Simon Lelic - A Thousand Cuts

The envelope was on her keyboard,wedged between two lines of keys so that it announced itself as soon as Lucia’s desk came into view.

Her first thought was of the headmaster; that the envelope heralded some official censure. The envelope, though, did not look official. It was windowless, plain white, with her first name only printed in oversize capitals. And whereas formal correspondence was usually confined to a taut paragraph or two on a single sheet of A4, the envelope on Lucia’s desk bulged.

Lucia looked about her. No one was paying her any notice. Walter was at his desk, leant back on his chair, his feet raised as usual and his keyboard on his lap. Charlie was on the phone, Harry was frowning at his computer screen and Rob was clutching a mug of coffee in one hand and excavating a nostril with the other.

Lucia dropped into her seat and let her bag slide from her shoulder. Her monitor blocked her view of the rest of the office but she leant sideways to check again whether anyone was watching. Nobody had moved. Lucia turned her attention back to the envelope. She picked it up.

It squished, like a Jiffy bag. The seal was taped shut, as though the gum had not proved strong enough, and Lucia noticed with distaste that there was a wiry black hair trapped at one end under the Sellotape. She turned the envelope over and looked again at the writing on the front. It said LUCIA – nothing more, not an underline or even a full stop.

She shouldn’t open it. She knew she shouldn’t open it. But there was an inevitability to events now. She shouldn’t open it but until she did her day was at a standstill. Probably Walter or one of the others had left the envelope and their lives too were in abeyance now until the trap they had set was sprung. The sooner Lucia opened the envelope, the sooner they would laugh and the sooner Lucia could tut, roll her eyes, throw the contents into the bin and get back to pretending that this sort of thing was beneath her, that it did not bother her, that in no way did it make her feel small or vulnerable.

Or perhaps she was being paranoid. Perhaps the envelope contained something of hers that she had lost or forgotten or lent to someone and it was simply being returned. What that thing might be she could not think but that did not in itself rule out the possibility. She would open the envelope and catch sight of what was inside and remember instantly what, why, when and who. It would be such a trivial thing that she would cast it, envelope and all, into her bottom drawer. Then she would spend the rest of the morning trying to ignore the voice in her head that mocked her insecurity, her cowardice, her pervading sense of relief.

Lucia worked her finger under the seal. She wrenched the envelope open. As she did so its contents burst outwards and Lucia knew in that instant that she should have trusted her initial instinct and left the envelope alone.

Hair. The envelope was stuffed with hair. Short, black and coiled, like the single strand that had almost escaped. It fell in clumps on to Lucia’s desk, her keyboard, her lap. It clung to her fingers. As Lucia recoiled, the envelope dropped and the last of its contents spilled out on to the carpet and vanished against the charcoal gloom.

‘We all chipped in.’

Lucia held her fingers splayed in front of her. She blew, almost spat, at the hair that still coated them. She looked up.

‘Me, Rob and Charlie. We didn’t ask Harry because we didn’t think he could grow any yet. Bless him.’

Lucia glanced over at Harry. At the sound of his name he raised his head.

‘You know what it is, don’t you?’

Walter had shifted so that he was leaning with both elbows on the filing cabinet that stood next to Lucia’s desk. Rob and Charlie were on their feet now and carrying their grins closer.

‘Lulu. Are you listening? I said, you know what it is, don’t you?’

Lucia shook her head: not an answer, rather an expression of her incredulity.

‘Like I said, we all chipped in.’ Walter was leering now, playing to his audience. ‘We just thought that, with everything that’s happened, you were probably missing him. You know: your pal. Bumfluff.’

Rob and Charlie sniggered. Lucia looked again at her hands, at her desk, at the envelope on the floor. She opened her mouth. She shut it. She looked at Walter but Walter was silent now. He was grinning. He was waiting.

‘You better be joking,’ Lucia said at last. ‘You better be fucking joking.’

Rob and Charlie laughed. They tapped palms.

‘Don’t you like it?’ Walter said, feigning offence. ‘I was sure you’d like it.’

Lucia could feel the curdled expression on her face. She swallowed, shut her eyes, tried to force herself to look less disgusted, less disgusting. As though they had been moulded from rubber, her features rebounded and settled into the same position: her brow creased, her nostrils flared, her teeth bared and her lips pulled taut.

‘Hey, guys. What’s going on?’ Harry had moved to Charlie’s side. He was smiling but warily.

Lucia looked at him but it was Walter who answered. ‘Nothing for you to worry about, Harry my lad. We were just giving Lulu here a gift we prepared for her. She doesn’t seem very grateful.’

Again Rob and Charlie guffawed.

‘Gift? What kind of gift? Hey, Lucia. Is everything okay?’

Lucia heard Harry’s words but could not think how to respond. She looked from Harry to the envelope on the floor and back to Harry. Harry edged forwards. He followed Lucia’s gaze.

‘What is it? What’s wrong? Christ, Lucia, what’s that? What is that?’

Lucia did not answer. She looked at Walter.

Harry turned. ‘Walter? Jesus. What the hell is wrong with you?’

Walter laughed. ‘Easy, Harry. It’s just a little joke. Just some harmless fun.’

‘Fun? This—’ Harry gestured to the envelope, to Lucia ‘—this is your idea of fun?’ He took a step towards Walter. Walter’s expression hardened.

‘Careful now, Harry. Don’t start making trouble for yourself. ’

‘Harry,’ said Lucia. ‘Harry, please. It doesn’t matter.’

‘Lucia—’

‘Please,’ she said again. ‘Please.’

Harry shook his head. He glared at Walter.

‘That’s a good lad, Harry. You listen to Lulu here. Mummy knows best.’

‘Walter—’ Lucia began but a holler from across the room cut her off.

‘Is she in yet? Lucia!’

Cole was at his door, one hand on either side of the frame and leaning out into the office proper. ‘Where the fuck have you been? Get in here!’

‘Guv, I—’

‘Now, dammit.’ Cole turned away and disappeared behind the partition. With a glance at Harry, Lucia started towards the chief inspector’s office. Walter, though, was blocking her path. She was about to tell him to move, to get out of her way, to shove him aside if it came to that but in the end there was no need. Walter took half a pace back and, with a dip of the head and a sweeping gesture with one arm, ceded the ground to Lucia. She noticed him wink at Charlie as she passed.

At the threshold to Cole’s office, Lucia hesitated. She turned and saw the others still watching her. She stepped inside and shut the door behind her.

‘Guv,’ she said. Cole was facing the window, one hand on his hip, the other massaging the well-shined skin of his forehead. ‘You wanted me, Guv.’

‘Come in. Sit down.’

Lucia did not want to sit. She moved towards the only chair on her side of the desk and stood behind it. She gripped the cool metal frame and realised that her palms were sweaty. She let go of the chair and wiped her hands on her trouser legs.

‘You’re on suspension, Lucia. You’re out. Collect what you need and go home.’