Simon Lelic - A Thousand Cuts

Lucia stopped. She allowed Philip to reach for her hands. ‘Sarah Kingsley,’ she said. ‘The girl who died. I spoke to her father. He said something about lashing out. About twisting pain into anger. That’s me, Philip. That’s how I feel.’

‘He was bullied, Lucia. He was being bullied and the school knew about it and the school refused to act. It was negligent. As an employer, as an organisation responsible for the well-being of its staff, the school was negligent. Those are the facts.’

‘Didn’t you say, Philip? Didn’t you tell me that I was wrong? Didn’t you tell me to drop the case?’

‘I told you to drop the case. I never said that you were wrong.’

‘You should be gloating then. You should be telling me you told me so. You should be delighting in the fact that you were right.’

‘That’s hurtful, Lucia. That’s a hurtful thing to say. Besides, I wasn’t right. I was telling you to ignore your conscience. Since when could that be considered right?’

Lucia bit her lip, twisted her head away. She felt a tear at the corner of her eye. Before she could free a hand to catch it, the tear was loose and running towards her mouth. She rolled a shoulder across her cheek and then slid past Philip and out of his grip and sat down again on the bench.

‘What do I do?’ she said. She spoke to her feet. ‘What should I do?’

‘If you mean should you quit, the answer is no. Not now. Not while you’re feeling like this.’ Philip rested a hand on the arm of the bench. ‘If you mean what should you do about Szajkowski… Well.’ He exhaled through his nostrils. ‘I don’t know, Lucia. The honest answer is, I don’t know.’

Lucia felt an urge to laugh. She gave in to it but the laugh came out as a sob. She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes as though to force her tears back inside.

Philip cleared his throat. ‘Lucia. Maybe this isn’t the best time. It’s just, I have a small confession to make.’

‘A what?’

‘Don’t get angry.’

‘What? Why?’

‘Just don’t get angry when I tell you this.’

‘What did you do, Philip?’

‘I… ’ Philip coughed again. ‘I spoke to David.’

Lucia pulled herself upright. ‘You did what?’

‘I didn’t mention your name.’

‘I should hope not!’

‘But he guessed anyway.’

‘Oh, Philip!’

Philip showed Lucia his palms. ‘It’s not my field, Lucia. I deal with chief executives. I deal with CFOs, with accountants. What do I know about criminal law?’

‘It’s not exactly David’s field either.’

‘It is. Just about. He came to us from the CPS. He deals with civil litigation at the firm he works for now.’

‘That’s not the point, Philip.’ Lucia was shaking her head. She could feel her tears evaporating as her cheeks burnt. ‘You know that’s not the point.’

‘Lucia, please. I thought it would help. I thought David might be able to help. You came to me for legal advice but you may as well have asked your conveyancer.’

Lucia glared at Philip, then turned her face away. After a moment, she allowed her eyes once again to meet his. ‘What did he say?’

Philip shrugged a guilty shrug. He winced. ‘He said what I said.’

‘He said what you said.’

‘That’s why I almost didn’t mention it. He said there was no precedent. He said the only thing that came close was a case a few years back of a pupil suing a school. He said that even if you could find a prosecutor ambitious enough to take it on, it would never come to trial. He reminded me that it was an election year.’

‘You sound like Cole. My boss. You could be Cole talking.’

‘I don’t agree with it, Lucia. I’m just telling you how it is.’

Lucia stood. She wiped her eyes again and adjusted her blouse. She stepped past Philip and cast around to get her bearings. ‘Which way’s the tube?’

‘Take a cab. I’ll expense it.’

Lucia shook her head. ‘I’d rather take the tube. I’m sorry, Philip. You’re busy and I’m wasting your time. All I’m doing is wasting time.’

‘Don’t say that. Please don’t say that. I just wish there were something more I could do.’

‘You’ve done enough.’ Lucia brushed her lips against his cheek. ‘Thank you. You’ve done all you can do.’ She made to go.

‘Lucia. Wait. There’s one more thing. It’s not important but I said I’d mention it.’

Lucia waited. She knew what was coming and she knew she should be angry but she was not. ‘I’m not going to talk to him, Philip.’

‘Just a phone call. You don’t have to go and—’

‘I’m not going to talk to him, Philip.’ She turned and she started walking. She did not know whether Philip could hear her but she said it again anyway. ‘I’m not.’

What’s your earliest memory?

I’m not sure either. I’m on a boat, I think, and I’m wearing this jumper that I liked. It had a flower on it.

Do you wanna know my earliest memory of Sam?

He’s pinching me. I was four, I think, maybe five so he would of been seven, I guess, maybe eight. I’m on my back and he’s got his knees on me and I’ve got one arm free and I’m hitting him but he’s ignoring it or not feeling it cos he’s focused on my other arm and he’s pinching me here, here, here, all the way up and he’s pinching me and he’s smiling. I remember it clearly. It’s like it was on the TV just the other night.

He hated me. I hated him but he hated me first. He resented me. That’s what Annie says. She says he didn’t hate me he resented me but I looked up the word resent and it basically means that he hated me. I knew what resent meant already by the way. I’m not stupid, I just like to check. I have a dictionary, Annie got it for me, and I like to check what words mean cos sometimes they mean something different from what you think they mean, not a lot always but enough to change what you’re saying when you don’t want it to. Do you know what I mean?

I’m glad cos not everyone does. Some people use words without even caring what they really mean. They just say em and think about what they’re saying after they’ve finished saying it.

My dad was good at words. He’s dead now. He drowned. I was ten. But he used to have these books, they were full of puzzles: crosswords and wordsearches and what are those ones where the letters are all mixed up and you have to put em back in the right order? Like on Countdown , at the end, the ones I can never get.

Right. Anagrams. So my dad would sit there every night with one of them books and sometimes he’d let me sit with him, if I was quiet and I didn’t wriggle, and I’d help him or I’d try to. I could do the wordsearches, I was good at em, but I don’t like crosswords, I never liked crosswords. Sam could do crosswords. Sometimes if Dad got stuck he would ask Sam and Sam would say it’s this or it’s that or sometimes he would just shrug but most of the time he would know. Sam went to university in the end. Dad said he would and he did. He shouldn’t of though, that’s what Annie says. He should of stayed with me, that’s what Annie says. Annie says that if Sam had stayed it would of been better for everyone: me, she says, Sam, she says, her, she says, them kids. But I’d rather have Annie than him. I’d of run away if they’d of made me live with him.

Annie? Annie’s like my mum. She’s not my mum but she looks out for me. Ever since they moved me here, Annie stops by and checks up on me. They give her the bus fare, that’s what Annie says. For stopping by. Sometimes she comes to the supermarket too. That’s where I work. If Annie comes I get an extra break but she doesn’t come all that often.