Brian Freeman - The Cold Nowhere

He didn’t know what to say. He’d been in her shoes many times, watching life become death. There was no way to comfort her.

‘What do you think it’s like?’ she asked. ‘Being dead, I mean. Is that all there is?’

‘I wish I knew, Cat.’

‘My mother used to tell me about heaven. She said if I was good, and I prayed, I would go to heaven. She made it sound so beautiful. Do you think my mother’s in heaven?’

‘If there’s a heaven, I’m sure Michaela is there,’ Stride told her.

‘But you don’t think it exists.’

‘I hope it does, but I let God worry about things like that. I worry about the world down here.’

‘Even if it does exist, I’ll never get in,’ Cat said.

‘Why do you say that?’

‘Me? I’m just a whore.’

He reached out and cupped her chin with his hand. ‘What you were is behind you. You’re young, and you’re going to have a child, and you have your whole life ahead of you.’

Cat sniffled and wiped a hand across her face. ‘It doesn’t matter. I don’t think it exists, anyway. There’s no heaven. It’s just a lie that people tell. I think death is nothing but a cold nowhere.’

Stride slid across the seat. He wrapped Cat up in his arms. Her eyes were open, but she’d run out of tears.

‘My mother’s gone. My father’s gone. Now Dory’s gone, too. I have nobody.’

She said it matter-of-factly. That was what made his heart break. It had become so commonplace to her. He took a deep breath and thought about Cindy. Her voice was still vivid to him, when she woke him up in the middle of the night. So earnest. So sure she’d found the answer. Maybe we were meant to rescue someone else’s child .

‘I won’t let you be alone, Cat. That’s a promise.’

Cat said nothing. She didn’t know what it meant for him to say those words. She couldn’t afford to believe him, anyway. This was a girl for whom promises were empty.

‘Get some rest if you can,’ he told her. ‘We’ll be here for several more hours. Serena will take you to see Steve in the morning. Your baby’s the most important thing. Okay?’

She nodded with her head against his chest. He felt her relax just a little. When he eased away from her, she held onto his hand.

‘Do you think you can be a good person and do something really bad?’ she asked.

‘I hope so. I’ve done some bad things myself.’

‘Me, too. I was so angry with Dory, but then I thought, who am I to judge her? She always protected me. It doesn’t matter what she did in the past. I guess I was just angry at my father all over again.’

Stride frowned. ‘Your father? Why him?’

‘Dory told me something. He paid her a lot of money to sleep with him. She kept it a secret from me all these years, because she felt so guilty. If it were me, I probably would have done the same thing. If someone gave me five hundred dollars, you think I’d say no? I’m not sure I would.’

‘When was this?’

‘Right before my mother and father died.’ She saw the grimness take hold in Stride’s face, and she said, ‘What? What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing,’ he said.

‘Do you think it means something that Dory slept with my father?’

‘I think it meant something to Dory. She had trouble living with it. Beyond that, no. I heard you say that you forgave her for what she did. That’s the end of it. You can let it go.’

‘Okay.’

‘Get some rest,’ he repeated.

He eased her against the cushions of the seat, and she was asleep before he even adjusted the blanket on top of her. Her face was angelic. He smiled, looking at her, but he didn’t feel like smiling at all. He was suddenly deeply troubled.

It didn’t matter that Dory had slept with Marty. It didn’t even surprise him. It was exactly the kind of cruel, manipulative thing that Michaela’s ex-husband would do, just for the pleasure of demeaning another human being. What troubled him was that he knew Marty Gamble inside and out. He knew everything about him. He could practically account for every minute of his days. Where he worked. Where he ate. Where he drank. The clothes he wore. The money going in and out of his checking account. He knew it all.

There was no way — no way — that Marty Gamble should have had five hundred dollars to pay Dory for sex.

Steve Garske poked Serena in the shoulder. ‘Wake up, sleepy-head.’

Serena blinked. Moments earlier, she’d been reading a copy of People magazine in the clinic lounge as Cat went inside to the examining room with Steve. Looking at the clock, she realized that nearly an hour had gone by, and she was stretched out on the sofa with her head on a throw pillow. Her long hair was a rat’s nest.

‘Is it still April?’ she asked.

‘Last time I checked,’ Steve said, ‘although you wouldn’t know it from the weather. It’s eighteen degrees out there. So much for global warming.’

‘I moved from Las Vegas for this paradise,’ Serena said blearily, covering a yawn with her hand. ‘How’s Cat?’

Steve still wore his lab coat, with a stethoscope slung around his neck. ‘Physically, she’s fine. Mentally, well, that’s another story. She’s really upset.’

‘She had a bad night,’ Serena said.

‘I heard.’

Serena pushed herself up on the sofa and stretched her arms over her head. She saw the Caribbean glow on Steve’s skin. ‘Nice tan,’ she said.

‘I don’t tan. I burn. Anyway, it’s fading already. Soon I’ll be a white ghost like everyone else around here.’ He added, ‘It’s good to see you, Serena. I’ve missed you down at Amazing Grace this winter. I always throw in a Terri Clark song just for you.’

‘Yeah, sorry, I haven’t been in town much.’

‘But you’re back?’

‘I’m here now,’ she said.

His face had a sly smirk. ‘So what’s new with you?’

‘You mean, like, are you getting enough fiber in your diet? Are you still renting DVDs from Netflix? Or do you mean, what’s up between you and Jonny? You are an incorrigible gossip, Dr. Garske.’

‘I am,’ Steve agreed, ‘but since you brought it up, are you guys a couple again?’

‘We’re talking. We’re working together. We’ll see how it goes. I won’t deny that it’s nice to be with him.’

‘Have you slept with him yet?’

‘Jesus, Steve!’

‘Hey, if you can’t tell your doctor, who can you tell?’

‘You’re not my doctor.’

‘Fine, I’m his doctor. It’s a professional inquiry. Sex is good cardiovascular activity.’

‘If you remember, lack of sex wasn’t his problem,’ Serena said sourly. ‘It was who he was having sex with.’

‘Point taken. Sorry. If it weren’t for the whole do-no-harm oath, I would have kicked his ass when he told me about it. Speaking of your romantic rival, I heard that Maggie was in a car accident last night. Is she okay?’

‘She’s fine. You can only kill the undead with a stake through the heart.’ Serena yawned again and realized what she’d said. ‘I’m sorry, did that come out as bitchy as it sounded?’

‘Pretty much.’

‘Well, she’s fine.’

‘I’m relieved,’ Steve said. ‘I love her, but I knew she and Stride were a train wreck. I’m really glad you and he are trying to work things out.’

‘You never quit, do you?’

Steve mussed his blond hair. ‘Nope. Dr. Lovelorn, that’s me.’

‘Uh huh. Don’t quit your day job, Doc. Can I go get Cat?’

‘Sure, go on back.’

Serena stood up. ‘Tell me something, Steve. Back when Jonny and Cindy were trying to have kids, was he really on board with it? Or was it what Cindy wanted?’

‘Sorry, kiddo, I can’t say anything about that. They were both patients.’