Catherine Coulter - The Edge

"He thinks he's upscale now," Laura had said. "It's his statement of self-worth."

I put a slice of bread into the toaster and got out the can opener. I forked out an entire can of salmon and rice into Grubster's big white bowl, with a smiling cat face on the bottom, petted his back, rubbed his ears, and listened to him purr as he chowed down.

"Squawk."

I waved a hot slice of toast until it cooled and broke off small pieces for Nolan.

"Everyone happy now?"

There was blessed silence.

It was Saturday morning, already warm and promising to be hot by noon, and Laura was still asleep. I was about to go back to bed to kiss her awake when the doorbell rang.

"Just a minute," I called out and went into the bedroom to pull on a pair of jeans.

"A registered letter. Are you Mr. MacDougal?"

I nodded. "Who is it from?"

"It's from Oregon, that's all I know."

I don't know what I expected, but this wasn't it. It was a short note from a lawyer in Salem, Oregon, telling me only that my sister wished this to be mailed to me exactly three months after her death had been confirmed.

My hand shook as I smoothed out the pages.

My dearest Ford:

I wonder if you will be with me tonight. If so, you will know what it is I have done. I am so sorry to cause you this pain, but I will be grateful if you are there with me.

How can I begin? At the beginning, I suppose. Paul and I had such great hopes for my brainchild. I managed to bond a neurotransmitter involved with memory to an opiate, and was surprised when the compound proved stable. We thought we would accomplish so much with it when it seemed not to be toxic and had such profound effects in our laboratory. We thought we'd found a key to how memory works, and maybe sexual drive too. But no matter what we tried, we couldn't control it or predict its effects well enough, and the bastards at VioTech pulled the plug on us.

Actually, Ford, they pulled the plug because both Paul and I had tried the drug ourselves, and they found out about it. It was the stupidest thing I've ever done. It was so wonderful at first. The sex was simply incredible. By the time we left VioTech, I was badly hooked. Paul was always afraid of it, even though he loved what it did to his sex drive, and so he kept his doses in check, and it saved him.

But we had to be able to make more of it by then, and I wanted to keep trying to alter the drug, or control it better. We approached Cotter Tarcher in Edgerton. Paul knew the vicious little bully well enough to think he'd be interested. After Cotter tried the drug, he was willing to help talk his parents into supporting us. Cotter thought he would get rich beyond his dreams. We didn't know his uncle, John Molinas, was a drug distributor, and that Cotter would tell him about us. Nor did we know that he 'd bring that big drug lord in on it- Del Cabrizo.

We didn't make any progress, and I got worse. The drug just took over. It still has control. I'm not proud of what I've done in the last six months, Ford, the men I've been with, including Del Cabrizo. When Del Cabrizo had Molinas tell us Laura was DEA, it turned me completely psychotic. She was inside my head, tormenting me, and I couldn't stand it. I tried to kill myself so that I would be killing her too.

And then you arrived. You were such a comfort to me. I left the hospital because Cotter called to warn me that Del Cabrizo knew that you 'd found Laura, and he was threatening to kill both of you. I don't know how he found out, but he did. I was so afraid for you. There was nothing else I could do, so I left the hospital and went into hiding. I stayed with Rob Morrison for a little while, another man I'm not proud to say was my lover. Because Rob crossed them by hiding me for just that first night, they killed him.

Del Cabrizo needed me to make progress on the drug, you see, and it became a sort of standoff. I told them I'd keep working on the drug if they didn't kill you. But I couldn't stop them from taking you. They promised not to kill you if I helped them clear out all the evidence and move the operation to a cabin outside Spokane. They wanted me to get back to work once we moved everything to Spokane out of sight.

They also killed Charlie Duck, an old man who just dug and dug once he suspected what was going on. I told Molinas I was afraid of what he'd found out and that he 'd talk. With those words, I signed his death warrant. Del Cabrizo sent some goons to his house to search for anything he'd written down about what he 'd found out. Paul told me that they 'd forced a lot of the drug down him, then killed him when he tried to break away.

I'm so sorry about what they did to you, Ford. Please forgive me. I heard about your escape. Good for you. My brother the cop, you were always my hero.

I've been responsible for so much death and pain. It's all my fault.

As you know, I got away from them. But they've still got Paul. I know you can track him down if you want to, but they will kill him in a heartbeat if you do.

They will probably kill him anyway when they realize he can't help them. He just doesn't know enough.

Please, don't you be the one to go after him.

I wanted you to know what happened so you could put me away, maybe tuck me in the back of your mind as at least a bittersweet memory. No matter what I was, what I became, I loved you, Ford.

By the way, you should get together with Laura. She's perfect for you.

I slowly folded the pages and eased them back into the envelope. I lit a fire in the fireplace. When it was going strong, I gently placed the envelope on top of the flames.

I sat on my haunches and watched as it burned. I didn't move until it was completely gone.

"Mac? It's got to be ninety degrees in here. You lit a fire?"

I rose slowly and walked to my wife. I hugged her tightly against me. "Would you believe that I found an old photo of me hugging a girlfriend and I burned it before you saw it and got jealous?"

"Squawk."

"Nolan believes me."

"Sure, Mac," she said. I knew she didn't understand, but she was willing to accept that I didn't want to explain.

I hugged her for a very long time.

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