Luis Rocha - Papal decree

‘Do as I say, not as I do,’ the other replied.

Tarcisio repeated the sign of the cross and got up. He turned around to the one who had disturbed his prayer to at once drop his gaze.

‘This is going to have consequences, William,’ he said.

‘We have to minimize them.’

‘At what price, William?’ he said, raising his voice in irritation.

‘Whatever price necessary,’ he replied strongly. ‘We have to be prepared for everything, whatever it costs.’

‘I don’t know if I have the strength,’ Tarcisio confessed.

‘God gives you the burden and the strength to bear it. You’ve come far. Look where your strength has brought you. Look what God wants you to do.’ William’s voice was sincerely encouraging. He believed in Tarcisio’s ability. He laid his hand tenderly on his shoulder. ‘And your road is far from the end. He wants much more of you. More still. You know this very well.’

Tarcisio coughed uncomfortably. ‘We don’t know what He wants later.’ He covered his face with his hands. ‘We don’t even know what He wants now.’ Tarcisio looked perturbed, a sheep lost among the others.

William set both hands on Tarcisio’s shoulders and looked at him intensely. ‘Look at me.’

Tarcisio took his time complying with the request, not an order, since Tarcisio was William’s superior.

‘Look at me,’ he repeated with the same firm posture. Tarcisio finally looked at him with a beaten, lost expression. ‘You’re concentrating on the problem when you should be thinking of the solution. Things are in play. We can’t stop them now. But I need your approval. I myself will try personally to guarantee that everything will work out in our favor.’ He looked intensely at Tarcisio again. ‘We’ve got to do what’s right.’

Tarcisio freed himself from William and turned his back. He had to think about what he’d said. The moment required lucidity, he recognized this, but it was hard to find it. Help me, Father. Show me the way. Guide me in the calm sea of Your arms, he prayed mentally. William was right. Crossed arms and burying one’s head in the sand resolved nothing. A firm hand and a very short rein were necessary. He grabbed William’s hand.

‘Thank you, my good friend. You brought me back.’

William smiled. ‘Not me.’ He looked at the suffering statue. ‘Him.’

‘Your Eminence,’ Trevor called again fearfully from the door of the chapel. He didn’t dare enter.

Tarcisio looked at his assistant without showing his excitement. ‘What is it, Trevor?’

‘Ah… you asked to be told when Father Schmidt arrived,’ he said, awaiting a reaction.

‘I’ll be right there,’ Tarcisio only said. ‘You can go back to work.’

The assistant disappeared almost instantly from the entrance to the chapel, as if the devil were watching him from the corner.

William looked embarrassed. ‘What are you going to say?’

‘Nothing. He’s here as my friend from the church. I’m not going to intercede, nor do I want to,’ he deliberated. Now he was the Tarcisio he always was when he assumed control and responsibility. An imposing secretary.

‘That seems wise to me.’ William returned to the matter at hand. ‘You’re giving me your official approval, then?’

‘You can count on it,’ he said, going to the chapel door. He longed to see Schmidt again. He was playing on both sides at the moment. He wanted to do what was right. Christ would help him.

‘We already have people in the field,’ William informed him as they walked out. ‘I want to give the final orders and go over to Via Cavour.’

‘Be careful. Are you sure we can trust them?’

‘We don’t have another choice.’

‘Another innocent thrown to the beasts,’ Tarcisio argued pensively. Traces of conscience.

‘Others have done it. Don’t worry. We’re at war.’

‘I know.’

‘It’s a holy war, but there are damages we have to sustain. Everything will be resolved quickly.’

‘May God hear you,’ Tarcisio replied.

‘He’ll hear,’ William said with a smile.

‘Were you able to analyze the DVD? Any indication?’ he questioned shyly.

‘Nothing. Clean. I’m going now.’

Tarcisio left for his office in front, not without flexing his right leg and making the sign of the cross out of respect to the figure on the altar. William did the same, and both left to pursue their own affairs. Only Christ remained, nailed to the cross, His head hanging at His right side with an expression of suffering that foresaw the times to come.

The press conference in the La Feltrinelli bookstore was much calmer than Sarah had imagined. Francesco contributed by asking questions from time to time that called for a light response, without the institutional weight attached to most subjects linked with the Holy See. Even if his questions seemed planted, he did break the ice. Sarah felt grateful, since they had not planned it in advance. She didn’t even know Francesco would attend the conference, pen and notebook in hand, leaning up against a wall with a calm, serene expression, attracting the attention of the female contingent and of a few men as well. The Vatican contingent had not shown up, and this, too, helped lighten the atmosphere. The book she was promoting attacked certain people associated with John Paul II and suggested their responsibility for the attempt on the Holy Father’s life on May 13, 1981. The most prestigious journalists from La Repubblica, Corriere, and Il Messaggero were there. They sent professionals who for decades had studied and investigated that case, as well as others tied to the Vatican, and asked pertinent, intelligent questions, which Sarah answered confidently.

In the room of the Grand Hotel Palatino Sarah was sick. Nausea rose up in her throat, dry heaves. She tried to vomit, sitting on the floor of the bathroom with her head on the edge of the toilet. Nothing. Francesco didn’t know what to do.

‘Do you want me to call a doctor?’ he asked worriedly.

‘No, it’s going away,’ she answered, starting to gag again. She didn’t want to tell him that this was not something that had just started now. She’d felt symptoms since London.

‘I’m going to order some hot tea. It’ll do you good,’ he said, picking up the phone in the bathroom.

‘Yeah, do that. Thanks,’ as she dry-heaved once again. Empty. Upset. ‘Oh, damn,’ she complained.

Francesco placed the order and hung up the phone. Then he cradled Sarah in his arms.

‘Do you want to go to bed?’ he asked lovingly.

‘Let’s see if this goes away.’ Sarah knew it always calmed down. It lasted a few minutes and afterward it was as if nothing had ever happened.

Francesco gazed at his lover, who was leaning over the toilet bowl like someone who had been drunk all night. He couldn’t help feeling tender toward her, a need to make her feel better. He looked at her seriously.

‘Sarah,’ he said hesitantly, ‘I know it’s not the most propitious time, but maybe it would be better to go to a pharmacy.’ He waited for her reaction.

‘Why?’ The sickness was going away.

‘You know very well why, my dear,’ he smiled. ‘We haven’t taken proper precautions the last few times.’

Sarah didn’t want even to consider this. Pregnancy wasn’t in her plans. Not that she had anything against Francesco, far from it, he’d be an excellent father, but…

‘I’ll go to the doctor when we get back,’ she proposed.

‘Are you sure?’ Francesco looked at her with concern.

‘Yes. After tomorrow we’ll resolve it. Help me get up, please.’

Francesco pulled her up against himself and embraced her tightly.

‘I’ll be with you come what may. I’m not going to leave you to go buy cigars,’ he said with a smile.