Brian Freeman - The Cold Nowhere

‘I know. Never mind.’

‘What about you? Did you and Stride ever talk about kids?’

‘I can’t have kids.’

‘I realize that, but that’s not the only way.’

Serena shrugged. ‘We didn’t really talk about it. It was easier not to talk about a lot of things. That was part of our problem.’

‘I hear you, but it doesn’t have to stay that way for ever. You know, Stride wasn’t always closed off the way he is now. He used to be pretty cocky. Much more like a cowboy. When Cindy died, he didn’t feel invincible anymore.’

It was like playing a record with a skip in it. The same note, over and over in her ears. ‘Yeah, I know, Cindy was the love of his life. Me, I’m Nancy Kerrigan, skating for the silver medal.’

‘That wasn’t what I meant at all,’ Steve said.

‘Doesn’t matter. It’s true.’

‘Actually, it’s a big load of self-pitying crap, Serena Dial.’

She laughed. ‘Yeah, maybe.’

‘Look, I’ve known Stride practically my entire life. I knew him with Cindy. I knew him with that disaster of a second wife of his, Andrea. I’ve known him with you. Was he happy with Cindy? Absolutely. It’s pretty damn easy to be happy when you’re young. But to be happy again, to fall in love again, after you’ve been through what he went through? That’s a hell of a steep climb. And that’s what I saw with him and you.’

Serena patted him on the cheek. ‘You’re a smoothie.’

‘Yes, I am.’

‘You need a girl, Steve.’

‘What makes you think I don’t have a little beach bunny down in Nassau?’

‘Do you?’

‘Nah, I just go for the pina coladas and the music. I’m married to my work. And my guitar.’

‘Next gig, I’m there,’ Serena promised. ‘I have to get Cat.’

She squeezed Steve’s shoulder and headed for the examining room. She knocked, but there was no answer from inside so she pushed the door open. Cat sat on the edge of the table, her stockinged feet dangling. She was dressed in a medical gown, open in the back, revealing the bare curve of her spine. She obviously hadn’t moved since Steve left the room.

‘Cat? You okay?’

The girl didn’t answer. Serena slipped inside and shut the door behind her.

‘Steve says you’re doing great. That’s good news.’

Cat shrugged. ‘I guess.’

‘Are you thinking about Dory? I’m sorry. It was an awful thing to go through.’

‘It’s not just that,’ she said.

‘Then what?’

Cat pointed at a chair against the wall, where her clothes were neatly folded. A large, over-stuffed manila envelope sat on top of her sweatshirt. ‘Dr. Steve gave me a bunch of brochures and books and stuff. What to eat. What not to eat. Vitamins and exercises. What’s happening inside my body. He told me what to expect month by month.’

‘It’s a lot to absorb,’ Serena said.

‘I’m not sure I’m up to it. Me having a baby? I’m crazy to think I can do it on my own. Maybe it would be better if I just — you know. Ended it.’

‘You’re feeling overwhelmed. That’s natural.’

‘It would be a lot easier if I didn’t go ahead with it, though, huh?’

‘Why the big change, Cat? You were excited.’

‘I know, but I’ve been thinking it’s not fair to a kid to have a mother like me.’ Cat stared at her feet. ‘I’m just scared. Losing Dory, it made me realize I’m all by myself in this.’

‘No, you’re not. You’ll have help.’

‘Thanks. You and Stride have been great. Sooner or later, though, it’s over, you know? It’s nice that Stride says I won’t be alone, but what can he do? Find me a foster home for a couple years? Come see me sometimes? It’s not that I’m not grateful, but it would suck to be a mom like that.’

‘Stride said you wouldn’t be alone?’ Serena asked.

Cat nodded.

‘He doesn’t say things like that lightly.’

‘Well, it’s not like I can stay at his house for ever.’

Serena didn’t say anything. She wondered whether Stride had really thought about the road ahead for Cat. And for himself. She also wondered where, if she had her desires, she fit into that equation with the two of them. If she fit at all.

‘Let’s worry about that later, okay?’ she told Cat. ‘Why don’t you get dressed? We can do a quick breakfast somewhere. What’s your favorite breakfast?’

‘Hot dogs,’ Cat said.

‘Seriously?’

‘Yeah, Dory took me to the state fair once a couple years ago. I was able to get a hot dog at like seven in the morning. A big footlong chili dog with onions. It was great.’

‘Well, Coney Island is open. Let’s see if we can get you a breakfast dog.’

Cat grinned. ‘Cool!’

She hopped down from the examining table. She shrugged out of the sleeves of the gown and stood on the floor in nothing but white socks. She was casual about her nudity, but in a way that was child-like, rather than cynical. She didn’t act like a street girl who had been naked around too many men. She was a beautiful young woman who had no clue how beautiful she was. Serena had been that way once, too, but it was so long ago that she couldn’t remember the feeling.

Cat stepped into white panties and then pulled up her gray sweatpants and tightened the drawstring. Half-dressed, she reached into one of her boots and took a gold chain into her hand. She slid the chain over her head and under her flowing hair to nestle at her neck. The gold dangled down her chest, and at the end of the chain, between the girl’s breasts, Serena saw a pretty, jeweled ring.

‘What’s that?’ she asked.

Cat cupped the ring in her palm. ‘Oh, that. My father gave that to me. It’s the only thing I have from him, so I always wear it.’

‘May I see it?’

‘Sure.’

She removed the chain from around her neck. With the tiniest hesitation, she put it in Serena’s hand, where the ring sat in the middle of a coiled nest of gold. Serena took the ring and pinched it between two fingers and held it near her eyes, where it sucked light like a magnet from the entire room. The ring itself was actually two rings twisted together, one with prongs cradling diamonds, the other with prongs cradling square-cut emeralds.

‘Your father gave this to you?’ Serena murmured.

‘Yes.’

‘When did he do that?’

‘A couple of nights before he died. Mother didn’t know about it. He would sneak into my room sometimes late at night, because that was the only time he could see me. He wasn’t supposed to come near us. He said if anyone knew, they’d send him away again, and I didn’t want that. So it was our secret. That last time, he gave me the ring. He said I couldn’t show it to anyone, but this way, I would always have something to remind me that he loved me. I suppose I should have thrown it away after what he did, but I couldn’t.’

Serena stared at the ring. The light from the jewels, with all their reflections, was hypnotic. The ring teased her and laughed at her, as if to say: See? I was here all along . She didn’t think she’d ever had a moment in her life of such shocking clarity. A moment where something cloudy and confused became so simple. She also knew, without any doubt, that the ring in her hand was cursed. It was evil. Without some kind of exorcism, it would destroy more lives.

‘It’s pretty, isn’t it?’ Cat went on, unaware of the strange dance between Serena and the ring. ‘I know it’s ten-dollar Walgreen’s paste, but I love it. I’d be lost without it.’

Serena’s fingers closed around the ring in a tight fist, as if it could be suffocated from lack of air.

‘It’s not paste,’ she told Cat, ‘and I’ve seen it before.’