Elmore Leonard - Up in Honey's Room

“So am I,” Jurgen said.

“I don’t have a spare bedroom,” Honey said, “but there’s a double bed in my room you can have half of if you promise not to start any funny business.”

He said, “Of course,” but look at him grinning.

“I’m serious, no fooling around,” Honey said and believed she meant it. “I’m not a girl who engages in any kind of intimate activity on a first date. Really, not till I get the feeling we might have something going. But I’m not censored by the Hays Office, so you don’t have to sleep with one foot on the floor.”

Jurgen said, “This is our first date?”

“You know what I mean.”

What got it going, he touched her bare shoulder under the covers in the dark and Honey couldn’t help turning to him saying, “Hold me.” That was all she meant, she wanted to be held, she loved being held. But then once she was snug in his arms she let her hand roam over his body to see what this slim boy was all about, feeling ribs, a flat belly, let her hand slip down some more and now both of them were making sounds in the dark, making love with a dynamite kick that left them hanging on to each other out of breath, not a word spoken until Honey said, “I got to know more about you, Hun.”

She wasn’t going to answer the phone in the morning no matter how many times it rang, wanting to discourage poor Walter, having no idea if Carl would call or not. The phone rang nine different times before 8 a.m.

What Walter did, once he realized Honey wasn’t going to answer the phone, he drove to her building and buzzed the apartment.

“It’s I,” Walter said. “Open the door.”

He was here-she felt she had to let him in. Honey woke up Jurgen and told him to go back to sleep. “If you have to go to the bathroom, go, quick. Walter’s coming up. Or stay in the bathroom, take a shower.”

The first thing Walter said, true to form, he told her he had not had his coffee this morning. That got them in the kitchen, Walter at the table, and it gave Honey a glimmer of hope. He wouldn’t try to jump her till he’d had his coffee. But then didn’t seem interested in jumping her, talking so much about Joe Aubrey, wanting to know where he was.

Honey said, “What’re you asking me for?”

“I picked him up yesterday at Michigan Central. He must be still here.”

“Bo drove him out to your farm.”

“They never came there. I called Bo this morning, Vera says he wasn’t home, he went out. I asked her was he gone all night. Vera says she doesn’t know what time he came home, she isn’t his mother.”

“You’re sure he’s not at the farm?”

Honey didn’t know why she said that. It brought out the Walter she had been married to. “You still don’t listen,” Walter said. “I already told you they didn’t come there.”

“Well, maybe they came while you’re wasting time yelling at me.”

He said, “Where is Jurgen,” in a quieter tone.

“In the bathroom.”

“I’ll wait for him to come out.”

“Walter, if I don’t know where Joe Aubrey is, how’s Jurgen supposed to know?”

“I have to find him,” Walter said. “I have to go to Georgia and set my timetable. I want to be there, ready, no later than tomorrow.”

“Does Joe have a girlfriend here?”

“Whores.”

“Then that’s where he is,” Honey said, “at a whorehouse in Paradise Valley. You know he likes colored girls. He took Bo along to see if he can get him to go straight. After a night with the girls they’re still there, having their coffee, resting up. Do I have to think for you, Walter? You want to go to Georgia? Take the bus.”

“That sounded like an entire year of marriage,” Jurgen said, “the abridged version. Tell me why you married him.”

“I don’t remember.”

“Walter’s lucky. If he can’t find Joe, he has an excuse for not assassinating your president. Do you like Roosevelt?”

“I’ve voted for him since coming of age.”

He was grinning at her again.

“Would you like to go out West with me?”

Someone downstairs buzzed.

Honey’s first thought, Walter was back.

But it was her brother, Darcy.

“I can’t believe it,” Honey said, “it’s been years.” She looked at Jurgen. “You know him, don’t you?”

“Yes, the cattle rustler. He’s giving me one of his range hats.”

“You may as well say hi to him,” Honey said.

Darcy walked in past her, his spurs ching ing, Jurgen catching his attention, Jurgen standing by the sofa in Honey’s orange kimono. Darcy did pause to look at his sister and tell her, “I’d kiss you but I smell of rotten meat.” He said, “How you doin’, Sis?” and turned to Jurgen.

“Man, you sure get around. The last I heard you’re livin’ at Vera’s. I’d see her now and then I delivered meat, but never thought much of her. She’s not my type, too bossy. Tells me to bring her a leg-a-lamb and some chops instead of beef. I wanted to tell her she could be a prison hack, easy. That young swishy fella works for her, Bo? He reminds me of a con at Eddysville use to dress up like a woman in his cell. His name’s Andy but looked a lot like Bo. We called him Candy Andy or Lollypop, the all-day sucker.”

“You’re here since last fall,” Honey said, “but wait till you smell like rotten meat before stopping by?”

“Was October I got my release and come here to do business with Walter. Up till yesterday I’m busier’n that one-legged man y’all of heard about. I’m comin’ down from Flint in the refrigerator van, two calves aboard startin’ to stink to high heaven and my generator cut out on me. I hooked on the back of a semi with a chain the guy had and he towed me to a gas station. We stood around talkin’ about the calves and meat rationin’ till I went across the street to get somethin’ to eat at a hamburger joint. I’m done, I start out the door, they’s state police over there looking at my van. Here I am, I don’t know are they checkin’ on ownership or the smell comin’ off the calves.”

Jurgen said, “Didn’t you buy the truck at auction?”

“Actually I swiped it off a lot in Toledo, down there with a buddy of mine. I told Walter I paid eighteen hunnert for it used and got him to go halves with me, so I’m not out nothin’.”

Honey said, “Why’d the calves smell so bad?”

“They was already dead when I picked ’em up. They’s layin’ in a pasture and this farmer said take ’em if I could hoist ’em in the van. So they didn’t cost me nothin’ either. I thought I’d take the calves to Walter and have him look ’em over in case they had a disease. If Walter told me to get rid of ’em I would. But I could see him cuttin’ out the livers and startin’ to slice onions.”

“You had to leave the van,” Honey said.

“I had to get outta there. I hitched a ride back to Flint and took a bus and another one out to Walter’s and he tells me he’s done with the meat business. He’s goin’ down to Georgia to assassinate the president. I said, ‘Where’s that leave me? I been workin’ my ass for you.’ Walter says, ‘Do what you want.’ I started to yell at him but thought, What’s the use? You can’t tell a Kraut’s already made up his mind nothin’.”

Honey said, “He told you he’s gonna assassinate the president?”

“In Georgia. The president don’t live in Georgia.”

“You tell him that?”

“Hell no, let him find out hisself.”

“Poor Walter,” Honey said, “nobody believes him.”

Jurgen said, “Has he ever done anything?”

“Nothing I know of,” Honey said, and looked at her brother. “This was yesterday and you still smell?”

“It’ll wear off afterwhile.”