Charles McCarry - The Miernik Dossier

I had a good deal more than that in the rucksack. Sasha had given it to me, as you know. Bundles and bundles of dollars, worth millions of zloty. At the time I’d thought he was crazy-what did I need with all that money? Now I was glad I had it. I blessed Sasha, who… One of Sasha’s sayings was “You cannot think of everything, but if you have enough money it’s not necessary to think of everything.” Even Sasha could not have thought of this- Tadeusz in the hands of bandits. Good God, who could this day and age?

Q. Did you confide in Christopher about the money?

A. No, and I don’t really know why not. I just nodded and said we’d pay. I said something like, “I have a little money.” Paul didn’t question me. He never questioned anybody, you know. Everyone confessed to him all the time, but he never invited it. My brother told him everything, and I assure you that was not like Tadeusz. There was something about Paul. One simply trusted him.

Q. Did you trust what he was telling you about what may have happened to your brother?

A. I trusted him. I had the feeling he was withholding his own opinion. At least I think that’s what I felt. Be honest. Who knows after the fact what you knew and didn’t know? Anyway, Paul told me that he didn’t think we should just sit down and wait. He agreed that an expedition to rescue Tadeusz was a dangerous idea. I knew he would have to go out alone, if he went. Kalash would never help him.

Q. Why not?

A. Kalash did not like my brother. He thought he was a fool. By Kalash’s standards he was a fool. Tadeusz lacked nonchalance-totally lacked it. That embarrassed Kalash, made him contemptuous. Nigel was nonchalant. Paul was nonchalant. Ilona was nonchalant. Even I, a little bit. That was the quality Kalash prized above all others. After the shooting that night, Kalash and Paul and Nigel were no different than they had been before. No emotion, no anger. They kept up appearances. Making no mention of the fact that Ilona and I were naked, never even referring to that fact is an example of what I mean. Drinking tea and chatting beside the dead bodies, all that was part of their style. Tadeusz ran behind the tents and threw up. For days afterward he was withdrawn, silent. His hands trembled. The other three rode through the desert eating oranges and making witticisms.

Q. How did Chistopher happen to take you with him?

A. I insisted on going. It’s true he didn’t oppose me, but I thought this was just another example of his sensitivity. He realized I would be happier taking part. He was my brother’s only real friend in that crowd. I’ve told you he didn’t interfere with others, didn’t judge. When I said I wanted to go, he thought for a few moments. Then he said yes. So we went.

Q. What was Christopher’s motivation, in your opinion?

A. His what? His motivation? Why did he do what he did? He wanted to find Tadeusz. He wanted to help. Simple friendship. Perhaps a certain regard for me as well as for Tadeusz. Paul and I liked one another.

Q. You didn’t think he had any ulterior motive he wasn’t telling you about?

A. Oh, for Christ’s sake. Of course not. What could it possibly be? He was likely to get himself killed. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t had some experience with these madmen already, you know. He knew what those people who had Tadeusz were capable of.

Q. All right, Miss Miernik. Let’s go on. We’d like you to describe what happened after you and Paul started out together. Just begin at the beginning.

A. The beginning I’ve already told you. In the garden we agreed that we’d go out together. We hadn’t much hope that we’d actually find Tadeusz. We didn’t know the country. If we had known more about it I think we wouldn’t have tried at all. It’s a hopeless place to search for anyone. Mountain after mountain, little valleys, forests of dwarf trees, caves. It’s a labyrinth up there. I had the feeling that we were not on our own planet any longer.

However, we didn’t foresee any of that. I went back to my room, with my girl trotting along with me-annoying, that, always having a servant with you-and changed into trousers and boots. I put some things into the rucksack on top of the money. I still thought the money would be useful, that we could buy Tadeusz back. Then I went back to the garden and waited for Paul. Pretty soon he came along and took me to the Land Rover. He had packed some of the camping gear and filled up the jerry cans with water and gasoline. Also, he had that portable radio set they had taken from the bandits, the walkie-talkie. And the Sten gun, lying on the front seat. Kalash was there with the big black fellow who let us in the night we arrived. He was a special chum of Kalash’s-went everywhere with him. Kalash said nothing to me, absolutely nothing. At least for the time being he left off giving me looks of sexual invitation. That’s beside the point. Kalash and Paul were looking at a map. Kalash drew a line on it, to show where he had last seen Tadeusz. They were as cool as could be; one would have thought they were discussing the best route between Geneva and Lausanne. The famous nonchalance again. Kalash folded up the map, handed it to Paul, and said, “Cheerio.”

Cheerio. We drove away. It took us a couple of hours to reach the place where Tadeusz had vanished. There was no proper road. We bumped along, dodging rocks, reversing, finding the way as best we could. It was by this time late afternoon. We picked up the tracks of the other Land Rover and drove in them. Paul was remarkably skillful. Before we reached the crest of a hill he would stop the car, get out, walk to the top, lie down, and search the way ahead with binoculars. He had me keeping a lookout behind us and all around us as we drove. He knew just what he was doing.

We kept on until the last light. Paul returned from one of his scouting trips to the top of a hill and said he had seen water ahead. We drove on until we came to this place with a sort of spring and trees. It was not my idea of an oasis, but I guess that’s what it was. He pulled the Land Rover into the trees and unloaded the tent and so forth. Then he covered the car with branches to camouflage it. We ate cold food out of tins. Paul didn’t want to show a light, so we sat there in the dark. He was just an outline to me. There was no moon, only the stars. They seemed to be the same stars one sees in Poland, and this surprised me. Before there had been so much moonlight one couldn’t see the stars properly. I expected strange stars, the Southern Cross. We hardly spoke. The whole trip was silent.

Paul got out the radio and tuned it in. Pretty soon, very faintly, I heard Kalash’s voice. I don’t know why this should have surprised me, but I was startled. My heart pounded. What I hoped, of course, was that Kalash would say that Tadeusz had come back. It was nothing like that. Paul just gave him our location. He and Kalash had marked the map- Point A, Point B, and so on. “Twenty miles northeast of Point B,” Paul said. “No luck.” He repeated this formula. I heard Kalash say, “No luck here, either.” Paul turned off the radio and hung it up on a branch.

Q. So nothing happened that first day and night?

A. Ah, here is the part you have been waiting for. Something happened.

Q. Something happened?

A. Yes. I seduced Paul Christopher. He had set up the tent and put my sleeping bag in it. His own sleeping bag he spread on the ground, in the open. He said to me, “Are you tired? We’d better try to sleep.” I said to him, “I’m not tired.” Then I crawled over to him in the dark and kissed him. He was not surprised; nothing surprised Paul. He kissed me back and we went on. Your files should show that he makes love gently and for a very long time. He has an honest body, just as he has an honest mind.