Chevy Stevens - Still Missing

There’s a part of me that still doesn’t want a movie, but I know one will get made, and if anyone is going to benefit from a movie about my life, it might as well be me. Plus, it’s not really about me, just the Hollywood version of me—by the time it hits the screen it’ll just be a movie. Not my life.

I agreed to meet with the movie chick and her boss in a week. They’re talking some big numbers, big enough that I should be able to live comfortably for the rest of my life.

As soon as I got off the phone, I called Christina. I knew she’d think I was calling to talk about Mom, so when I told her I was finally going away to art school, I took her silence for surprise. But when the silence continued, I said, “Remember? The one in the Rockies I was always talking about in high school?”

“I remember. I just don’t know why you’re going now.”

Her tone was casual but I felt the undercurrent of disapproval. Even back then she never really encouraged my going away to school, but I thought it was just because she’d miss me. I didn’t know what the reason was this time, but I knew I didn’t want to hear it.

“Because I want to,” I said. “And I’d really like it if you listed my house for me.”

“Your house? You’re selling your house already? Are you sure you don’t want to just rent it for—”

“I’m sure. And I want to spend the next couple of weeks fixing it up, but I’d like to get the paperwork out of the way soon, so when can you come over?”

She was silent for a bit, then said, “I could probably swing by on the weekend.”

The next Saturday morning she came over. While we filled out the forms, I told her about the school, how I couldn’t wait to go, how I was going to drive there the next day to check it out, how nice it was going to be to leave all this shit behind. She didn’t say anything negative, but her responses were subdued.

Business out of the way, we sat side by side on my front porch steps in the morning sun. There was something else I wanted to talk about.

I said, “I think I know what you were really trying to tell me that night you came over to make me paint.” Her eyes widened and a flush rose in her cheeks. “You can just let go of it. I’m not mad at you—or Luke. Shit happens.”

“It was just once, I swear,” she said in a flustered voice. “We’d been drinking, it didn’t mean anything. We were both so upset about you, and nobody else understood what we were feeling….”

“It’s okay. Honest. We all did stuff through this that we regret, but I don’t even want you to regret this one. Maybe it needed to happen or something. But it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Are you sure , because I feel so—”

“I’m over it, really. Now will you get over it, please?” I bumped her shoulder with mine and made a silly face. She made one back, then we lapsed into silence as we watched a young couple with a stroller pass the end of my driveway.

“I heard your mom has been telling people I was trying to beat you out of the project before you were abducted,” she said after a while.

“Yeah, she said your assistant told a friend of hers or something that you were my competition all along, but I know it was probably just another of her lies.”

“Actually, she got part of it right. They did ask me to put together a proposal for them and we met a couple of times. I knew they were talking to someone from another company, but I didn’t know you were also going out for it until you mentioned it one day. I pulled out of the running right away and they didn’t contact me again until after you were missing.”

“You pulled out? Why?”

“There’s business, and then there’s good business. Your friendship was more important to me.”

“I wish you’d told me, I’d have dropped out myself and let you go for it. You had way more experience and you’d waited longer for a deal like that.”

Christina said, “That’s why I didn’t tell you—I knew we’d end up fighting over who was going to give it up!”

We broke out laughing, but then Christina grew quiet again as she surveyed my yard.

“This is such a great place.” Shit, I knew where this was going.

“Yes, it is, and I’m sure someone’s really going to love it.”

“But you love it, Annie, and it just seems such a shame—”

“Christina, drop it.”

She was quiet for a moment, her body stiff beside me. Then she shook her head.

“No. Not this time. I’ve respected your wishes these last couple of months, sat by in silence while you struggled with all of this on your own, but I’m not going to let you run away, Annie.”

“Run away? Who the fuck said anything about running away? I’m finally getting my shit together, Christina. I thought you’d be happy.”

“Selling the house you love? Going to an art school in the Rockies when one of the top schools is an hour from here? That’s not getting your shit together. You said it yourself, you’re just leaving it all behind.”

“I’ve wanted to go to this school since I was a kid, and this house is a reminder of everything in my life, including my mom.”

“Exactly, Annie. You’ve wanted to run away from your mom since you were a kid. Do you think that’s going to make the pain go away? You can’t just erase everything that’s happened to you like that.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? You think I’m trying to forget what happened to me?”

“Yeah, I think you are, but you can’t. You think about it every day, don’t you? And it kills me that you don’t trust me enough to tell me about it. That you don’t think I can handle it.”

“This isn’t about you , this is about me. I can’t handle it. I can barely talk about it with my shrink. And to say it out loud to someone who knows me, to say what he did, what I did…to see in your eyes…”

“Are you ashamed? Is that it? This wasn’t your fault, Annie.”

“It is, don’t you see? No, you wouldn’t, you couldn’t. Because you’d never let this happen to you.”

“ That’s what you think? Jesus, Annie, you survived a year with a madman, you had to kill him to escape, and I can’t even leave my marriage.”

“Your marriage? What’s wrong with your marriage?”

“Drew and I…it’s not good. We’re talking divorce.”

“Oh, shit, you never said…”

“You wanted it light, remember? Not much light about a marriage falling apart.” She shrugged. “We’d been having problems before you were taken, but in the last year it’s gotten worse.”

“Because of me?”

“Partly. I was just so consumed with trying to find you, but even before that…You know this business doesn’t leave time for much else. I thought the new place might help, but…” She shrugged her shoulders again.

They’d bought a house a month before I was taken, and all she talked about was the new furniture they were shopping for together. I assumed they were doing great.

“So much has changed, Annie. After you disappeared I had nightmares every night for almost a month. I can’t do any open houses. Last week a strange guy called to see a vacant home, and I referred him to a male Realtor.

“For a whole year everything was about trying to find you, then finally Drew talks me into taking that cruise and I wasn’t here for you when you were in the hospital. Now that you’re home, I still don’t have you back—I miss you. And I can’t avoid dealing with my marriage anymore. Drew wants to go to counseling, and I don’t know what the fuck I want to do….”

She started crying. I stared at the grass and blinked back my own tears.