Chevy Stevens - Always Watching

I came toward her. “Lisa!”

The man stepped forward and blocked me.

“Excuse me, please,” I said. Then I met his gaze and realized it was Joseph. Unlike his brother, the years had not been kind. He was gaunt and pale, dark shadows circled under red-rimmed eyes, and his hair was unkempt. He had the look of someone seriously ill.

Lisa had already passed by to stand at Aaron’s side near his desk. Aaron reached out and put his arm around her shoulder, his hand resting on the back of her neck, thumb pressing against her jugular. Panic surged through my blood.

Ignoring Joseph for now, I said, “Lisa, are you okay?”

She didn’t even glance at me. Instead she looked at Aaron for permission to speak, her body language almost deferential and her expression admiring.

Aaron said, “Go ahead, you can tell her what you told me this morning.”

Lisa now faced me, her eyes angry but her words calm. “It’s interesting, all the stuff I’m learning about meditating and spiritual awareness. I feel calmer now, like this is where I’m supposed to be, so I can get better.”

I studied her face, searching for signs of fatigue or stress, but she actually looked rested and healthy. I was relieved and also torn. I hated to hear that Aaron was having any positive effect on her, but I had to admit this was the best I’d seen her in years.

“Lisa, I’m glad you’re okay.”

“I’m fine. I like it here. These are my friends now.” She smiled at Joseph standing nearby, who returned it, but there was something in his face I didn’t like, a sweaty, feverish energy that made me wonder if he was in a manic phase. I remembered him kneeling behind Mary, the smile on his face as she sobbed.

I fought back a rush of fear. “They seem like your friends, but if you don’t do everything they want you to do, they’ll turn against you.”

A flash of anger in Lisa’s eyes. She was still there, she hadn’t lost her spirit. Unfortunately, her anger was aimed at me. “You’re just mad because I’m not doing what you think I should be doing. I’m happy here. But you’re still trying to control me. You think your way is so much better? You think your house is so safe?”

“My house?” What was she talking about?

She stopped short, looked at Aaron. He nodded. “Like we discussed, to let go of your negative thought processes, you have to share every part of your life.”

She looked back at me, tears glistening in her eyes. “It was Garret, Mom.”

“What was Garret?”

“That’s who molested me.”

I sucked in my breath. No, not Garret. My mind raced, trying to take in her words, but all I could do was stare at her, my heart thundering with shock.

Lisa continued. “It started when I was thirteen. You were always at the hospital.” She didn’t say the last part with bitterness or anger. It was defeat. A child who’d stopped calling out long ago for her mother to help her. She said, “A couple of days ago, he found me down at the wharf, bought me a coffee, said he just wanted to apologize. That’s why I overdosed—he drugged me. Then it didn’t matter anymore. You already thought I was using again.” An angry shrug.

Now I was also crying. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You’d make me talk about it, but I just wanted to forget it.”

“You can’t ignore something like this, Lisa. You have to deal with it.”

She threw her hands up. “Stop it, just stop it. You’re always pushing me to talk about everything. I’m not like you. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Aaron’s hand pressed against her neck again. She turned to look at him.

He said, “It’s time to tell your mother what you shared in confession.”

“I… I don’t. I’m not ready.” It was the first time I saw her falter.

“I thought you wanted to end your suffering and begin a new life?” He cocked his head, gave her a disappointed look that I was all too familiar with.

“I do. I just—”

She started sobbing so hard she could barely breathe. I’d never seen her cry like that. I stepped forward, wanting to shield her from all of this, to hold her in my arms. But she took a step back, retreating from me. I stopped.

Aaron said, “If you want to let go of your anger toward your mother and move toward inner peace, you have to break free from your past.”

Lisa took a couple of deep, shuddering breaths, trying to rein herself in, then with tears still streaming down her face, she turned to me. “It was me. I was the one who attacked you in Nanaimo.”

Her words hit me like a blow, and I almost stumbled backward.

Lisa, it had been Lisa.

I found my voice. “Why? I don’t understand—”

“I was there with some friends, and I wanted to score some drugs.” She looked at Aaron. He nodded for her to continue. She turned back to me. “I was going to ask to borrow some money, but when I saw you there, I knew you’d say no….” She started crying again, covering her eyes, too ashamed to even look at me. I was also crying, trying to make sense of everything, angry and hurt.

My daughter had left me lying in a parking lot. She had left me to die.

I said, “Do you really hate me that much?”

Her face was raw emotion. “No, I just…” She looked back at Aaron, wanting him to answer for her.

He said, “It’s not about hate, Nadine. It’s about breaking free. Sometimes, we need to leave negative energies behind and open our hearts to a new family.”

My anger surged again. “Are you actually saying that I’m a negative influence on my daughter? You don’t know anything about us, or our lives.”

“He sees everything.” Aaron pointed to the heavens.

So he still believed that the Light spoke to him. There was no way to argue with him. I had to just concentrate on Lisa. I had to get her out of there.

I faced Lisa. “Baby, whatever you’ve done, whatever happened to you, we can work it out, okay? I love you no matter what.”

She wouldn’t meet my eyes. I moved closer. “Lisa, please don’t shut me out. Can we just go somewhere and talk about this?”

Aaron said, “She doesn’t want to go anywhere with you.”

“She’s going to have to tell me that herself.”

Lisa raised her head, met my eyes, her gaze again blank and flattened. She had disconnected from the emotions, put them all in a dark corner of her mind, where not even the strength of my love could force them out.

She said, “I’m staying here. I want to be happy again.”

“This place won’t make you happy.”

She stared back at me. It didn’t matter what I said, even if told her about my own abuse. I’d seen that look in my patients’ eyes. Nothing would reach her now.

Aaron said to her, “You’ve taken some important steps toward your spiritual growth. I’m proud of you.” He kissed her temple in a fatherly gesture. Lisa looked up at him, grateful. I wanted to pull his hands off her.

I wanted to kill him.

He said, “You can return to your room now, and I’ll speak with your mother. It’ll be all right.” He smiled at her.

Her eyes slid in my direction, gauging my reaction, or seeking something—I wasn’t sure—but then she deliberately looked away as she passed by me.

I tried one last time. “Lisa, please wait a minute. You don’t understand. He hurt me—when I was a child.” I gripped her arm. She pried my fingers off and hurried down the hall. I stared at her back.

My daughter was gone.

Joseph was now blocking the door. I paused, feeling the energy in the room shift and turn darker now that Lisa had left.

Joseph took a step forward. “It’s time for you to leave.”

Aaron said, “I’d like to talk to Nadine alone, Joseph.”