But we need to get inside these bad boys' heads and find out what the hell kind of bad shit they got in mind once they get out."

"I found out some stuff today, peeking at the Wizard's laptop when nobody was looking."

"Wizard?"

"Little old Pakistani guy who seems in charge. Looks like Yoda in Star Wars. Has this long pointed white beard. Wears a robe all the time, some kinda Arab writing all over it. Talks like Yoda too. I think he does it on purpose, you know, give himself a little personality."

"He's got a computer? You can't have a computer in the slam, man."

"He does, Stoke, all I can tell you. Smuggled in by a guard at Admin who's on the little guy's payroll, how do I know? Got one of those little plug-in aerials that gives you Internet access."

"Where's he hide it?"

"I dunno. I heard about it and paid some guard named Figg a grand to let me get a quick look at it when everybody was out in the Yard."

"Can you get back at that computer? Steal it? Then you can come out."

"I got to come out now, man, I'm serious. Ishtar catches me poking around trying to steal the Wizard's shit, I'm dead on arrival."

"Calm down, Sharkey. I got an idea. I don't like it, but I guess I got no choice but to do it."

"Tell me."

"I'm coming inside with you."

"What?"

"I can get myself incarcerated at the Glades with you. Have us put in a cell together so I can take care of your skinny ass. Keep you from getting married to somebody you're not totally in love with. Steal the Wizard's computer."

"Okay, okay, that's really sounding good, man, but when?"

"Tell me where the Wizard keeps his laptop and how the hell they let a con have one in the joint."

"Smuggled in. He's got a battery charger and some kind of antenna he plugs into it that picks up cell-phone towers, I think. What do I know. No idea where he hides it but someplace good because the hacks toss his cell all the damn time and they can't find it. So, when? Like, tomorrow?"

"As soon as I put away the bitch tried to kill me and almost killed my good friend Fast Eddie Falco."

"How long will that take, you figure?"

"Not long. I'm sitting on her twenty million bucks but she has to go through me to get it."

"Why can't Harry do that? He's goddamn CIA."

"Harry sucks at surveillance. No patience. He's got severe attention deficit syndrome."

"What?"

"Don't worry about it. Just hang in there, okay? Stop taking showers for a few days. Maybe the stink'll keep 'em away from you too. I'll come take care of you, Sharkey, I promise."

"Okay. But what do I do until you get here?"

"Eat a lightbulb and get yourself sent to the prison hospital."

"Eat a lightbulb?"

"Nobody said it would be easy, Shark."

Stoke hung up. He would have killed to go back to sleep but it was 6:00 a.m. and he had to go relieve his partner.