David Handler - The Snow White Christmas Cookie

They were snuggled together on the love seat in front of a roaring fire, sipping Chianti and enjoying the aroma of Mitch’s meat loaf with pancetta and onions as it baked in the oven. He still had to mash the potatoes and sautee the chard. But he was in no hurry. He could sit here like this all night with Des, who had changed out of her uniform into the gray four-ply cashmere robe that he’d bought for her in Paris on his way home from the Cannes Film Festival. Clemmie and Quirt were nestled together in an easy chair. Des’s yellow string bikini was back up on the Chanukah bush where it belonged. Outside, the snow had turned to frozen rain. He could hear it tapping on the roof and windows. On the stereo was Everybody Knows This is Nowhere, a highly addictive vintage album from Neil Young’s Crazy Horse days.

“But, Mitch, it’s not real.”

“Beg to differ, little lady. How she feels about Matt is real. Her sexual responses are real. Therefore, the betrayal is real. We’re living in a not-so brave new world now. The line between real and virtual has gotten really blurred. There are a lot of lonely, unhappy people out there. Many of them are married people who are desperate to become someone, anyone, else. Dating sites allow them to create a whole new identity. They meet new people, get involved, get laid. They even fall in love.”

“That’s not real love. And it’s for damned sure not my idea of real sex.” Des sipped her wine, staring into the fire. “Sometimes I get the feeling that things have stopped making sense.”

“You’re not alone. I get that feeling a lot.”

“Does it scare you?”

“It can. But then I hug you and I’m not scared anymore.”

She leaned over and kissed him softly. “I wish you wouldn’t say things like that. I get all gooey inside and then I’m no good for anything.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” He stroked her face, studying her with concern. “You look whipped.”

“Only because I am. After I visited the Champlains I had to log face time with my troop commander in Westbrook. Explain to him up, down and sideways why I didn’t just put out a BOLO on Kylie and let her go.”

“Are you going to get in trouble over this?”

“I don’t think so. I didn’t provoke the chase. And I tried to talk her out of her car. I’ve got witnesses who’ll corroborate that. But I had to file a detailed incident report. And it’ll definitely be reviewed by Internal Affairs.”

“Sounds to me like we’d better watch Palm Beach Story after dinner.”

“ Again ? I’ve already watched that damned movie three times.”

“Is that all? Then we definitely need to see it. That sequence when Claudette Colbert escapes on the train with the Ale and Quail Club has to be the funniest ten minutes Preston Sturges ever filmed. Pure gold.” He got up and put another log on the fire. “You have no idea how lucky you are.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “Is that right?”

“You could have gotten mixed up with a critic who’s a Danny Kaye fan. Then you’d be sorry. He’d make you sit through The Man From the Diner’s Club over and over and over again. No two ways about it-you dodged a bullet when you met me.”

Des gazed out the bay window at the lights in the windows next door. “How’s Josie holding up?”

“Amazingly well considering the day she’s had. First Bryce, then Kylie. Plus Casey Zander showed up out here and got creepy on her.”

“Creepy as in?…”

“He has a major crush on her. Josie asked him politely to go home. He refused. I had to encourage him. It got a little physical-nothing serious-before he finally left. After the funeral home people carted Bryce’s body away she started right in on her to-do list. She’s incredibly organized and take-charge. I guess it helps to be a professional life coach. When I left her she was already boxing up Bryce’s possessions. She has to call his attorney, Glynis, to find out what to do with them.” Mitch refilled their wineglasses and sat back down. “She and Casey were lucky they weren’t seriously hurt when Kylie slammed into her office. She’ll have a shiner from that ceiling tile whacking her in the eye but it could have been a lot worse.”

Des pulled in her stomach muscles ever so slightly. So slightly that most people wouldn’t have noticed it. Mitch wasn’t most people.

He sipped his wine, studying her over his glass. “There’s something you really want to avoid telling me. What is it?”

She looked at him in amazement. “I can’t hide a thing from you, can I?”

“Don’t even try.”

“Look, this is kind of awkward for me. I know that you like Josie.”

He nodded. “And I know that you don’t.”

“What makes you say that?”

“You get all stiff-necked whenever she’s around.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Only to me. What do you want to tell me?”

“When I dashed into her office I found her having sex on the sofa with Casey. Rough sex. That’s how she got the shiner. Casey hit her in the eye. When I spoke to her about it she insisted that it was strictly a role-playing exercise. Casey has confidence issues with women and she’s been trying to help him out. I asked her point-blank if they’re romantically involved. She told me point-blank that they aren’t.”

“But you didn’t believe her.”

“Mitch, I saw what I saw.”

“She told me she got hit in the eye by a ceiling tile.”

“Casey’s the one who tangled with the ceiling tile. Josie lied to you.”

He listened to the frozen rain tapping on the roof, frowning. “I’ve been around a lot of world-class liars. I’m talking about movie producers, agents. She’s a damned good one.”

“How much has she told you about her background?”

“Josie isn’t someone who talks about her childhood. All I know is she grew up in Maine and graduated from Bates. She used to live with some guy up in Castine who liked to write sci-fi. After they broke up she moved down here and became a life coach.”

“She has a Web site. Have you ever checked it out?”

“No, I haven’t. Why?”

“Well, for starters her bio doesn’t say she graduated from Bates. It says she studied there. That’s a classic resume padder. If you audit a summer school class somewhere you can say you studied there. Her bio also boasts that she’s a fully accredited professional life coach. Remember how she mentioned that to us this morning?”

“I remember.”

“Do you have any idea what it actually means?”

“Not really.”

“It means that Josie completed an online degree program and then became officially certified by the American Life Coach Federation. Which sounds really impressive except, hello, it’s not. The American Life Coach Federation and the online degree program are one and the same entity. The outfit that enrolls you in its degree program-at a cost of around three grand-also serves as its very own certifying agency. Josie hasn’t been accredited by any official agency that’s regulated by the State of Connecticut. She bought her accreditation from a for-profit outfit.”

“So you think she’s a scam artist?”

“I think I’m not so sure how qualified she is to be doing what she’s doing. And after walking in on her and Casey getting sweaty, well, I’m not entirely sure what she’s doing.” Des trailed off into uncomfortable silence. “I’m not loving any of this. I know Josie’s your friend, and I’m fine with that.”

“Really? Because I’m not. I don’t stay friends with people who lie to my face. That’s generally a deal breaker for me.” The rain on the roof sounded quieter now. It had switched from frozen to plain old rain. “Did you get anywhere with our grinch?”