Elmore Leonard - Up in Honey's Room

“If you’re through rustling cattle you can take off your spurs.” She watched Darcy grin at her and Honey said, “You have something else on the fire, don’t you? Another way to break the law?”

“It’s what outlaws do, Sunshine, how they make their livin’. I’m done workin’ beef. I’m lookin’ at an item now hardly weighs anything a-tall, nylon stockings. I could sell all I get my hands on, twenty bucks a pair. Twenty-five even.”

“I could too,” Honey said, “if we had any.”

“You gonna tell me you don’t have nylon stockings put away for your best customers, the ones use that Hudson’s credit coin?”

“We haven’t had nylons in two years. Du Pont’s still making parachutes. I doubt we’ll have any till Japan surrenders,” Honey said. “Why don’t you join the navy, see if you can shorten the war.”

Darcy said, “All right, but if you did have these stockings put away, where would you hide ’em?”

Honey rolled her eyes at Jurgen. Jurgen said to her, “You swear you don’t have nylons?”

“Cross my heart.”

Jurgen turned to Darcy. “You were telling us you became too busy with meat to call on your sister. You said you were busier than that one-legged man we know about. Tell me, what busy one-legged man did you mean?”

“The one in the ass-kickin’ contest,” Darcy said. “You heard me mention that coin you use at Hudson’s to buy on credit? What if you got some brass and stamped out your own coins, as many as you want, with names on ’em you make up?”

“Now he’s a counterfeiter,” Honey said.

“You dress up in a suit and tie, use one of the coins to charge big-ticket items, a fur coat for the wife-”

“Muriel would drop dead,” Honey said.

“I don’t give it to her. I return it and get cash.”

“If you charged it, they take it off your bill.”

She watched Darcy standing in her living room thinking, looking for loopholes. She watched him step toward her club chair done in a beige cotton tapestry she’d bought at Sears, Roebuck for $49.95, her favorite for reading. Honey told her brother if he sat down in it she’d kill him. “I hate to say it, Darcy, but you don’t go with my decor. You’re more the outdoorsy type, good at rustlin’ cattle. Why don’t you go out West and be a cowboy?”

“They’s no money in cowboyin’,” Darcy said. “Don’t worry your head, I’ll get into somethin’ makes money. This mornin’ I made a deal with that swishy boy, Bo?”

Darcy grinned.

“One time I’m deliverin’ meat, the door opens, the back one, here’s Bo wearin’ a black shiny dress. He says, ‘May I help you?’ like we never met before. He has perfume on, earrings, rouge, lipstick. You had to keep from kissin’ him. But that wasn’t this mornin’. This mornin’ he had on men’s clothes, pants and a coat.”

“How does he get in touch with you?”

“Leaves a message with Walter’s Aunt Madi. I called him this morning, he said come on over, he needed me to get hold of something for him.”

“A standing rib?” Honey said.

“You get three guesses.”

“A car,” Honey said.

“I sold him mine on the spot. A Model A, looks like everybody else’s.”

“Cops are watching the house,” Honey said. “If you parked in front they’ll run the license number and find out you stole the car.”

“You are my Sunshine,” Darcy said, “my only only. No, I parked over by the cathedral, like I’m makin’ a visit.”

“What’d you get for it?”

“I’ll show you,” Darcy said. “I got it in the car.”

“The same car?”

“A different one, but they’re both Model A’s. And Jurgen’s cowboy hat’s in the car. You should’ve told me when I buzzed he was here, save me a trip.”

Darcy left.

“No one changes,” Honey said. “He used to blame me all the time when he did dumb things.”

They were in the kitchen now, Jurgen sitting at the table in Honey’s kimono sipping his coffee. He said, “I can’t believe he’s your brother.”

“The outlaw,” Honey said. “I could see growing up he’d never be smart. But I love to listen to him. He tells good stories, semi-true ones.” She said, “I bet the cowboy hat’s way too small for you.”

The phone rang, sitting by itself on the counter. It rang three times before Honey picked it up and turned away from Jurgen at the table.

Carl’s voice said, “You’re home.”

“I’ve been home, ducking Walter. He’s upset ’cause he can’t find Aubrey and has to get to Georgia.”

“Aubrey’s dead,” Carl said. “Get hold of today’s Detroit News . The front page, ‘Prominent Doctor in Murder-Suicide.’”

“Dr. Taylor?”

“It looks like his wife popped him and then shot herself. Somebody else was shot in the bathroom but isn’t there now.”

“You think it’s Aubrey?”

“Kevin says he’s the only one missing. If the doctor’s wife shot him he’d still be there. So Homicide thinks somebody else did all three. You know Vera’s gang,” Carl said, “who do you see as the shooter?”

She almost said, “Bo,” seeing him in the sweater and skirt, but without a good reason for naming him said, “I don’t know.”

“Who were you gonna say?”

“Couldn’t it be somebody who broke in?”

“It could, but who were you thinking of?”

“Bohdan.”

Carl said, “We all like Bo.”

“You have a reason?”

“He was in a death camp,” Carl said, “and got away with killing three of the guards. Cut their throat while they’re asleep. I mentioned the Bureau has a file on him? It goes back to Odessa.”

There was a silence on the line.

Honey said, “Carl?”

He said, “How do you know how to cut a man’s throat?”

He was quiet again before saying, “Listen, I’m at the scene with Kevin. I’ll call you later. I want to hear about last night.”

She hesitated. “I may not be here.”

“You don’t want to help me out?”

“All right, I’ll be here,” Honey said and hung up the phone.

She turned to Jurgen saying to her, “That was Carl?”

“He’s at Dr. Taylor’s,” Honey said and told Jurgen about the murder scene and what Carl had to say.

“If it must be someone from Vera’s group,” Jurgen said, “I would say Bo. He eliminates the spy ring and there’s no one left to point a finger at Vera.”

“She calls him her guardian angel,” Honey said.

“They’re lovers,” Jurgen said. “They’ve lived with death so close to them, they have intense sex together because they’re still alive.”

Honey said, “But he’s a homosexual.”

“Or plays the part or does it both ways. I was beginning to like Bohdan, the restrained transvestite in soft cashmere.”

“But he does flaunt it, if you can believe Darcy.”

“I suppose, but last night everyone at Vera’s thought Bo looked quite nice.”

“He did,” Honey said. “I have a skirt and sweater set like that only it’s black, and isn’t cashmere.”

“You wear black, of course,” Jurgen said, “you don’t need color, it’s in your eyes, your lips . . . ” He said, “Why didn’t you tell Carl I was here? You’re having second thoughts? You’re not sure he’ll simply come to visit?”

“I think about it now,” Honey said, “I’m not at all sure what he’ll do. I’m holding off, if you’re wondering what I’m up to. But I’m in it now. I’ve given comfort to the enemy in a big way, and I may as well tell you, I loved it. I think if you and I had time, or there wasn’t a war . . .”

“We would be keeping company,” Jurgen said.

“I should tell you though,” Honey said, “I’m older than you are. You might think I don’t look it, but I’m twenty-eight.”